Stages of Grief About The Election in Aerobics Classes
Let’s put on some hip-hop and do leg lifts like it’s 2002! Feel the burn. Not #feelthebern. Because really, are the Bernie Bros happy now?
Tag: Wars
Was Being Transported to King Arthur’s Court and Charged With Saving Camelot Really the Best Way to Learn Self-Confidence or Whatever?
Couldn't you just sit me down and teach me whatever lesson it is you're going for like a normal wizard mentor? Without the near-fatal experiences?
I Heard Robert Mueller is a Draft-Dodging Sexual Predator
This Mueller character, looking into "collusion," he's the worst of the bunch. Many sources have told me he's a draft dodger and sexual predator.
Mistakes I Made Babysitting My Girlfriend’s Guinea Pigs
It should have been easy—they're basically small, furry cows devoid of complex needs or even souls. What I could not foresee was rebellion.
Hannibal: I’m Starting to Think Crossing the Alps was a Stupid Idea
Just six months ago, eating peeled grapes from my servants, I thought it was a brilliant idea. Now, standing up to my ass in snow, maybe not so much.
4 Patriotic Wartime Activities That Will Have You Home in Time to Watch Those Badass Missiles on TV
As we prepare for war with North Korea, Americans can be counted on to do their part. Just so long as we're home in time to watch the missiles on TV!
Five Little-Known Facts About Davy Crockett
Davy Crockett actually wore his raccoon-skin cap as a functional warning to other raccoons not to climb on his head while he was sleeping.
Let’s Not Make a Big Deal Out of My Viking Funeral Pyre
Less is more, I always said. If you can’t find a fjord in New Jersey, better apply for an ocean permit ASAP so we can have the ceremony at Brigantine Beach.
If Humans and Animals (Excluding Reptiles) All Worked Together, We Could Really Crush Our Enemies the Reptiles
Though amphibians aren't really reptiles, I've lumped them in because there doesn't seem to be a discernible difference at a glance, so they might as well just be reptiles.
The Haters and Losers Forget I Defeated ISIS in 30 Days
Haters and losers, folks, haters and losers. So many stupid people, ignoring the facts. Don't even remember I got rid of ISIS in my first 30 days.
A Diplomatic Mission to My Nephew’s Minecraft World
I had long heard rumors of Ben's virtual atrocities, but I needed to see proof of them for myself. After all, he's 10, how bad could it be?
The End of the World Will Get Such Great Ratings
Ratings only gonna get better, only higher with all this North Korea drama. I'm telling you, the end of the world is gonna do so well on TV.