My permanent record is so scandalous, my third cousin's neighbor in Tucson, Arizona wouldn't be able to run for the school board—even though we've never met. By associating with me, your political career is basically over, because I will get you in some sort of shenanigan, hijinx or malarkey.

I don't really care, because I have no political ambitions. Sure I'd like to rule the world, but I don't think you primates could handle a leader such as myself.

But if I absolutely had to take an office, I'd be Vice President of the United States. It's probably the best job ever. You get paid a lot. I think you sleep in racecar bunk beds with the Secretary of State in the tree fort behind the White House. You and your buddies fly airplanes to work. Government workers receive the sweetest benefits and awesome vacation packages. You don't get to control the military, but I'm pretty sure if you wanted to you could call all the park rangers and have a bonfire to roast bald eagles on the top of Mount Rushmore. That's in the Constitution somewhere. I checked.

Basically, your whole job is to never have to do your job. The best part is that the only way you ever have to show up is when the government votes and needs you to be the tiebreaker-I suggest voting "B" all the time. The other time is when your boss dies, quits or is fired. And seriously, what's the chance of that happening?

One of the reasons for my passionate affair with the vice presidency is that I've always had a thing for interns, and I would like more because A) they do your work for free, B) they think you're smarter/cooler/more talented than you really are, C) it's not only acceptable but good practice to verbally or physically abuse them, and most importantly D) they're hot. Basically they are indentured servants working for college credit.

Okay, so you might have to bang the second most attractive intern instead of the hottest one, but it's Washington, D.C., there aren't that many lingerie models running around. Seriously though, it's our nation's capitol. It's all lawyers, law students, politicians and interns. But D.C. doesn't have hot interns like we have here in NYC. Nerd interns.

Being vice president is like going to Europe to backpack for four years (eight if you're lucky). You don't have any responsibilities and you can just show up to places. Want to take a leak off the Tower of Pisa? Sure, maybe you can fit it in if you're not too busy on Wednesday during your tour of ancient Nepalese bicycles. Early tomorrow morning there's grouse hunting with some political pundits? You don't even have to bring your own gun-plus you get to shoot real white people!

Nobody ever says, "Ah shit, our country would be in such better shape if we had never kind of sort of elected Dan Quayle as vice president. He totally effed things up for the future." No. They say, "Man, the original George Bush was so much cooler as veepee rather than real President. All he did before he sold out was chill with Oliver North and have ‘who can light the most matches' contests. That's when he did his best work. Then he got elected and thought he was all special and stuff. Once he thought he could tackle the big job, he turned into a dick." And it's true. George Bush Sr. was an awesome vice president and the world was great. Then he was elected to the big kahuna position and threw us into war, recession and global mockery. He should have known his limits. Plus, I'm pretty sure you can be vice president as many times as you want, which would be an infinite job if you're smart.

Then there's the fact that you are never blamed for anything. It's always the boss's fault.

When was the last time somebody had a valid complaint about the vice president? The only reason Dick Cheney catches so much flak is because he's trying to do too much. If he'd just hang out playing Rock Band drums while the Secretary of Education did lead guitar (that dude doesn't do shit either) he'd be so much cooler, and actually be doing his job-which, as I stated before, is nothing.

Best of all, you could devise a vast right or left wing conspiracy that captures the hearts, minds and vaginas of college students everywhere in order to go on tour and bang co-eds the whole time. Then you could win an Oscar and bang Hollywood interns.

So get your ass out there and vote. I don't care for who or why or how many times. Just vote. But make sure you write me in as vice president. I'm totally qualified to do nothing for four years.

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