Nate's note: Warning. This one is really long.
Hurricane hype is buzzing like a swarm of bees around a honey covered shit pile here in Tampa, Florida. It started last night, when Hurricane Wilma finally turned off the Yucatan. Actually, that’s not true. It started a few days ago when the idiots in charge of overreacting canceled a South Florida home game (good call, by the way. It was partly cloudy and we barely got rain yesterday). But last night, the hype officially kicked into full fear-inspiring gear. I noticed at about 2 AM on Sunday Morning when I turned on the television and found a slew of giddy meteorologists who, though dead wrong about Wilma’s estimated time of arrival, were still sure that, to quote Uncle Jimbo from “South Park”, “It’s coming right for us!”
Now, the odds are 1-3 (that means $1 pays you $3 by the way) that it may hit us, so I have taken step one of my hurricane plan. I have cleaned my place and cleaned out my cooler. Some people would wonder why in the hell one would clean his place before a major storm. Here’s why: when you’re out of power and have no clue when the world will come back to civilization, the last thing you need is a messy place attracting bugs, lizards and rats. Plus, it’s just easier to find shit in the dark if everything is put away. And yes, I learned this the hard way last year.
Step 2 is buy ice, Step 3 is buy beer and Step 4 is get cash. I’m not even to step 2 yet.
Those of you who don’t live in a part of the world that is prone to hurricanes may not know what it’s like to experience hurricane hype, so what I’m gonna do is, as a tribute to Bill Simmons, NFL football, the makers of Yuengling and the fine people of Tampa, I am gonna keep a running diary of my hype filled day. Here goes.
10:29 AM
I just got out of the shower and dressed in front of the TV. CBS’s weather woman just promised us hurricane updates every twenty minutes. In case you’re keeping score, the hurricane could hit Monday morning at the earliest. So it’s good we have these updates. Also, the CBS weather woman seems upset that Wilma is only a Category Two and that it seems to be weakening. I swear, weather people really love shitty weather. Anyway, I’m not worrying about ice right now. I think I’ll have my morning Gatorade.
10:37
Another hurricane rule of mine is as follows: never have a full fridge. Why risk having food that goes bad, right? I did not go grocery shopping this weekend (as is my custom). Here is a list of my fridge’s contents.
1 1/2 pounds of hamburger
1 pound of green beans
Half a carton of orange juice
3 pints of milk
3 units of watermelon Gatorade
1 bottle of ketchup
1 bottle of A-1
4 pounds of margarine
Today, in case you were wondering, I’m having ground beef and green beans for lunch and dinner. I’ll be washing those meals down with milk, then orange juice (Gatorade doesn’t really go bad). Anyway, I’m gonna go watch some old white people argue about the new Chief Justice of the United States.
10:48
As two old guys discuss the finer points of judiciary something or other, my television emits an alarm-decibel wake-the-hell-up noise and a banner scrolls across the screen. Apparently, a hurricane watch is in effect for Hillsborough county. Hey! I live in Hillsborough county. By the way, is a hurricane watch worse than a hurricane warning? Give me my twenty minute update, already. I need to know these things.
10:59
Just checked my messages. Here’s one from Tony. “I’ve heard the word Yucatan three hundred times in the last five days. I couldn’t even spell Yucatan on Monday. Now, I can find it on a map. Anyway, they’re pretty messed up in the Yucatan right now. You think Tucan Sam lives in the Yucatan? I need another drink. Later.” Technology is awesome.
11:02
Despite the fact that the Buccaneers have a bye this week, my local NBC affiliate still runs their pre game show. This week’s topic: Could Chris Simms really suck more than Brian Griese? Only time will tell.
Oh yeah, and did I mention that you can’t buy beer until 11 AM on Sunday in the State of Florida? Anyway, I’ll be right back.
11:17
I just returned from the Bull Market where a random perusal of a newspaper I had no intention of purchasing revealed to me that two of my three football picks this week are on CBS today. It just got more interesting at the DeGraaf house, er apartment.
Note on the Bull Market: I can get stuff cheaper and closer than I can at the Bull Market but I do not. Why? Because the market has character. For example, on this last trip I learned that the slightly chubby Puerto Rican girl-clerk from Massachusetts only gets four hours of sleep a night.
“Four hours,” I said. “That’s ridiculous. I’d turn down sex for six hours of sleep.”
“Oh honey,” she laughed. “I wouldn’t turn down sex for anything.”
I resisted the urge to point out that she’d probably turn it down for a piece of chocolate cake and got my white ass out of there before I witnessed the obligatory chubby-girl cleavage dip. Now, you can’t have that kind of experience at a convenience chain or grocery mart. You just can’t. That’s worth an extra 49 cents, ain’t it? Don’t answer that.
11:29
According to my TV’s trusty storm update scroll, Hurricane Wilma is 285 miles away from the southernmost tip of Florida and moving at 8 miles an hour. 285 divided by 8 is 35 and change. That’s a day in a half away. Good thing we’ve got everyone worked up in a tizzy right now. I think I’ll go start a fight over plywood.
11:32
My brother in law does not have his first drink until 6 hours after he wakes up. He has scientific backing to prove why this is one of the keys for keeping the body healthy or something. Anyway, I don’t have that rule.
Ah, Yuengling.
12:15 PM
The CBS pre-game show has all the personality of a dead librarian.
12:23
Okay, the hurricane hype artists have way too much faith in their predictions. According to my television’s well-informed scroll banner, my entire viewing area (which last time I checked was limited to the television in the living room) will be under a hurricane watch until 8 PM, at which time, said hurricane watch will become a hurricane warning. When does a watch become a warning? 8 PM, apparently. Now, if these guys were that good at predicting the future, they’d be gambling a lot of football, not lying to me about the mystical power of 8 PM. Just so you know, the hurricane is 283 miles away right now. For all anyone knows, it could go to Texas. I want that noted. Hey, I think I just noted that.
12:34
I honestly think that, armed with nothing more than three friends, a case of beer, four cameras and a couch, I could do the CBS pre-game show better than these cardboard chumps.
12:52
Just stepped outside to get the breath of fresh air not provided by the CBS pre-game show and I noticed something about the neighborhood. It’s dead. There’s no pre-game shows blaring or barbecues cooking or people out walking around and tossing balls and Frisbees. This might as well be the parking lot of Smith Barney at 2 PM on a Monday. You think the hurricane hype has something to do with that? Am I imagining things? I don’t know. I can only tell you what it feels like, and it feels dead.
1:07
Carson Palmer just used a timeout because the Bengals only had ten men on the field. I don’t know what’s more impressive, Palmer’s field vision or the ineptitude of the Bengals organization. Only time will tell, I guess.
1:26
The Benglas just marched down the field, had a touchdown overturned, failed to get a touchdown, settled for a field goal, missed the field goal and then their defense got the Steelers three and out. And yes, I bet on the Steelers. And yes, right now that does not seem very smart.
1:34
CBS has it set up so that when they cut away from the game to show us the Hurricane pictures, they do it between downs and then get us back to full screen roughly around the time the ball is hiked. Good job, CBS. Oh yeah, and it’s third and one for the Bengals. They’re in the Red Zone again, and gearing up to make me look dumb.
1:48
After a Bengals field goal, the Steelers are driving. More importantly though, the scrolling banner just told me that every county within two hundred miles of my house just canceled school tomorrow. My weather prediction for tomorrow: rain. Can’t beat Tampa, huh? “No snow days? That’s too bad, kids. How about a hurricane day?” All I have to say is I can’t wait until Christmas. You can’t beat a Florida Christmas.
1:50
Steelers just scored a touchdown. It’s too early for me to be happy, but it warrants mentioning.
1:54
Mmmm. Ground beef and fresh green beans. Hope they taste as good for dinner. A note on my diet: I developed a diet about a year ago: I don’t eat anything that comes in a box. It has changed my life and it can change yours. Just remember, bad stuff sneaks into boxes. I don’t know why, but it’s true. And in case you’re counting, I’m on my fifth beer.
2:17
Two minute warning of the first half. The Steelers are making stupid penalties that are keeping the Bengals in this game. The Bengals are already in field goal range and need to score something before the half. Hurricane Wilma calls for a screen play.
2:22
My neighbor just knocked on the door and told me she was making an ice run and asked me if I needed any? What a nice girl. I told her that ice is for wussies. I like to keep people on their toes.
2:25
Shayne (where’d that Y come from?) Graham just kicked a field goal for the Benglas. It looks like it’ll be 7-6 Steelers at the half. I can’t wait for the CBS halftime show. Motto: About As Noteworthy as a Puddle of Piss. Really it is. I read it somewhere, I promise.
2:28
Oh yeah, and they ran out of names this hurricane season so now they have to go to the Greek alphabet. This hasn’t happened since… okay, I don’t think it’s ever happened. At any rate, gear up for Tropical Storm Alpha.
2:30
Legendary Tampa Weather Dork, Dick Fletcher, just opened his hurricane update with the words, “I guarantee you, you will not miss any of the football game.” You see, that’s the kind of work I expect from my news people: respect the fact that I’m watching something else right now and let me know what’s up. By the way, Dick’s sure that the hurricane will start affecting the Tampa Bay region around 3 to 4 AM tomorrow. He’s wearing a yellow suit, a plaid tie and a pair of coke bottle eyeglasses. I mean, how can you not trust this man? Dick ends his spiel by saying that he will not update us again until halftime of the 4 PM game. Dick, you have my vote for mayor.
2:48
Steelers kick a field goal. It’s 10-6. Hurricane Wilma wants the Bengals to go back to the run.
2:59
Willie Parker scores a touchdown. One of the announcers refers to him as “Fast Willie Parker.” Because he’s fast, see. Come on. Follow along, already. Let’s keep this line moving (I don’t know what that means).
3:05
Just learned that the Steelers’ defensive coordinator is Dick Lebeau. Tell me that’s not a porn star’s name. Go on. Tell me.
3:16
Another touchdown for the Steelers. It’s 24 – 6. Hurricane Wilma decides to leave the game early and catch a movie.
3:30
According to my television, Hurricane Wilma is now 240 miles from Key West and moving at 12 mph. She’s a category 2. 240 divided by 12 is 20. Maybe Dick Fletcher was right with his 3 AM ETA. It’s all about the coke bottle eyeglasses.
3:45
CBS just switched us to the Philadelphia game. More importantly, there is now a tornado watch in Hillsborough County. I’m going outside to look for one.
3:49
It’s so quiet in my complex right now, I feel like whispering. I’ve seen more lively retirement communities. There’s two thousand people easy in this complex. The average age of the residents is 23, and I dropped a pin just so I could hear it. It’s time to open the windows and jam some NWA. Let’s liven this mother up.
4:10
Some kind of freaky alarm just went off during the Eagles/Chargers game. Weird. No one knows what to make of it. Oh hell, play ball.
4:13
Just found out I lost on the Browns and won on the Steelers. I knew I shouldn’t have taken the Browns. I blame Tony for this. Oh well. At least he owes me a 12 pack. I am now relying on Eli Manning and the New York Giants to keep me in the black. Excuse me, I need a moment.
4:39
I just got back from grabbing a meatball sandwich at the Local Pub and the place was deader than a room full of petrified door nails. I mean this town is sleepy right now. The sky is hazy, the humidity is clogging the stagnant air to the point where you get a cup of water with your inhalation, and everyone is calm to the point of sedation. Could this be the calm before the storm? Whatever it is, it’s inspiring me to take a nap. Though in all fairness, that could have been the sub.
4:50
My mom just called and did the obligatory hurricane check. I assured her everything was fine. Apparently, she raised $15,000 in a church fundraiser, $250 of which was made by auctioning off her desserts. And yes, I feel you need to know this.
5:00
Shanahan just went for it on fourth and two. Oh yeah, and according to my television, Hurricane Wilma is 210 miles away, moving at 14 miles per hour and contemplating a career change. Perhaps into something with computers. She hears they’re all the rage.
5:28
Just woke up from a brief nap. This bet’s not looking too well. On the bright side, we’re at the two minute warning. Soon, Weather Geek Dick Fletcher will update us on Hurricane Wilma again. I for one, cannot wait.
5:43
Dick Fletcher changed ties. He went postmodern on me. Still kept the yellow suit and coke-bottle glasses, though. By the way, ole Dick’s looking a little scared. He says that the lower half of the state is basically gonna get nailed and we’ll more than likely get wind from a category 2 Wilma. Dick is leaning me toward step 2: the purchase of ice. He’s saying we can expect wind, rain, possible tornadoes, more wind and possible power outages. Fucking Dick.
5:50
They’ve already issued the mandatory evacuations for people in trailers in Hillsborough County. I know too many people who live in trailers to make a joke here, so let me just say that it is a fact that they always evacuate the trailers roughly ten hours before the first serious gust. This way we can preserve our supply of disposable home buyers. I ‘m sorry, I meant mobile home buyers. Mobile home buyers. Yeah, that’s right.
5:54
The entire halftime show was circumvented in favor of weather reports from field reporters in different counties which were hit last year by Hurricane Charlie and are expected to be hit again this year by Wilma. These field reporters are sharp cats. They can sense anxiety amongst the residents. Hey, you think that might have something to do with all the reporters there?
6:18
And the Giants punt. Well, they’ve got that down.
6:29
Manning is crapping the bed here. He’s 5 for 17, and he just went three and out again. Somebody remind me why I gamble. Actually, I take that back. Don’t tell me a thing.
6:44
In case you were wondering, I’m on beer number 10. I’m thinking about ordering a pizza and I’m pretty sure that’s a bad idea. Still, though… Nah. It comes in a box. See how that works? Boxes are bad for you. I’m a big believer in this.
6:51
Tiki Barber scored a touchdown. I thought you should know.
6:56
I just ordered a pan pizza with five toppings online. This is why I love America. And hell, rules were meant to be broken. Don’t give me that look.
7:06
Champ Bailey just picked off Manning. My hopes are officially dashed. On the bright side though, I’ve finally seen some lightning and heard some thunder outside. Hey, maybe we’ll get a storm.
7:11
Ordering that pizza was kind of smart. Just in case I lose power, it’d be nice to have some food that can handle a little adversity around the house. Pizza will last for weeks, God love it. This is called, rationalization. In case you were wondering.
7:15
Just so you know, if you’ve read all this, you’re at 2900 words or so. Ridiculous, huh?
7:17
My pizza just arrived. If you’re scoring at home, that took 21 minutes.
7:27
The Giants just came back and won the game by a point. Which is great for them. Two more points and it would have been great for me. Oh well. That’s life in the big city.
7:29
For the record, that pizza wasn’t very enjoyable.
7:33
According to the neat scroll banner gimmick on FOX, there are tornadoes in some of the neighboring towns (a little southeast of where I live). So a Tornado Warning is in effect for Hillsborough County. Again, if you’re scoring at home, we’ve had a pair apiece of warnings and watches, both of the hurricane and tornado variety. A nice brush fire would ice this cake quite nicely, I think.
7:55
It’s time to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of Tim McCarver saying something stupid during the World Series.
8:15 PM
Fucking Scooter. How has that gimmick not been pulled? Does anyone like Scooter? Does baseball have a target market for infants, now? Really, what’s the motivation behind the animated talking ball? Even Manson didn’t act this senselessly.
8:17 PM
Tim McCarver just said, “Do your thinking before the game, not during the game.” Good idea, Tim. Wouldn’t want anyone thinking during the game. Moron. Oh, and by the way guys, it’s raining now.
8:35
Morgan Ensberg hit a homerun, but us folks in Tampa missed it because we got our Hurricane Wilma update. We’re soon to be getting wind bands and heavy rain. That sounds like a movie title: Wind Bands and Heavy Rain, starring Paul Newman and Katherine Zeta Jones. At any rate, according to the guy with the slick hair, the hurricane is scheduled to make landfall around daybreak to the south of Tampa. When asked, Hurricane Wilma admitted that she actually has no schedule because she is a huge chunk of wind and rain that doesn’t have a calendar or schedule book. People are stupid. I mean, really. That’s all there is to it.
8:55
Thanks to two lousy defensive plays, the Astros give the Sox two runs. So, who do I root for here: the team that beat the Cards in the NLCS or the other Chicago team? I can’t decide, so instead I’m gonna root for the following: an Ozzie Guillen ejection, a Joe Buck/Tim McCarver fist fight, and someone (anyone) getting caught with a corked bat. I live for this!
9:23
Chris Myers reveals that he talked to Bill Murray and that Bill is indeed rooting for the White Sox. Wow, that’s a relief.
11:53 PM
I was just waken up by the sound of Tim McCarver screeching like a girl. Thanks for spending the day with me. I’m gonna go make some ground beef and green beans, now. See ya tomorrow, Wilma.