This weekend, I cut ties with my gym of many years because I'll no longer be living close to it. This breakup meant that I would have to go and get my clothes from the gym locker, the same stuff I had forgotten I had ever worn, and figure out a way to dispose of it. This is that story.



Gym locker room
Where the magic happens.
YARO: Gee, this sure is a lot of junk for me to move out of here, I haven't even seen some of this stuff in years. Is that my protein shaker? Oh my god, that thing must be rancid, I haven't seen it since grade nine. Okay Yaro, whatever you do, do not open that shaker. Now let's get back to cleaning diligently…

(YARO quickly gets bored, inexplicably attempts to juggle items that are within arm's reach, and ends up dropping the shaker)

YARO: Uh oh..

(A giant GENIE pours out of the shaker and hovers in front of YARO, who stops juggling)

GENIE: Yaro, you have freed me from my prison and I shall grant you one wish.

YARO: I wish for infinite wishes!

GENIE: You can't do that. How about this, pick any sport you want in the world and I will make you the greatest player to ever play the game. You'll be better than LeBron at basketball, better than Tiger at golf, or better than Ronaldo at soccer.

YARO: Ooh really? Okay well that's a pretty tough choice, there's a ton of options.

Basketball? It's the only sport that lets you lead a lucrative lifestyle while you're off the court, complete with drugs and guns. GENIE: True, but imagine being a hockey player who's beloved by his city and his fans. You would score three goals a night and your teammates would love you. There would be puck-bunnies literally throwing themselves at you.

YARO: Yes…but don't the really good players play all year long? They have the NHL season and then they play for international leagues in the summer so it's a solid year of ice skating. Plus I like my teeth, so I don't think I'll take that one.

GENIE: Okay, well how about football? You can be an American icon who's looked up to by the youth, you don't have to run very much, and you can play until you're 50 then decide to retire and comeback! Plus the championship rings are huge and you would get the best trophy wives.

YARO: Yeah right, you only have two options in football: you either become a receiver or a runner and get hit by things travelling the speed of a cannonball, or you're a quarterback who gets blamed for every loss and every part of your public life is dissected by TMZ. I'll pass.

GENIE: How about soccer? You get paid the most money, an entire country loves you enough to start riots over you, you can get your hair professionally styled without people calling you names, and you would get to travel all over Europe.

YARO: Are you kidding? You want me to run for 90 minutes straight? I don't care whether or not I could do it, I wouldn't want to. Plus nobody in the Western world would really care about me unless I started dating Miley Cyrus.

GENIE: Basketball? Think of the women!! It's the only sport that lets you lead a lucrative lifestyle while you're off the court, complete with drugs and guns. Plus, no matter how badly you screw up, you can still get adolescent kids everywhere to spend $300 on your shoe.

YARO: They do get the summer off, but I think I've made my choice.

GENIE: What is it? Golf? Rugby? Curling?

YARO: Nope, baseball.

GENIE: What? Why??

YARO: I get paid the most money, I don't run enough to break a sweat, and most of my days would consist of standing in the middle of a field in the sun while waiting for a ball to come my way. Or I could become a pitcher, that way I don't even have to play every game!