A Maid of Honor Delivers the State of the Union
On the off chance that something goes wrong tonight, one bridesmaid is currently secured at an undisclosed location.
Tag: Satire
Congratulations, You’ve Accepted My Humor Piece
I don’t take edits: Hey, you’re a fan of mine. Isn’t this the kind of audacity that drew you to my work in the first place?
A Quick Note About My Book Deal
I blew my advance on a fully-loaded Bugatti Veyron Linea Viviere (MSRP $2.3 million), as well as a series of bespoke leather shirts.
Friendly Notes from a Demonic Kindergarten Teacher
Our goal is that incoming demons feel terrified and resentful as we prepare them for a dark future of inflicting l pain upon mortals.
Moo Moo, Your Childhood Stuffed Animal, Is Filing for Emancipation
From the moment that Santa delivered Moo Moo to you under the artificial Christmas tree, Moo has felt smothered.
As Your Primary Care Doctor, I Will Be Happy to See You in Three Weeks When Your Symptoms Have Passed
It’s true that in every other context “primary” means first in order. But words and their ordinary meanings can be misleading.
This Aesthetic Subway Ad Is Here to Tell You That You Are Going Bald as Shit
Not "thinning out." Not "George Costanza-ing." Nope. You're going full-on, sunscreen on your scalp, brain-practically-exposed BALD.
Weddings Vows from Me, a Spelling Bee Champion, to You, My Former Spelling Bee Opponent
Even if the world was ending, I’d be pococurante, like I was in the third round of the Dayton County Regional Bee when my word was "pococurante."
I’m the Best Detective in the World, So Why Do You Keep Second-Guessing Me?
What’s your motive for second-guessing me every second of every day? Every week, we go through the same rigamarole.
A Dating Profile of a Gothic Novel’s Love Interest
Children: No! Ok, I do have one ward. Just the one! She's not my actual child, it’s just… It's complicated.
So Who’s the Real Monster in All This?
Who is the real monster here? The tentacled creature lurking in the vapor outside… or were you all the real monster this whole time?
It’s Very Postmodern
Some people might ask, how long after modernism is it? A few hours? A few days?