Job Interview with a Damaged Goods Employee
Honestly, after thinking about it and coming in today…I don't think you guys want me. I just got out of a LONG relationship with my last company, and I'm just not ready.
Tag: Satire
An Open Letter to the West Towne Mall Jeweler with the Same Last Name as Me
When I spied your "Frederick Asmus" nametag I nearly dropped my Auntie Anne's Roasted Garlic & Parmesan pretzel out of joy. I knew you would want to hear my story.
Subversive McDonald’s Employee Serves Breakfast at 11:02 AM
<p>18-year-old Katie Lawrence sent a splash of hot oil through the fast food industry today when she fulfilled a customer's request for an Egg White Delight, even though breakfast service had ended two minutes earlier.</p>
The Red Phone Diaries
Sorry Mrs. President, we tried to stop the First Man, but Bill was knee-deep in the Hooters already. We tried to email you about this situation, but we didn't get a reply.
Bruce Jenner’s Sixth Grade Essay Reveals Life Goals
A woman is who I am. It's a basic instinct. It’s all I've ever wanted. Not the Gold Medal. That was a digression. Womanhood is my favorite neighborhood.
How the Zombie Apocalypse Changed the Used Car Game
Good morning! I see you're looking at our selection of zombie-proofed vehicles. These certified ZUV's are very popular now and we've got quite a few nice ones in stock.
An Honest Spotify Commercial Interlude
$9.99 a month for practically infinite music at your fingertips is a luxury YOU JUST CAN'T AFFORD. Now, tell me, what do you really see in so much Pitbull?
A Letter from Your Hangover
I want you to feel me in every inch of your body until you lose all sense of logic, and the usual minutiae of lazy Sundays goes out the window.
A Magician’s Legal Defense
I have been asked how the woman ended up dead in a motel room under my name, Tony the Magnificent. But if I were to divulge this secret it would destroy the illusion.
Michael Phelps to Marry 19 Beauty Queens to Break Gold Medal Record
Men out there, I ask you: Would you rather marry Miss California or win 18 Olympic Gold Medals in swimming? We know these truths to be self-evident.
Compounding Word Problems
Dave rates his self-confidence as a 4/10. Janine tells Dave how ugly his new soul patch is, and his rating falls to a 2. By what percentage has Dave's self-confidence dropped?
The King’s Speech, Morale-Killing Edition
Prince Percy: "General Haggis, lovely rousing words, but I was wondering if I might also have a word with our men before the glorious fight..."