Steve: Good to be back at the bar. I been on the road for eight weeks.
Me: Pimping ain't easy.
Steve: I'm a truck driver.
Me: Six of one, eight point two of the other.
Steve: Are you drunk?
Me: Nope.
Steve: Well get drunk. You're killing me with your weirdness.

Jay: You haven't written the snippets.
Me: I been busy at work.
Jay: You haven't written the snippets.
Me: I had to go to the girlfriend's place after work.
Jay: When are you gonna do the snippets?
Me: Tomorrow.
Jay: No good. They're supposed to be on Wednesdays.
Me: When did you turn into Rain Man?
Jay: Of course the snippets are definitely definitely supposed to be on Wednesdays. Sometimes in the evening, sometimes in the afternoon but definitively, definitely on Wednesdays.
Me: Freak.
Jay: Uh oh. Three minutes to Wapner. Ping!

Me: So where'd you watch the Super Bowl?
Steve: You know I'm a Patriots' fan, right?
Me: Uh huh.
Steve: So maybe we ought not talk about this?
Me: You guys got beat by a guy named Elisha.
Steve: I'm gonna hit you.
Me: His middle name is Nelson. You got beat by a dude named Elisha Nelson Manning.
Steve: Wow. And I didn't think I could feel any worse.

Ashley: What can I get you, Jay?
Jay: Of course, the maple syrup is supposed to be on the counter before the pancakes.
Ashley: Huh?
Jay: And there are no cheese balls on the table. Uh oh. Where are the cheeseballs?
Me: He's just doing Rain Man, Ash.
Ashley: What the fuck is Rain Man?
Me: Get the fuck out of here. You've never seen Rain Man?
Ashley: No.
Me: With Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman?
Ashley: Uh, no.
Me: What the hell is wrong with you?
Ashley: Well, like shit. I don't watch super old movies.
Jay: It came out in the eighties.
Ashley: And?
Jay: Of course, this is definitely bad. Definitely, definitely very bad.
Ashley: Can you make him stop that?
Me: At this point, I don't think I want to.
Jay: Dad let's me drive? real slow on the driveway.
Me: Sure he does, Ray. Sure he does.

Steve: What's Brady's middle name?
Me: He's Catholic, so he gets his Christian name and his middle name.
Steve: But you know it?
Me: Sure. It's John Patrick.
Steve: Why would you care about this?
Me: Elisha. Nelson. Manning. Those are three wussy names. Meanwhile, Thomas John Patrick Brady sounds like an Irish guy who owns ten pairs of brass knuckles. I wonder if Brady ever got sacked by a guy named Elisha. I'll bet it's never happened.
Steve: You sure you're not drunk?
Me: Not a hundred percent sure, no.

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