Stoner Chick: Do you think you'll ever get married?
Me: No.
Stoner Chick: Me neither.
Me: Do you mean you'll never get married or you can't see me getting married?
Stoner Chick: Umm? yeah? ish.
Me: What the fuck is yeah-ish?
Dave: So let me see if I got this right, here. Because if I got this right, then you sir, have become the biggest chump I know.
Lefty: Man, I hope Dave's got this right.
Dave: Basically, you are hanging out with a beautiful, eighteen year old girl who is into you, into partying, and likes football.
Me: Yup.
Dave: And you won't fuck her or date her because you think that would be immature.
Me: Yup.
Dave: And you're the same guy who not six months ago received a blowjob in this bar.
Me: Well, I mean, she didn't finish.
Lefty: No, she did. You didn't.
Dave: Regardless, Nate is now the biggest chump I know.
Lefty: Congratulations, dude. I held that title for a few months.
Dave: Years.
Lefty: Whatever.
Lefty: So what? Are you trying to grow up or something?
Me: Little by little.
Dave: Quit talking about your dick, chump.
Me: Fuck a dead squirrel.
Lefty: Well? that's an interesting comeback.
Jimbo: You ever wonder what happens to all the food that decomposes?
Me: It ends up as matter in some way, shape or form.
Jimbo: But don't we all?
Me: Don't we all what?
Jimbo: Matter. Don't we all matter?
Me: How stoned are you right now?
Jimbo: Very.
Stoner Chick: You know, being a bartender is really touchy.
Me: Huh?
Stoner Chick: There's always guys touching you.
Me: Does that bother you?
Stoner Chick: It used to bother me all the time, but now it only bothers me when ugly guys do it.
Me: Why's that?
Stoner Chick: I mean, umm, if the guys are gonna touch me anyways, I'd rather it be the cute ones that do.
Me: There's something wrong with that logic, I'm sure of it. Yet, I find myself agreeing with you so I'm letting that slide.
Stoner Chick: You're a dork.
Me: How's that thing work?
Charlie: I turn it on and I operate it.
Me: How do you do that?
Charlie: You're not playing with my plane.
Me: You suck.
Labels: snippets