Twitter’s New Color-Coded Guide to Trending Celebrities
Red and White – Said or did something stupid but not necessarily evil. Named their baby after their foot massager.
Tag: Death
Sorry Ma’am, the Apocalypse Is on a Very Tight Schedule
Ma’am, you’ll have to speak up. War is really gearing up for tomorrow’s grand finale, and his machines are pretty loud.
Godzilla vs. Empty Nest Syndrome
Minilla plods off, leaving Monster Island by himself. Godzilla chokes back his atomic ray as he remembers the first time he laid eyes on him.
On Bread: A Deep History of a Common Food
Hundreds of generations of humans have been sustained on some sort of bread, the same food that I shovel into my mouth with abandon at Olive Garden.
What Your Favorite Color Says About Everything You Are and Will Ever Be
Light Blue - You were born on November 17, 1994. You are 24 years old. You are male. If you were not gay before, you are now. No one knows it yet.
My Eulogy as Delivered by My Targeted Ads
Judging by how few followers he had, I probably knew him best.
This Might Sound Crazy, But Your House is Made From My Mom
It would really mean a lot if I could come in and see where she … ended up. Sorry, looks like I’m interrupting book club.
Rides We Will Immediately Be Destroying at Croceworld, the Jim Croce Amusement Park
Workin' at the Car Wash Ride – Just a way we got free labor by asking parkgoers to buff all the scratches out of the Bad Bad Leroy Brown Bumper Car.
How to Talk to Your Child About the Prophecy They Must Fulfill
Discovering that he was born into a secret society who are defending the Earth and influencing world events may be difficult for your son to process.
Exercise Tips from Literature and Mythology
“But what on earth are you doing?” cried the vexed Rapunzel. “Why, developing and toning my bipeds and quadrilaterals, of course.”
5 Moments at Grandpa’s Funeral That Were, In Retrospect, The Wrong Time to Set Up My LuLaRoe Pop Up
Grandpa would have appreciated that I identified the lighting near the casket as the best to showcase my stunning collection of floral maxi skirts.
Mysteries Involving the Rich and Powerful
The doors and windows are all open and the room is empty except for a puddle of water under the body. How can this be?