I Am Out of the Office, But Please Contact Me Anytime (Really, Anytime)
For urgent matters, please reach out to Gary Dilworth, who will bombard me with angry texts in all caps until I respond.
Tag: Satire
I’m an Aesthetically-Pleasing Instagram Graphic about Social Justice, and I’m Here to Do Absolutely Nothing
I’m a hip font on an eye-catching background. I’m a cake that says "end white supremacy." I’m a black square.
Create Your Own Fiscal New Year’s Eve Rom-Com
“On fiscal new year’s eve, there’s no accounting for love.”
Help! I’m the Ideas Guy at Work and I’m All Out of Ideas
I was making lemon history while all those other chuds were clogging up the marketplace of ideas with lemonade.
I Am Your Coworker Who Microwaves Fish, and I Cannot Wait to Come Back to the Office
What is the point of having a job, really, if I can’t subject everyone I work with to deal with the afternoon odors of the nasty lunches I eat?
This Is PayPal, Informing You That Your Account May Be Compromised
Have you been getting some emails that seem Phishy? This is PayPal, btw. The real PayPal. How can you know? You’ll get a gut feeling inside.
Neighbor, I See Your Little Watering Hose and Raise You This Mighty Power-Washing Wand
At 8 PM on Thursday, my basketball hoop is going to look brand-spanking new. I don’t have to care about your family or your kids.
Andy Dufresne’s Apology Letter Had He Gotten Stuck in a Sewer Pipe and Failed to Escape from Shawshank Prison
I intended to flee, but did not expect to crawl through what appears to be two and a half football fields worth of human shit.
The New York Times Reviews a Production of an Elementary School Musical
His portrayal of sexual obsession and lustful yearning is so convincing, a social worker from CPS has come to watch three consecutive performances.
So Your Office Has Been Reclaimed by Wilderness
If in doubt, release a canary (oh, you should bring a canary) into a ventilation shaft and observe it carefully.
Empress Sq’ree-XII’s Favorite Things
I honestly don’t know what I did before I conquered the Choff Quadrant and seized their Time Hex, sending them into a thousand years of chaotic darkness.
Dear Tennessee Williams: Have You Even BEEN to Cleveland?
Cleveland is nothing if not unique. Have you ever BEEN to Cleveland’s own franchise, the Harry Buffalo Saloon?