The Meaning of Life
The meaning of life is being in a bathtub, no matter what the circumstances are. It’s joining a group to roll a beached whale back into the sea.
Tag: Satire
St. Peter Will Not Let Me Into Heaven Unless I Admit That My 11th Grade Girlfriend Broke Up With Me, And Not the Other Way Around (Untrue)
There’s no way I could have been dumped. I was in the prime of my life—I had a t-shirt for every major beer brand and I drove a Pontiac Grand Am.
I Know the CEO of This Restaurant Chain is Personally Responsible for the Death of Your Wife But Their Fries are So Good
You wouldn’t take away my memories just because all of your memories of Mr. Bawk Bawk are of the CEO standing over your wife’s lifeless body?
It’s Me, the Dog at the Foot of Your Bed, and I’d Love to Get In On That Sex You’re Having
I am DIGGING the sounds and stinks coming from you two and am very excited to join in! I’ve been wagging my tail so hard it’s giving me a rug burn.
If Howard Schultz Won’t Screw Up This Election by Running as a Democratic-Leaning Independent, Then I, David Hoffmann, President and CEO of Dunkin’ Donuts, Will
Howard and I both know the importance of symbolic gestures---have you ever ordered oatmeal at Dunkin’ or Starbucks? No. But you COULD!
Blue Apron Continued to Deliver Me Food While I Disappeared From Thanos’ “Snap”
And you charged me for all of it?! That’s over $15,000! Listen, I’m not made of that Tony Stark money
What Your Smoke Alarm is Really Trying to Say
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.
New Employee Handbook for the Public Pool Snack Bar
All lifeguards are entitled to one free snack per day. In exchange, all snack bar employees are entitled to one free rescue per day. Make it count.
Who Needs Therapy When You Have a Career?
Adjusting the height of my desk chair is my therapy. Nothing says self-care like taking small measures to prevent repetitive strain injury.
Why You Should Reelect Me to the St. Anthony Parish Council
Many of you hare aware of the plumbing issue recently discovered in the sacristy toilet, a situation Father David referred to as “a test of faith.”
I Categorically, Emphatically, Unquestionably Hate DRAMA
How could I ever dream of being a proponent of it when, in reality, I am a victim, torturously stalked by drama at every turn?!
We Should Hear Thanos Out
Imagine: Taco Bell Cantinas, free of the pressure to appeal to a burgeoning youth market, would once more become—simply—Taco Bells.