There's something odd that happens to certain men when cars are concerned. Maybe it's the need for speed, maybe it's the desire for attention, maybe it's just the fact that they're over-compensating for ridiculously tiny penises—whatever it is, I just don't understand it. So many of the typical male behaviors, when it comes to cars, makes no logical sense, even though these same men pride themselves on their superior sense of logic.

I'm admitting here to truly not understanding this, so please someone explain this bizarre car behavior to me using something besides grunts, chest pounding, and feces throwing—preferably logic. What I would really love is if someone could convince me that this isn't just a pathetic attempt at posturing, or a desire for attention, because so far that's all I can come up with. And frankly it's a little hard to believe that SO many of these men are really THAT sad.

5. Riding on Dubs

Car sitting on huge rims
Is there even air in those freakin' tires?
Sure, I admit a certain amount of ignorance when it comes to cars, but this is something I really can't seem to wrap my head around. According to Newtonian physics, big rims would actually slow a car down because of the added weight to force ratio, and that seems contradictory because one would think that men would want their cars to be faster, not slower. Big rims make the car brake, handle, and generally ride worse than if it had "normal" size rims on it.

In my opinion, most cars look really silly propped up on giant wheels and as far as I understand it, you actually have thinner tires too, meaning you just have to buy tires more often. I have actually known people who spent more money on their rims than their entire car. Hell, I have known people who spent more money on their car than anything else and then complain about what a shithole they live in. The whole big, flashy, expensive, rims thing makes NO sense to me and I would really like to hear a logical argument for this other than, "Look at me, Look at me, HEY LOOK AT ME!" Your car doesn't look or handle any better than you would look or handle if you went out and bought a pair of size 20 shoes to walk around in.

4. Burning Rubber

Tire peeling out and smoking
I think your ego is on fire!
I can't be the only guy on the planet who doesn't understand the reason behind squealing your tires—please tell me there are others out there. Tires function best when they have more tread on them, thus more traction—squealing your tires and leaving rubber on the road makes your tires wear out faster. Wearing out your tires faster just means you have to buy tires more often. Buying tires more frequently means you have less money in your pocket to spend on other ridiculous things. Wait, aren't you the same type of guys that pride themselves on having a sound economic understanding?

Believe it or not, I've actually seen guys pour thousands of dollars into their cars and then burn rubber to the point where their car literally catches fire and they have to extinguish the vehicle or abandon it altogether to burn up in the flames of their own stupidity. I know you probably all think burning rubber means your car is powerful but all you're really conveying when you do this is that your tires are now that much weaker, meaning you have less traction then you did three seconds ago. You are quite literally lowering your vehicle's handling performance with this little display. It's the equivalent of a boxer punching himself in the face several times just before his big match begins, in order to show how tough he is.

3. Making Cars Louder

Giant muffler on a Honda Civic
Size of Exhaust Pipe = Stupidity*(1/Penis Size) where Stupidity is the proportionality constant.
A correctly functioning vehicle would be one that is quiet and NOT noisy, so when you aspire to make your car louder what you're really doing is making it LESS functional and making yourself look more stupid. Cutting your muffler off, punching holes in it, or adding large exhaust pipes designed to be loud makes NO sense to me unless you're adding something to actually increase the performance of the vehicle. As far as I understand mechanics, your vehicle is not MORE powerful because of it's sound, it's just more annoying. If your desire is to simply be more annoying to those around you then congratulations, you've earned our pity.

In addition, in most places having your car too loud will get you a hefty ticket. Basically, you're damaging your car, so you can get a ticket, resulting in spending money for no reason. How is that even remotely logical? Speaking of spending money for no logical reason, why add huge exhaust pipes or spoilers that have absolutely no function other than to confirm what a tool you are? Every woman I've ever met has the same universal reaction to an extremely loud car: a big eye roll of contempt and annoyance, not admiration. Yet for some reason this behavior persists.

So I ask you, gentlemen with the loud cars, if women universally attribute this to you compensating for other certain inadequacies, why on Earth would you proudly continue this behavior? Last time I checked, the average man doesn't want women to think he has a small penis—at least that's what all the spam that arrives in my inbox suggests. Never once have I seen an ad to decrease the size of your penis so women will find you more appealing, yet you continue to confirm your inadequacies with your boisterous, pointlessly modified automobiles.

2. Revving Engines

Car dashboard lit up
This is how I measure my RPMs—Ridiculous Penis Measurements.
The most obvious explanation for this is to get people to look in your direction, but come on guys, you can't be THAT hard up for attention, can you? Please tell me there is some real life reason you guys do this when at a complete stop. You'll see these guys revving their engines while sitting at a stop light, in a parking lot, or (my personal favorite) in their own freakin' driveway! Revving your engine isn't good for your engine performance, so exactly what is the logic in doing it? Every car has an engine, so it isn't like you're showing the world anything new. And there's no way to tell how powerful your car is from the sound of it while stationary, so the only reason I can think of is that you just really need a big hug.

I'm here to tell you guys now that everyone around you thinks you're a complete idiot when you do this. The attention you're getting is not the kind you were actually looking for. On a side note, it seems that guys on motorcycles are twice as guilty of this and sometimes spend hours in their driveways just sitting on their bikes revving the engine, while other pathetic guys stand around and watch them. Sad, just truly sad guys, please stop, because you're breaking my freakin' heart with this obvious plea for attention.

1. Truck Nutz

Michael Bay in front of Egyptian pyramids with truck nuts hanging from above
When I see a truck with balls hanging from it, I can't help but think the driver is stating to the world that he no longer has his anymore, because he's a eunuch and hacked them off to hang them from his truck.

Seriously though, what the hell is this all about? I mean are you tools actually stating that your truck metaphorically has balls, because if we're speaking metaphorical car language then your truck also has headlights, hubcaps, a rack, airbags, AND a spare tire. Doesn't that make your truck a transgendered, big breasted, nipples sticking out, balls swinging, behemoth that you're inside driving?! Stick a three-foot lift kit on it and it might as well be in high heels too!

Devastator Transformer
The new Devastator, sucks! Literally!
Men of the world, lose the Truck Nutz and just be secure in your masculinity instead of making things worse for the rest of us by lowering the bar with these ridiculous things. Oh and FUCK YOU TO HELL, Michael Bay, for putting Devastator in this class of asinine bullshit. That's right people, in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, Devastator is sporting a pair of Truck Nutz in the form of two giant wrecking balls, despite the fact that none of the construction vehicles that make up Devastator actually HAVE a wrecking ball, let alone two. Michael Bay, you fucking FAIL in every way for giving Devastator a pair of giant decepticles!

Basically, this entire article can be boiled down to three little words that lie at the heart of every guy's massive man-tastic ego which is screaming on a daily basis, "LOOK AT ME!" I guess I can't fault these ridiculous car enthusiasts that much though. Some would argue that writing comedy articles for no other reason than providing readers with laughs is no different. I mean let's face it, that's the reaction I have when I see any of these ridiculous displays of car ego: to simply laugh hysterically at it. The difference is, you're supposed to laugh at me, whereas some of these guys actually want to be taken seriously.

Regardless, if we guys all need that much attention, doesn't it just make us all needy, whiny, little attention whores? Maybe, just maybe, we should all agree to lay off the women for awhile for actually adequately expressing a desire for attention in a healthy way, because at the very least I am thankful they aren't hanging a giant plaster cast of a cow's vagina from their fucking cars.

And now a quick joke...

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco’s floors.