How to Use Your Brain to Get Laid (The Cerebellum)

In Latin, "cerebellum" means "little brain," but seeing as though something as small as the tip of your dick is more or less the source of all pleasure in the world, being "little" doesn't mean a whole lot.

The cerebellum plays an important role in the integration of sensory perception and motor output, which basically means it helps you move and feel things. It is not the primary means of any one function, but more of an underlying necessity that makes other things work. The cerebellum is to the brain like a condom is to sex: not the driving force behind the act, but necessary unless you want to fork over another $400 for a gynecological vacuuming. With regards to drinking booze, the cerebellum is like glass: you can't get drunk off glass, but you need it to hold the alcohol.

Modern research also tells us the cerebellum has a broader role in a number of key cognitive functions including attention, language, and music, which we all know are three very key ingredients in getting laid.

Because a cerebellum diagram looks like a melting vagina, here is a fun, colorful version of what it would look like if converted into brain form.

The cerebellum is all about feelings. It is very sensitive. This is why it gets so much brain wave puntang and why you need to read the rest of this article and heed the cerebellum's vagina-hording teachings.

Here, presented in full, is the definitive list of the cerebellum's functions, what each one does, and how you can use it to get laid.

Sensory Perception (The 13 Senses)

The cerebellum is responsible for "processing, acquiring, interpreting, and organizing information that comes from your senses," of which we have always been told we have 5. This is a lie. We have 12 senses and I will show you how each one can help you get someone else's saliva on your penis.

1. Sight

Prospective females are only hot if you can visually detect the sexy electromagnetic waves bouncing off their body. However, if the female prospect cannot detect yours, you can be whatever kind of man you want.

Musicians...get...laid. One problem: you can't lay pipes worth shit. But see, from the cerebellum's point of view, it's not how you sound when you sing, it's how she interprets your sound...

3. Taste

Is there anything more irresistible than the epithelium of the pharynx and epiglottis? I think not! Psychophysicists suggest the existence of four basic tastes: sweetness, sourness, bitterness, and saltiness. But I say they left one out: sexiness.

4. Smell

There are several scents that proportionate the olfactory epithelium in line with the uninnervated respiratory epithelium and open a cyclic nucleotide-gated ion channel, which, we all know, make panties drop. But what is this ultimate aphrodisiac?

5. Touch

There are only three things you need to get laid: general brain function, Jell-O shots, and the ability to stimulate a woman's mechanoreceptors. Via proprioception the human body is able to detect feeling on a deep physiological, almost spiritual level. Once you get there, it's boner time.

Now, for all you brainwashed mother fuckers out there, here is the definition of "sense":

"A system that consists of a sensory cell that responds to a specific kind of physical phenomenon and that correspond to a defined region within the brain where the signals are received and interpreted."

With that in mind, here are the other 7 senses that, when read, will illicit the response, "Oh yeah, I guess that's right...but wait, I'm not sure about those last two...I mean, pooping? Really?"

"Thermodynamic equilibrium" is a medical synonym for "volcanic orgasm." "Being really cold" is a not-so-medical synonym for "never orgasming." Let's do the math...

7. Pain

Girls like danger. Why are certain guys considered dangerous? Because they engage in activities that potentially cause pain. Hmmm...

8. Balance

Equilibrioception...the grand-pappy of panty-droppers. Get your female prospect equilibrioceptionalized and prepare to drive the wrong way down the birth canal.

When a female prospect feels nausea, she spins, and when she spins it's as if she's dancing, which is a total turn-on. The tip should be obvious by now.

10. Time

It is common knowledge that females like to feel young. What are the three things most associated with youth?

By mimicking the rhythmic contraction of peristalsis and regulating the vagal and enteric nervous system inputs into the gastrointestinal tract, a male can hold himself back from vomiting when he listens to his prospective female ramble on about pointless shit no one cares about.

12. Excretory

The process by which vertebrate organisms eliminate waste is unlike any other internal mechanism. The relaxation of the sphincter is a 100% voluntary action unless massive imbibing of Keystone Ice has taken place. It is the excretory function's voluntary status that makes it so sexually appealing.

More in the "Using Your Brain to Get Laid Series":
The Medulla Oblongata: Your Brain's Penis

Alex's book, The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget (St. Martin's Griffin) just hit shelves (Borders, Target, B&N) the other day in hardcover.

If you like his stuff on PIC, go pick it up. It's the definitive guide to all the drinking game classics like Quarters and Kings, plus new ones like Beer Roulette and the Lord of Rings drinking game.

You can also order it online for $10:
The Imbible on Amazon
The Imbible on Barnes and Noble