>>> Against Your Will
By staff writer John Marcher

June 10, 2007

Volumes of literature, prose, and philosophy have been aimed at understanding women. Their combined insight has amounted to little more than Valium, Cosmopolitan magazine, and the modern tampon. These noteworthy accomplishments aside, I have single-handedly come upon a revelation that dwarfs the prolific contributions of Susan Sontag, Billie Jean King, Annika Sorenstam, and the Pussycat Dolls combined. I have cracked the code gentlemen, prepare yourselves.

My contentions are simple:

1. Women are delusional.

2. They use this delusional capacity to implement a process by which they can justify relationships, control their circumstances, and conform them to their own specifications.

3. This mechanism has come to define the very way in which women have evolved.

This process takes place in three steps.

“Once engaged in a relationship, women use a process called vaginal opportunity cost to a degree of proficiency.”

1. Assimilation

When women see a potential mate, and they have worked through the due diligence of potential courtship, they begin to superimpose a preset grouping of attractive features and behaviors on this individual. They take all the aspects of the desirable males they have observed previously, and subconsciously begin to assume that the male they are involved with now, possesses these characteristics. They do this through a psychological process known as assimilation.

Assimilation is when you use pre-existing knowledge to understand new information. You make sense of this new information by referring to information you already have (information processed and learned previously). This is in sharp contrast to the process known as accommodation. With accommodation, the information you already must be adjusted to incorporate the new information. Consequently, women have no capacity for the latter process. This largely explains why, throughout history, men have made the majority of important contributions to society.

2. Acclamation

Whenever you meet someone new, you go through a process of acclamation. With some people it takes longer than others, but essentially you spend time becoming comfortable with the person before you are able to show them who you really are. This initial behavior is known as a persona—essentially a “social mask,” of which in theory you have for every person you deal with. Your persona becomes closely intertwined with the concept of who women think you are (or more accurately, who they want you to be). Because men know that if they acted genuinely from the onset, girls wouldn’t want anything to do with them.

3. Opportunity Cost

Once engaged in a relationship, women use a process called vaginal opportunity cost to a degree of proficiency that could only come at the behest of the finely-honed fulcrum of evolution. Opportunity cost is literally the cost of something in terms of an opportunity forgone, or in other words, the other shit you could be spending your time/money/effort on besides what you’re presently investing it in.

Women apply their mastery of VOC in a variety of circumstances, but mostly in the form of sapping you of your most valuable resources (i.e. time, effort and money). They also utilize it by rapidly redistributing your own spectrum of opportunity cost to value nothing more than pussy. Through this rather rudimentary process (plus alcohol, seduction, and blue balls) they are able to con men into giving up anything and everything. Period.

This process has had massive implications on the evolution of the female gender, and the human race as a whole. Mainly because it is the true deciding factor in determining which women have survived related to natural selection. Because as we all know, if men were left to choose based on looks alone, ugly women would long ago have disappeared off the face of the planet based on selective breeding.

This is precisely why the common whore formulates the highest echelon of the female gender. They have a strict disregard for the entirety of the aforementioned process. They are not interested in the twisted mind games that are the byproduct of the female psyche. They have attained a higher plain of understanding regarding the prioritization of life’s most important resources. This last point largely explains why girls hate whores, but whores could care less about prudes and their like; they have achieved feminine nirvana, a higher state of enlightenment.

It is through this rigorous examination of the process by which women navigate through the social foray of dating, and its many implications, that we are able to draw some powerful conclusions. The first is that being a whore is the expression of loyalty to a higher ideal of female values and behavior than the common woman could ever possibly comprehend. The second, and much simpler, implication of this long string of iron proof logic is encapsulated in the first four contentions of my opus: Women are delusional.

Things That Piss Me Off

People with ring back tones. Have you experienced this phenomenon yet? If you haven’t let me explain; you sign up for a service that essentially replaces the ringing people hear when they call you with a song. Now at face value this doesn’t sound like such a bad idea—kind of like communism—but trust me, after you’ve listened to “Smack That” by Akon for the 50th time it gets pretty fucking annoying.