As Your Primary Care Doctor, I Will Be Happy to See You in Three Weeks When Your Symptoms Have Passed
It’s true that in every other context “primary” means first in order. But words and their ordinary meanings can be misleading.
Tag: Satire
This Aesthetic Subway Ad Is Here to Tell You That You Are Going Bald as Shit
Not "thinning out." Not "George Costanza-ing." Nope. You're going full-on, sunscreen on your scalp, brain-practically-exposed BALD.
Weddings Vows from Me, a Spelling Bee Champion, to You, My Former Spelling Bee Opponent
Even if the world was ending, I’d be pococurante, like I was in the third round of the Dayton County Regional Bee when my word was "pococurante."
I’m the Best Detective in the World, So Why Do You Keep Second-Guessing Me?
What’s your motive for second-guessing me every second of every day? Every week, we go through the same rigamarole.
A Dating Profile of a Gothic Novel’s Love Interest
Children: No! Ok, I do have one ward. Just the one! She's not my actual child, it’s just… It's complicated.
So Who’s the Real Monster in All This?
Who is the real monster here? The tentacled creature lurking in the vapor outside… or were you all the real monster this whole time?
It’s Very Postmodern
Some people might ask, how long after modernism is it? A few hours? A few days?
Hello, I’m Lord Byron Castleface, of the Castleface Castlefaces
Now now, no need to be polite or offer to kiss my golden socks at all. I don’t like sycophants.
Prenup for Hipster Dirtbags
The bandmates of both Cuccaro and Smith shall have their longstanding permission to “crash on the couch” revoked no later than the day of divorce.
A Guided Meditation for Moving Out of Your Walk-up Apartment
Take a few breaths, now a few more breaths. Are you really wheezing already? That was only the second trip to the U-Haul.
I’ve Traveled Back in Time to Be on the Forbes “30 Under 30”
With the last dregs of humanity, I became one of the lucky few to be invited into a reinforced bunker (along with my pal Mike, who is not as grateful).
This Is Your 3 AM Existential Dread Wake-up Call
Let’s see. What else can we dredge up from the darkest recesses of your mind to totally fuck up your night?