Me: I broke up with Amy. But she wouldn’t have it.
Main: That ain’t how that’s supposed to work.
Me: Don’t I know it.
Me: I was sexually harassed the last game I umpired.
Jen: How so?
Me: A whole bunch of moms sat right behind me and made comments about my ass during the game. If I were a chick, I would sue.
Jen: Well, now maybe you know how uncomfortable it can be to be a woman.
Me: No. Not really.
Jen: Why not?
Me: Because I freaking loved it.
Jen: Men.
Wild: Don’t slam my car door too hard or you’ll get bong water all over you.
Me: You keep a portable gravity bong in the cup holder of the door of your car?
Wild: Yup.
Me: Why?
Wild: Because if I put it in the center console, it tips over.
Me: Fair enough.
Main: So, you said you never wanted to see her again and she said?
Me: That I was being silly. That I didn’t have a good enough reason to break up with her.
Main: And you countered with?
Me: Nothing. She brought by a twelve pack.
Main: You’re messed up, Nate.
Main: So, you’re writing a book?
Me: Yup.
Main: What’s it about?
Me: It’s a whole bunch of chunks of conversations strewn together to tell stories.
Main: About what?
Me: About my life, I guess.
Main: You need a better sales pitch.
Me: Thanks for caring.
Main: It’s what I do.
Chris: I wouldn’t tell people that you’re writing a book.
Me: Why? You think I won’t finish it or something?
Chris: My friend Dave was writing a book once, and he told one person about it. And then, not even one day later, he cracked his skull on some porcelain and forgot what he was writing about.
Me: So? What does that have to do with me?
Chris: Just think about it, man. Porcelain.
Me: Those drugs are turning your brain into a mushy kiwi.
Chris: Why a mushy kiwi?
Me: What?
Chris: An hour ago, you said that drugs were turning my brain into a mushy kiwi. What the hell does that even mean?
Me: You said I’d crack my head on porcelain, and it made me think of a mushy kiwi. I don’t know. Is it bothering you or something?
Chris: Why not a squash or a rotten apple or something?
Me: It was a random choice, dude. It’s no big deal.
Chris: Maybe for you, but I’m the guy whose melon is a kiwi. I have to live with that—hey, where you going?
Me: Do you have any plans this weekend?
Main: Man, the weekend is like two or three days away.
Me: That’s why they’re called, plans, Main. You know, they’re for the future?
Main: What you got going on, anyway?
Me: My friend Court is coming to town.
Main: You know a guy named Court?
Me: I think I just said that I do.
Main: Does he have a friend named Jail?
Me: That’s not funny.