Reindeer Farts are Melting the North Pole (And Other Intimate Confessions from Santa)
150 years of the expectation of delivering gifts to billions of children every year has turned Santa into a dick. Here's what he confessed to me.
Tag: Satire
The Tragedy of the Three Bruces
Ever since I can remember, the group has been Bruce Clifton, Bruce Cartwell, and me, Bruce Codneck. So when Jason Coates showed up senior year, I got suspicious.
Role-Play for Normal People with Boring Jobs
The mood is erotic, as an IKEA lap shines on the nightstand, the kids are at a sleepover, and "Now That’s What I Call Music 51" plays that one song you like.
ATTENTION: This is an Important Medical Drug Alert
If you took Fenodoxline for depression, chances are you're going to get sadder. If you took Fenodoxline for foot cramps, there is a high chance you'll lose your hands.
Welcome to the Fleshlight Family!
Thanks to customers like you, we are proving that there is no point in using your hand when you can put your dick directly into a silicone tube.
A Mad Libs Breakup Letter
It's not because your hair is so bad in the morning that dainty bunnies have tried to mate with it. Thankfully, it's everything else wrong with you.
How to Seduce Flo from Progressive Insurance, In Your Imagination
As a male, I am biologically obligated to mentally have sex with Flo from Progressive. How would it go? What would it be like in those starchy white pants?
Listen Up, Period C Lunch: I AM A TWITTER GOD!
Principal Legree, you hold three college degrees, but have only a pathetic 583 followers. And you claim to rule me? I OWN WESTWOOD HIGH SCHOOL NOW.
Three Ways to Make Millions Writing Blogs
The creative process is cool but I need some serious money. I bet you crave the same. Digest my three-part prescriptive program for making millions.
The Emotional Obstacle Course
After the success of last month's Existential Sack Race, and the rising popularity of the Depression Dash, we've decided to add a new event to our roster.
The Great Outdoors with Jesus Christ and Friends, Episode 3
Christ and friends are at a very special little coffee shop in Marquette, Michigan where, to everyone's great surprise, they make an outstanding discovery: Bigfoot!
RE: 12 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Bread
Thank you for submitting your piece, "12 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Bread," to LaughSmack. What you have written is absolute filth.