Air Monarch: Your hobbies include lawn care, Catholicism, and memorizing the GDP of nations in the under-developed world.

Air Jordan 1: You let your Apple EarPods dangle on your ear lobes all day.

Jordan V Retro: You lost your virginity in a Famous Footwear parking lot.

Cortez: Your name is Oscar. And you’ve thought about joining a gang.

Air Force 1: You have a gun.

Air Force 1 (High): You have a machete.

Air Foamposite: You have a machete and have used your shoelaces as a tourniquet.

Air Max Penny: You’ve developed acute tendinitis from rewinding audio cassettes with a pen.

Air Huarache: “These fit so great. I got my wife a pair, too.” –You.

Jordan Why Not: You know a guy who knows a guy who knows Coolio.

Air Max Sequent: You don’t make love without your Fitbit Charge 2 on.

Roshe One: You spit out the phrase “I’ll hook you up.” Like, a lot.

Roshe Run Slip On: You have recently and reluctantly upgraded from your trusty Tevas.

Air Max 1: You claim you coined the word “athleisure.”

SB Blazer: Your Skype ID is azzkikr87 and your Yahoo Messenger ID was immortal_kombat.

Air Span II: You’ve gotten in trouble saying, “Black lives matter, I get it but… and I’m gonna get in trouble for saying this, but… black people should spend less money on sneakers.”

Air Max 270: You carry your laptop and your lunch in a duffel bag.

Air Max 180: You say stuff like, “The only way to be a marathon runner is to run a marathon.” You’ve never run a marathon.

Run Free: Your Bernese Mountain Dog’s name is Roscoe.

Pegasus: Your bed linens are corduroy.

Air Maestro: Everything you know about love and basketball you learned by making out with Foot Locker sales associates.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.