It’s that time of the year again. February makes us remember the range of cruelty and suffering that the world (and especially Americans) put a certain minority through. And of course, we’re not talking about black people or Native Americans, we’re talking about everyone who’s single on and after Valentine’s Day.
Yes, being single is the best thing ever on almost every day of the year. The advantages of being single are just as amazing as the advantages of being in a relationship. The only REAL difference is that when you’re single, you don’t have anybody to spoon, fork, and butter knife with. Still, the effects of a lonely Valentine’s Day on the mental and physical health of the single person can be devastating. Fortunately, Reading Rainbow and multiple anti-molestation seminars taught me that "knowing what is half the battle," so if you don’t want to end up dead before March, here’s some of the bullshittery you can expect.
Valentine’s Day Eve: DENIAL
After days of telling all your friends and family that you’re perfectly fine with not having somebody to love on V-day, you are officially living a lie. Believing that Valentine’s Day is just another day is your second favorite sport, right behind talking shit about all the couples out there—specifically Rihanna, who found love in the hopeless place that is Chris Brown.
Finding love on BlackPeopleWithBigSmilesMeet.com was also an option.
Believing/hoping that tommorow’s going to be super overrated is all you can think about now. Going so far as to make a list of why being single is awesome and having a very heavenly relationship is for pussies. But while you’re cruising on a high of loneliness, Valentine’s Day draws near, and you start to change. . .
Valentine’s Day: SHIT HITS DA FAN
Today’s the big day! Totally game to just make the most out of today isn’t going to be a problem. Why? Well, because being single is the shit.
..Is what you were thinking until you woke up this morning.
The fact that you don’t have anybody to call your "boo" or to send heart-shaped goodies to is hitting you harder than a stack of arrow-shaped bricks. At this point you realize that all you ever wanted was to show sickening public displays of affection that would make the happiest of couples CRAVE what you have. Instead, you’re letting every living creature know that you’re "forever alone" via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Crying While Eating Large Amounts of Froyo in Public.
NOTE: Eating regular ice cream is a sign that you’re truly heartbroken, and an American.
While trying and failing to eat and tweet the pain away, you also realize that "V-day" sounds a hell of a lot like "D-day," which makes you 100% sure that it’s the end of the world. Normally, you wouldn’t curr about a sudden doomsday, but since you’re alone for it to happen, everything’s cray cray. YOU START FREAKING OUT. QUESTIONING WHETHER YOU EXIST OR NOT, RUNNING NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR, WRITING ARTICLES ABOUT BEING SINGLE ON VALENTINE’S DAY, AND WORST OF ALL, TYPING EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS. All this continues to happen until you finally pass out… or jump off a jet plane and die… whichever comes first.
Post-Valentine’s Day: GETTING IT TOGETHER
In the event that you’re still alive, the world as you know it slowly crawls back to normal. The good thing about the rest of February is that you’re still single and in relatively good condition. Your "being single is the bestest" mindset is coming back to you. You’re going back to doing things that only a bachelor/bachelorette like yourself could do: exercising total control over your life, and successfully annoying the hell out of people. But it’s fine, because now everything’s said and done. You’ve done the unthinkable: made it through another Valentine’s Day with only minor wounds to your reputation. And isn’t that what really matters?
A great man once said, "Relationships are for French people and communists," but my cat says a lot of things. So this February, instead of being hella bitter over not having a Valentine, be happy for your friends and parents who aren’t miraculously divorced (in this day and age, really?). Or at least, don’t jump out of a plane.