• Cut several people in the early morning line at Starbucks.
  • Snap your fingers at the barista for not having your blonde espresso ready three seconds after it was ordered.
  • Bump into a stranger on the street and spill your coffee all over their shirt, then demand they buy you a new, more expensive beverage.
  • Rip open the suicide doors of your Escalade to really ding the car that just pulled in next to you.
  • Honk your horn at pedestrians exercising their legal right of way, then perform a false charge like a grizzly bear.
  • Squeeze onto the train at the very last millisecond and find yourself asshole to elbow with twenty people who didn’t know they were capable of hate until today.
  • Steal a seat from a pregnant woman who was about to sit down, then pull out a copy of Angels & Demons and bury your head in it.
  • Engage in a staring contest with the person sitting across from you (only if it’s past midnight and they’re alone).
  • Exit the train and immediately walk to the only turnstile that has a person coming towards you as they attempt to catch the train, then barge through them like a linebacker with CTE.
  • Catch a whiff of a horrible street scent and grab onto a passerby’s shoulder for support as you ralph in a gutter.
  • Sneeze onto tourists enjoying a walking tour of a graveyard made famous for being the burial site of a doctor who specialized in incurable airborne diseases.
  • In the summertime, lean over a guard rail and drip salty nose sweat onto those below; also hock loogies on them.
  • Absentmindedly chuck a greasy burger wrapper over your shoulder while walking down a congested sidewalk full of PETA members protesting meat.
  • Ride a bicycle and allow yourself to be overtaken, willingly or not, by a motorist, then sue them.
  • Purposefully overtake a cyclist with your motor vehicle, then sue them.
  • Piss uncomfortably close next to a gaggle of smokers in an alley.
  • Smoke a cigarette inside a bar that doesn’t allow smoking or men.
  • Go to another bar and get into a drunken bar fight with someone clearly enjoying a private drink as a way to wind down from their overly stressful life.
  • Get booted from another bar for pissing in a snake plant that is situated right outside of the bathroom.
  • Flick a lit cigarette through the fence and into the grass-lined outdoor patio of the bar that just kicked you out, causing a five-alarm fire, 12 deaths, and the hospitalization of 41.
  • In the winter, freeze to death alone waiting for delayed public transportation, then go to Hell.

Will you tweet or share this article? Circle YES/NO.

Join other PIC writers in a comedy class at The Second City online (10% off), or subscribe to our newsletter for all-new articles (100% free).