Michael Phelps to Marry 19 Beauty Queens to Break Gold Medal Record
Men out there, I ask you: Would you rather marry Miss California or win 18 Olympic Gold Medals in swimming? We know these truths to be self-evident.
Tag: Satire
Compounding Word Problems
Dave rates his self-confidence as a 4/10. Janine tells Dave how ugly his new soul patch is, and his rating falls to a 2. By what percentage has Dave's self-confidence dropped?
The King’s Speech, Morale-Killing Edition
Prince Percy: "General Haggis, lovely rousing words, but I was wondering if I might also have a word with our men before the glorious fight..."
Driving Etiquette for the Future
Of course we'll have flying cars in the future. But there's more to driving than cars; there's going to be a whole new driving etiquette based on personal responsibility.
How Officer John McClane’s Recklessness Nearly Ruined Our Family
My intention for writing this was never to shame Officer McClane. In fact, I've learned to forgive the "cowboy cop" altogether. But there is a lesson to be learned from this.
Dear Admiral Ackbar, Please Stop Torturing Us with the Trap Joke
Listen Admiral Ackbar, we all agree you're doing a super job as admiral, but we'd appreciate it if you could stop yelling "It's a trap!" for the rest of the hunting trip.
Otto Querrec, Founder of AutoCorrect, Defends His Existence
I twist nicknames into erotica. I randomly default to German. I'm a quirky invisible playmate. I graduated college with a major AND a minor. I rule your iPhone.
Your Band Literally Rocked My Face Off—Now What?
Dear Crimson Caricatures, long-time fan and former face owner. That's right, your first song's guitar solo melted my face clean off my skull.
Coming Out: Courageous Insights From a Recently Uncloseted Same-Sex Couple
This article is a call for unity: My girlfriend and I are not the only same-sex couple. There are other people who have sex with each other at the same time too.
I Accidentally Switched Bodies With My 9-Year-Old Son
There's no real easy way to go about this so I'll just come out and say it: I've switched bodies with my 9-year-old son and I don't know what to do about it.
Politically Correct Satire for Dummies
In the wake of recent attacks on freedom of speech, we should all take a moment to review what is clearly not acceptable to joke about, no matter how damned funny it is.
I, Pvt. Casimir Krzyzanowski, Demand an Immediate Apology from Napoleon, Emperor of France
Emperor, after you rescued Poland I dreamt of riding by your side and feasting together. But now I shall destroy your empire with my babcia Grazyna's shoe clasp!