The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement
Our love blossomed with the speed of a carefully edited, 30-second commercial for prescription diarrhea medicine.
Tag: Coffee
These New Jigsaw Puzzles Will Have You Puzzled
Pour the contents of "Berries in a Blender?! Whaaaaaat? Berries in a Blender!©" puzzle bag into a blender and pulse for a second for an easy puzzle.
Is Pete Buttigieg Gay Enough? If He Can Answer These Questions, He Just Might Be
Question 3. Do you understand the innate joke that lies in calling your supporters the Pete Fleet and are you willing and able to joke about it?
Optimize Your Originality by Copying Famous Creatives’ Daily Habits
Immanuel Kant (1724-1804): Awoken by spousal uppercut at 6:30, the philosopher began an impressive washing regimen; Kant felt his mind was sharpened by pouring pitchers of cold water over himself.
My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series
Wednesday: After pissing out 6 cups of coffee, 8 cups of orange juice, and a bottle of Gatorade, I collapsed in a state of near catatonia.
8 Diet-Friendly Swaps That Will Make You Thin and Angry
Life isn’t about enjoying things. It’s about adhering to specific body norms! On your deathbed you won’t be wishing you ate more bonbons.
Economy Hotel Chain Celebrates 100 Days Since Last Homicide With Double Award Points
I want to assure Rewards Members that we are now extending free counseling to all members and not just Gold-Level as with past homicides.
Escape Rooms for Adults
"Senior": You’re over 70 and must get your pills organized in that little plastic box with the SMTWTFS lids.
Dispatches from the Great Thermostat War
We prevailed! We, whose skins are sensitive to the winds that whip through the lobby when goddamn Liam doesn’t shut the door—marched into battle.
As Your Unpaid TSA Worker, I Will Be Confiscating a Lot More Than Your Liquids
I’ll be honest, we’re not going to give you back your shoes.
Bergman’s of Sweden: The Existential Diner
Look in vain for a menu, it is torn and stained with tears. There are no specials, ever, only monotonous offerings of tasteless food.
The Survival Guide for Open Mics
The Musician: This Jason Mraz-wannabe thought this mic was for music, but ended up in a cafe full of comedians and stuck it out for some reason.