All archived observational humor articles from 2000-2008.
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2008
My Inner Gym Monologue by Johnny Groeling
The deepest thoughts of an overweight guy heading back to the gym after nearly six months of avoiding it at all costs.
They Call Her Snow White Because She's a Coke Slut by Nancye Mucciarone Since we were little, Disney has been shoving the “nice guy, true love” lie down our throats. But no more.
This is Why I'm Single by J.B. Hour
You wanna know the real reasons I don't have a girlfriend? Because girls can't let anything go, including arguments and the phone.
The Fine Art of Farting by Jake Sikma
Only a lucky few of us are able to quell the panic, fear and frustration of farting in favor of clinching, leaning and playing off the flatulent with skill.
Why I'm an English Major by Sarah Romeo
English majors are well aware their degree will probably lead to a life of poverty. But for some reason, they can't help following their fate.
In Search of the Legal High by Jonathan Marine
People will claim anything and everything is an intoxicant if it gets them some coin, but which ones actually work? Here are the real deal highs.
007: Die Another Year by Kevin Chang
2007 was a shitshow, a debacle, and we loved every goddamn second of it, from tasers and iPhones to Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith.
How to Be Annoying by Kevin Chang
There's no formula on how to be a writer, much less one for PIC. But that won't keep other internet authors from telling you exactly how to do it.
2007
You Are Not an Internet Badass by Caleb McEwen
The internet has empowered an entire group of people who should never have been empowered. And when real life hits, they better take cover.
And the Rockets Red Glare by J.B. Hour
We won the war, we drive on the right side of the road, and we could care less about Victoria Beckham. Clearly, the U.S. is better than England.
UTV: The Worldwide Leader in Drunk by T.H. McWhiskey
University Television brings you all the programming the other networks won't air. Like the Drinking Olympics, and bands that don't suck.
An Open Love Letter to the Bronx by Sarah Romeo
Oh Bronx, your straight ghetto ways never fail to impress. Except for your roadside vendors. Please replace them with more prostitutes and
thugs.
The Things I'd Do for Money by J. Brown
You might not do ANYTHING for money, but there's a lot of fucked up shit I bet you would do. Shall we begin valuing your pain and suffering?
Your Favorite Music Blows by Jake Klocksien
Hey, do you have a favorite type of music? Awesome, here's why it sucks. Oh, it's indie? Please kill yourself before we have to.
One More 9/11 Down by Paul Frank
One more anniversary down, ten gazillion more 9/11 TV shows and memorabilia to go. Soak it up, firefighters across America.
Welcome Back to Heaven, New Sophomore by T.H. McWhiskey
Going back to college for the first time is like getting a second chance to lose your virginity: same excitement, only you know how to do it right.
We're More Interesting Than You by Kevin Chang
Oh, you thought you had crazy co-workers? You've got nothing on these bitter, angry, depraved, and sexually outlandish bosses and employees.
Disturbing the Greenpeace by Kevin Chang
Those damn hippies are still at it. Fortunately, they also pay enough to convince college kids to sell anyone on the woes of the environment.
Kindergarten vs. College by Matt Hulten
Everything you need to know you learn in kindergarten. Unless you go to college, in which case prepare for a revised course of life study.
America Spelled A-W-E-S-O-M-E by Kevin Chang
There's nothing understated about the way Americans celebrate July 4th. Get out of our way, we've got kegs and we're not afraid to drink them.
Point and Counterpointless by E. Mike Tuckerson and Tom McCormack
Advice columns get a fancy PIC head-to-head response makeover.
Stop, Drop and Roll Kindergarten Cop by Michael Traeger
It's worthless on so many levels, yet it's rewatchable to the point of exhaustion. So where does the national obsession with KC come from?
Where's the Ice Cream Man? by Kevin Chang
The modern day summer isn't all MTV-sponsored fun and games anymore, it's a scramble for even the lowliest of summer jobs.
Penis Envy: A Points in Case Study by Sarah Romeo
What life advantages are there to having a penis? Get in the heads of a select few rock hard members of the PIC Staff and find out.
Women are Like Shoes… by J.B. Hour
Women need a new pair of shoes for every social occasion, and men need a different woman for every sexual occasion. Not so far off, right?
The People We Will Let Down this Summer by PIC Staff
The PIC staff would like to offer their deepest regrets in advance to a number of people, including beer pong partners, parents, God, and you.
I'd Pay Extra to Avoid a “Happy Ending” by Jason Smith
Tired of the happy-go-lucky plot twist? Wish every movie could end like The Departed? Join the ranks of those disillusioned with Hollywood.
The Good Life in the Big House by Michelle Herron
You learn a lot about human nature working in the Big House. In fact, most of life on the outside falls short of prison life.
You Gotta Have Faith by Mark Jabo
Christianity and Climate Change Environmentalism go head to head in a battle of old school religion vs. new school spokesmanism.
Casanova is My Homeboy by Ha Nguyen
Do you know the key to getting women? Find out how close you come to Casanova. (If you came at point blank range you're probably gay.)
My Box for a Box by Amanda Barnes
Attention ladies open to same-sex chemistry: one-night courses of study now available! Female professor, flexible hours, discreet enrollment.
The Freshman Alcohol Major by David Trotter
The university may never know your official choice, but your liver sure will. Remember, double majoring in liquor and beer is ill preparation.
A Few Seconds of Male Genius by Alex Willen
What little clarity is available in man's brain can only be tapped right after that ass. Then it's all muddy again with thoughts of dirty sex.
Escalator to Hell by Sarah Romeo
Attention America: Our laziness has come to a head, and it's time we start using our feet for more than standing around. Now walk it out.
Cashing in on Hallmark Struggles by Mark Jabo
Words of encouragement used to be hard to come by. Now there's a card to tell your roommate you understand if he's gay—From New Boyfriend.
Celebrate Steak & Blowjob Day by James Whittet
Finally, a day where men get to shove their meat in all the right places. It's a his and hers holiday gift where everyone leaves full.
Orgasmo: You've Lost that Loving Feeling by Jonathan Marine
Even the rush of orgasm has a depressing come-down. After putting all your “effort” into a girl, sometimes it hardly seems worth it.
Today We Salute You: Janitorial Staff by J.M. Lucci
Week after week you clean up the results of our gross indiscretions, allowing us to continue our education toward not becoming a janitor.
It's That Valen-time Again by Michael Traeger
Valentine's Day may seem like a cute cuddly holiday, but that was before women made thoughtful acts mandatory. Pressure's on, fellas.
Fat Chicks Make the World Go Round by Stephen Maynard
Hogging is not only a historically recognized mating technique, but a time-honored college tradition. So, how drunk were you?
2006
The Switch: Liquor after Beer by Stephen Maynard
As you reach the drunken “beer plateau” your mind inevitably turns to something stronger. Nope, you are nowhere in the clear.
Student Health Disservices by Dan Zembrosky
Your glands are swollen and you're shaking and panting in a cold sweat. Uhh, you're fine, probably just got the hots for the receptionist. NEXT.
Home for the Holiday Hell by Eric Woodward
Going home for winter break is like a collision of two worlds. Here's how to put a spark back into the old one before a black hole forms.
Oh No You Di'int by Mark Jabo
At the rate the world is generating spin, we will soon travel in time to that perfect future in which nobody is not telling untruths.
Outsmarting the Scantron by James Whittet
Not to burst your bubble or anything, but when a test is graded by a robot, you're going to need some advanced study techniques.
The Dorm Room Doldrums by Matt Gagliardi
You thought going to a party school would elevate your social status. Turns out it only made you geekier by comparison.
A Day in the Life of a Frat Guy by James Pearson
Make fun of Greeks all you want, but until you've stumbled a drunken mile in their loafers, you're missing out, dude.
The Greatest Sexual Theory of All Time by
Chris Phelan
Once a hookup, ALWAYS a hookup. You won't need a scientist to tell you that this theory will help lubricate your next dry spell.
Hip to Be Square by Mark Jabo
Did Apple intend for their iPod to be the new religious symbol for the world? If not, they sure did a good job getting followers.
My Post-Pubescent Pontification by
Jonathan Marine
Shaving your pubic hair is just wrong! It's unnatural, weird, and quite emasculating. Wait, did somebody say deep throat? *Buzzzzzzz*
Why I'm Going to Law School by Jay Maloney
If you need more reasoning in your arguments for drinking, it's time you went to law school, where brains and brews meet a la Good Will Hunting.
Hot for Teacher by Jake Christie
The Hot Professor is both God's gift and curse to college students. Good luck making anything higher than a full C in that class.
Stereotypical Parents of the Campus Tour by Jon Waisnor
As a pre-frosh, the only thing worse than enduring the robotic campus tour is hearing your mom pose the first dumbass question to the group.
Mythbuster: College Roommates by J.B. Hour
For guys and girls, living with roommates of the same gender is a totally different experience. One is fought with fists, the other with slander.
Chewing Out the Fat of America by Dan Opp
It's about time fat people got a tongue lashing. We're too busy apologizing for their “disease” to spit the truth out and let insults fly.
Choose Your Own Adventure: Keg Party by Matt Hulten
The party scene is bumping, do you tap the keg… or that ass? If you're not happy with your outcome, make like a relationship and cheat.
America's Next Top Queers by Justin Rebello
The pot is bubbling with excitement over what sexual cards celebs are hiding up their sleeves. Lance Bass says he's all-in, what a Joker!
The Sketchy Truth Behind Art by Ben Hanson
If you don't get modern art, maybe you're not seeing the big picture. (Hint: cross your eyes to see the dollar sign.) Ah, there it is!
Farewell, All of My Away Messages by Jake Christie
We gather here today to remember an old friend who was there for us even when we were “rubbing myself all over and getting wet.”
Our Ideal Summers by The PIC Staff
Summer is like Heaven: everyone's got a different idea of what it will be like. Let the PIC staff entrance you with visions of paradise.
I Am an Online Poker Addict by Chris Phelan
Online poker is better than sex. Whether you're on top, coming from behind, or all-in, you're in for the ride of your life.
Murphy's Laws of Instant Messaging by Chris Phelan
Everything that can go wrong on IM, will go wrong. Therefore, you can always count on things like getting signed off and losing important IMs.
Frat Party: The Text Adventure by Jake Christie
Make your way through a typical frat party Choose Your Own Adventure style in pursuit of girls. Hint: “HIT GRAVBONG” may be your downfall.
Move Over, Chuck Norris by Michael Curtiss, feat. Jay Maloney
You weaseled your way up to pop culture icon status for little more than your roundhouse kick, but now we've found your replacements, Chuck.
So You Saw Your Roommate's Penis by Jake Christie
Eventually, the unlucky day will come when you catch a glimpse of your roommate's goods. Are you prepared for the awkward aftermath?
Mission Impossible: A Gallon of Milk in an Hour by Mary Walsh
Despite your best attempts, you will never accomplish this feat. Trust us.
2005
The Holiday Blitz Package by E. Mike Tuckerson
Surviving the rush of finals and gift-shopping can be a physically and emotionally draining experience. Here's how to defend yourself.
The Mind of a Single Girl by Ali Wisch
A day in the life of woman versus her own brain. Sure, females come off all complicated, but deep down, it's the same instinctive thought process.
The Cost of Living: Now on Sale! by Court Sullivan
Need to live cheap? Not a problem in Athens, GA, where you can eat, drink, park, drink more, taxi home, and still survive below the poverty line.
Coming Soon to a Theater Near You… by Alan Gates
Look! Up at the big screen! It's a comedy, it's a drama, it's a tragedy…no wait, it's a comdragedy aimed at every single demographic possible!
The Wingman by Vaughan Ramsey
His mission is simple: do whatever necessary to ensure your success with the ladies. Even if that means crashing and burning himself.
Crimes of Fashion, Part 2 by Heather Fried
When girls in tunics and capelettes are hooking up with guys in pink popped-collar polos and rainbow attire, it's time to call the fashion police.
Yeah You Know Me! by Dan Opp
A last name is forever. Unfortunately, if your last name involves any reference to pop culture, so are the repetitive, annoying jokes.
The Time-Honored College Apartment by Lee Camp
Some things never change, including the hot girl and beer poster covered filthy off-campus apartment most guys call home.
Relationship Endings for Beginners by Mike Tuckerson
If you thought it was hard to find the right words to say DURING a relationship, try ENDING one on your terms. Not so easy my friend.
Good Sign, Bad Sign by Daniel Goodman
Romance is a whirlwind affair, but it's hard to get blown away if you can't even interpret the signals of love or hate. It's classic red light, green light.
Before and After Party by Michael Sarko
It's your typical off-campus house party, highlighted by the obligatory keg or three. But did it really meet all your expectations?
CSI: The Home Game by Dan Opp
Piecing together the events of a blackout drunk night is no small task. But knowing the right questions to ask is essential in memory recovery.
Unsolved Mysteries of the Hangover by Lee Camp
Nature's punishment for good times and over-consumption of alcohol is still one of the most unavoidable bodily consequences known to man.
It's the End of the Year as We Know It by Mike Tuckerson
Summer's right around the corner, but the last semester home stretch isn't without its trials and tribulations. Like finals, and quarter beer nights.
The Real World DOES Suck by Brendan McGurk
What is the world outside the college bubble really like? Let's just say the “realness” sets in hard after a week of corporate paperclip-counting.
Praise for the Manwhore by Marelli Gallagher
His only job is to please college girls. Specifically all the ones on your dorm floor. But does he really deserve the tainted rep?
Clean Eye for the Straight Guy by Lee Camp
At some point every guy must come to the realization that his room is better fit for a herd of pigs. Even if he does nothing with this information.
Spring Break with the ‘Rents by Ali Wisch
It's the one week associated with everything debaucherous and you're stuck at home. Oh sure, it has its upsides…for about 12 hours.
Valentine's Day Compromise by Lee Camp
The toughest, most complicated holiday of the year exemplifies the emotional dichotomy between men and women. Solutions anyone?
The Walk of Shame by Ali Wisch
It's Sunday morning and you're still in last night's clothes, reeking of alcohol and sex outside an unfamiliar dorm. Put on your scarlet letter.
2004
Student Video Game Therapy by Mike McGoldrick
Sit down and curl up with an Xbox or Playstation, 'cause it's probably the best stress-reliever you know. But every mood deserves a different game.
Live Like It's Rivalry Weekend by Andy Gallagher
There's nothing more intense than an age-old rivalry like Michigan/Ohio State football. Just try to avoid the cops in riot gear.
Clowning Miss America 2004 by Mike Forest
This year's pageant may be shorter, skimpier, and less talent-based (thank God), but that won't stop it from sucking even worse.
College Students are the Smartest People on Earth by Mike McGoldrick
They're ruthless, lazy, and resourceful. Watch out adults of America.
Cell Phones: The Gift and the Curse by Court Sullivan
You love to hate them, but you can't live without them. It's about time someone gave some static back to the mobile industry.
Crimes of Fashion by Heather Fried
If you're an amateur dresser, chances are the fashion elitists, also known as your friends, are breathing down your shirt.
Talkin' Shit by Justin Rebello
For some, every day is just another day at the toilet. For others, it's a time to look forward to and reflect upon.
Drinking Away Your Summer Vacation by Alex Black
Summer means two things: getting a job and drinking. Not necessarily in that order, but always with adventures involving both.
Freshman Forgiveness by Bill Nelson
Grades and attendance can't compete with the newfound freedoms of freshman year. Don't worry, we all understand.
Just Kick It: The Life of a Punter by Matt Hedges
Imagine getting paid six figures for doing one intense leg motion a few times a week. Your one job is to kick. You are an NFL punter.
The Mind of a Single Guy, Part 2by Justin Rebello
Another day in the life of man versus his own brain. Sometimes it's a ball-busting struggle.
American Idol 2004: Place Your Bets! by E.E. Southerby
When a television show explodes in popularity to the level of “phenomenon” there's only one way to handle it: commence gambling.
For the Love of St. Patrick by Scott Goodyer
Six of the best reasons to love this drunken Irish holiday like no other. In fact, you may want to celebrate it out of season after reading.
8 Things I Hate, Period. by Jonathan Scott
An angry venting about 8 random things, including Crimedog McGruff, status symbols, environmentalists, and cigarette smokers.
Celebratin' Lots Mo' Drama in My Life by Justin Rebello
There is a sort of twisted beauty about the way girls can create so much drama. Here's your chance to get involved at a safe distance.
The Deal To End All Deals by A.B. Fritz
If it's physical satisfaction you're looking for, you better make sure you know the rules of the hookup game before playing around.
Superbowl XXXVIII: A Canadian's Perspective by E.E. Southerby
Some of the most comic relief for our northern neighbors comes from watching the specially-inserted Canadian Superbowl commercials.
2003
The Mind of a Single Guy byJustin Rebello
Find out what goes through the average single guy's mind during the day…start to finish, completely uncensored.
Salutation as Disease: The “Campus Hello” Factor by Jason K.
We're all guilty of spreading this disease to “friends” we barely know. Dread the “multi-meetings.”
If Interns Had Interns by Court Sullivan
Welcome to the world of “sub-interns,” where you will never again lift a finger as an intern. Not even to kill pop-ups.
Wooing the Camera: A Closer Look at Gameday Rituals by Andy Gallagher
You're a sports fan and you need attention in the form of television coverage. But seriously, you look like an idiot.
eBay: Dumbasses of America Unite! by Court Sullivan
Should people be required to take IQ tests before gaining “question for seller” privileges? You decide with these brilliant, unedited inquiries!
2002
Credit Cards Gone Wild! by Court Sullivan
First they were plastic. Then they were gold, silver, and platinum. What element will gain financial stardom from VISA and the scientists next?
Soft Drinks: Oversized and Out of Control! by Court Sullivan
How do you stop the extra-large, soft-drink phenomenon in America? Maybe we can use it to our advantage…
2001
Bigger is Better: Drinking or Driving by Court Sullivan
Be a man about it, seriously.
College Quarter-Shortage Theory by Court Sullivan
Ever wonder why college kids are always desperate for quarters? Well, the quarter itself has a history of elusion.