Two scoops of raisin bran

Fuck you Jewel-Osco.

Maybe I should explain. For you who don't know, Jewel-Osco is sort of like a Walmart, except with less stuff that isn't food. And they are assholes. But again, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was sitting in my apartment, feeling a great need for some raisin bran, so I decided, despite the freezing cold, the slush, the sleet, and the great winds, to brave the journey. So I bundled up, and walked the three blocks.

The clear paneled automatic glass doors opened with a gentle rush of warm air, washing over me like a summer breeze. I strode most joyously through the brilliantly lit isles, glancing up and down at all of the wonderfully colored products, musing to myself that the sugar contents of most of the cereals could in fact kill a bull elephant, but only cause small children to annoy their exasperated mothers.

I began scanning my items with a smile upon my face, when suddenly, a holiday Grinch appeared.
"Sir, can I see your ID."
I looked with joy and happiness in my eyes all upon the shelves, finally resting upon a wonderful purple box. I had found what I was looking for.

I gleefully picked it up and then proceeded to the dairy section to get some milk. Mustn't forget that! And then I grabbed some Oreos. Because hey, why not?

I gracefully walked up to the self-checkout aisle to begin the process of paying for all of the wonderful products I was about to take home. I always use the self-checkout because I once offended a heavy-handed German woman who works one of the registers. I didn't see Hilda on this wondrous winters eve, but could not be sure that she hadn't skinned one of the other employees and was now wearing them as an attempt to ambush me.

Better safe than sorry.

So I began scanning my items with a smile upon my face, when suddenly, a holiday Grinch appeared.

"Sir, can I see your ID."

"Can I see yours?" I replied.

"Excuse me, sir?" the chubby woman (Marlissa, by her name tag) said.

"Nothing. Why do you need to see my ID?"

"You're trying to buy a product with alcohol in it, I need to make sure you're 21."

"…raisin brain has alcohol in it? Or do you guys just spike your milk?"

"I'd like to make this quick sir, we are very busy."

I took a long moment to gaze upon the impossibly empty self-checkout area.

"Uh-huh…" I said, my eyes creasing in mild confusion.

"The ID sir?"

"Oh, well I'm not 21 so ev—"

"You can't buy alcohol unless you ar—"

"Interrupting is rude, ma'am. Anyhow…" (she seemed to be getting quite irate at this point) "I am not trying to purchase anything with alcohol in it. See?" I said, signaling to the cereal, milk, and cookies that took up the self-checkout counter.

"My computer said you were trying to buy something with alcohol in it."

"Well unless Oreos are now 14% by volume…"

"Let me get my manager."

"Do you really need to get your manager to tell you that I'm trying to purchase the non-alcoholic raisin bran?"

She then walked off and started talking with a short fiery-headed older woman who was on one of the computers supervising the self-checkout area. I took this time to start bagging my items.

I just started putting the Oreos away when—

"Hey!" Marlissa yelled at me, "I just told you to wait for me!"

"I- I know that, I'm just…bagging…I'll…fine."

Both of them walked over.

"Hello sir, I'm Vicki," the manager greeted me.

"Hello. I'm annoyed."

"Sir the computer does say we need to check your ID."

"But I, I didn't…there's no…look…*sigh* does it say what I was trying to buy that had alcohol in it?"

"No sir, it just says when we need to send someone over to verify age."

"As I told your A+ student here, there is clearly no alcohol. None. At all."

She seemed to consider this. But then decided to fuck logic in the ass. With a nail gun.

"Sir, do you have anything in your coat?"

Now, granted, I was wearing a full trench coat. A black one. I enjoy feeling like Neo from time to time. As we all do.

"What was that?"

"Do you have anything in your coat?" she repeated.

"A bare chest and an exposed crotch. Now would you like to ask me any more stupid questions or are you going to stop accusing me of stealing?"

"Oh no, sir! We weren't accusing you of stealing at all! I can see you aren't buying anything alcoholic, have a wonderful night." She then smiled and went back to her station in an instant. Same as Marlissa.

I then bagged up my stuff, walked home and ate the angriest bowl of raisin bran in my life.

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