Air Monarch: Your hobbies include lawn care, Catholicism, and memorizing the GDP of nations in the under-developed world.

Air Jordan 1: You let your Apple EarPods dangle on your ear lobes all day.

Jordan V Retro: You lost your virginity in a Famous Footwear parking lot.

Cortez: Your name is Oscar. And you’ve thought about joining a gang.

Air Force 1: You have a gun.

Air Force 1 (High): You have a machete.

Air Foamposite: You have a machete and have used your shoelaces as a tourniquet.

Air Max Penny: You’ve developed acute tendinitis from rewinding audio cassettes with a pen.

Air Huarache: “These fit so great. I got my wife a pair, too.” –You.

Jordan Why Not: You know a guy who knows a guy who knows Coolio.

Air Max Sequent: You don’t make love without your Fitbit Charge 2 on.

Roshe One: You spit out the phrase “I’ll hook you up.” Like, a lot.

Roshe Run Slip On: You have recently and reluctantly upgraded from your trusty Tevas.

Air Max 1: You claim you coined the word “athleisure.”

SB Blazer: Your Skype ID is azzkikr87 and your Yahoo Messenger ID was immortal_kombat.

Air Span II: You’ve gotten in trouble saying, “Black lives matter, I get it but… and I’m gonna get in trouble for saying this, but… black people should spend less money on sneakers.”

Air Max 270: You carry your laptop and your lunch in a duffel bag.

Air Max 180: You say stuff like, “The only way to be a marathon runner is to run a marathon.” You’ve never run a marathon.

Run Free: Your Bernese Mountain Dog’s name is Roscoe.

Pegasus: Your bed linens are corduroy.

Air Maestro: Everything you know about love and basketball you learned by making out with Foot Locker sales associates.