Sebastian: Dude, this is awesome. I mean, I knew you lived in Tampa but I never thought I'd meet you so soon.
Mark: You two know mutual friends or something?
Sebastian: No, I read his column.
Mark: Oh yeah, Case in Points.
Me: Points in Case.
Mark: Whatever.
Tony: I want everyone to understand that Kansas will beat Memphis.
Me: How do you know?
Tony: Because I bet five hundred bucks on them.
Me: I don't think you quite understand cause and effect.
Sebastian: You ever read Nate's column and blogs?
Scotty: Nope.
Sebastian: Why not?
Scotty: I guess I get enough of him in real life.
Sebastian: Man, he's really funny. He once wrote this five part thing on strip clubs, and it was really great because you could tell that he was really serious about how much he loves them.
Scotty: Sebastian, we're all serious about how much we love them.
Mark: True dat.
Me: Shit Scotty, you scored a true dat from Mark. That's awesome.
Scotty: Sure is.
Me: I love a good true dat.
Mark: True dat!
Me: Fuck yeah.
Sebastian: You really are a lot like your writing.
Erin: Those snippet things you write are deceptively simple.
Me: What a coincidence. So am I.
Sebastian: So, you think I'll be in a snippet?
Me: Say something funny right now.
Sebastian: I once fucked a woman who was technically a grandma.
Me: That'll work.
Dave: Did you really just tell the hot, Swedish chick that you have a girlfriend after she asked you out?
Me: Yes I did.
Dave: No you didn't.
Me: Yes I did.
Dave: No you didn't. You see, because if I knew any man, married or otherwise, that did that, I would have to kill him and yet you're still alive. So you didn't.
Me: Fair enough.
Dave: You're welcome.
Me: But I did.
Dave: I'll fucking kill you.
Scotty: It must be awesome to be a celebrity.
Me: I'm beyond broke, my car's dead, and I'm pretty sure my apartment is growing mushrooms while we speak.
Scotty: Yeah, but people know you.
Me: Three people have recognized me in four years.
Scotty: So what? The only people who recognize me are my ex-wife and my bill collectors.
Me: Don't forget your bartenders.
Scotty: Oh yeah. I almost forgot the most important people in my life.
Labels: snippets