Ask your millennial co-worker if they need a muscle relaxer when they talk about Twitch, then find out it's not what your back does after a workout.
Uber: For Speed Dating - Sit up front because "you get carsick." Ask the driver if they have any siblings. If they ask you back, you’re in.
We weren’t even at the Genius Bar, and he mispronounced my common name, saying it over and over again, unaware that this meant I was being summoned.
Where are all the people who keep saying you look like Dr. Evil? Who cares! You have to survive a -40 degree blizzard by finding a cave to sleep in!
I “loved” your announcement on Facebook, and left a comment about how excited I am for you. > I find your friendship exhausting.
Things got worse after I said my favorite R.E.M. song was “Shiny Happy People.” He got so angry that I thought his slim body was going to overheat.
26. Obscure form of communication you use to reach out to your ex after they’ve blocked you everywhere else:
My men and I were subjected to the cruelest act of bullying the world has ever seen, simply because we were singing songs of the Fatherland.
Let go. Really, just let go. The truth will come. Sometimes a fart will come. A fart is just another kind of truth. #yogaeverydamnday
It’s part of a system called “Symbiotic Habitation via Environmental Design,” or SHED. It’s also called SHED because it’s basically just a shed.
"Senior": You’re over 70 and must get your pills organized in that little plastic box with the SMTWTFS lids.
Step 21: Start by googling quotes about running, a weird number of which are from the Japanese novelist Haruki Murakami.