Due to high ratings, a serendipitous seven "favorites," and the overwhelming number I have to choose from, the Seven Epic Drunk Dials are back for Round 2. A few names have been changed to protect the innocent, and I once again hope to God that I have an exaggerated memory, or that my friends, voicemail, text messages, email, bank account and court records are lying to me, because if not, I'm kind of a fuck-stick.

Don't be like me.

Hi Dad, could you buy me some stock in Anheuser-Busch? Judging by the size of my tab, you're going to want to buy some too.
1. Calling my roommate from…somewhere:

Mikey: What?
Alex: Want me to pick you up anything from Burgerville?
Mikey: The fuck are you talking about?
Alex: We're going through the drive-through at Burgerville; you want a shake or something?
Mikey: The closest Burgerville to Seattle is like 200 miles away.
Alex: I see…
Mikey: Dude, who are you with?
(Long pause)
Alex: I'm gonna have to call you back.

2. Calling a friend for a ride home:

Bonnie: Where are you?
Alex: Hiding under a bridge.
Bonnie: Again?

3. Stumbling home from a 4th of July celebration:

Jeff: Hello?
Alex: Jeff, what's a dime sack?
Jeff: A measurement of weed.  Why?
Alex: ‘Because I'm currently holding one.
Jeff: But you don't smoke.
Alex: I know.
Jeff: So how'd you get it?
Alex: I…don't know.
(Long pause)
Jeff: It's really sad that I'm not even that surprised right now.
Alex: What's an 8-ball?

4. Coming out of a blackout, realizing I have no idea who I'm talking to:

Girl: You're an asshole.
Alex: Huh?
Girl: You're an asshole. You're never nice to me; I don't know why I put up with you.
Alex: Right, um, yeah sorry about that. What exactly did I do?
Girl: Just…everything! I mean, you always-
Alex: Gonna need specifics here, babe.
Girl: Aaargh!
-Click-

5. Calling Dano while watching football the morning after he got arrested:

Dano's Phone: You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Alex: Dano! You're in fucking jail, man! That sucks!
TheOrangutan: We're gonna come break you out, so listen up.
Alex: Fuck jail!
TheOrangutan: I have a Jeep, you have a truck. Somehow I'm sure we can make that work.
Alex: (to TheOrangutan) Dude, I think he's like ten stories up.
TheOrangutan: Fuck. Well, how high can you jump?
-Beep-
Dano's Phone: You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Alex: I can't believe you're actually in jail Dano. I mean, come on, bro.
TheOrangutan:  New plan; we're gonna gather everyone from the pledge class and bum rush the front desk.
Alex: After the game, though.
TheOrangutan: Right.
Alex: We should give him updates so he feels more connected.
TheOrangutan: Good idea.
Alex: So, we just kicked off to them, and they ran it about fifteen yards until-
-Beep-
Dano's Phone: You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Alex: Dano, bro, you really just need to get out of jail.
TheOrangutan: Final plan: push the skinny button until you can squeeze out the window, then just float down like a piece of paper.
Alex: But don't let some hobo make you into a sign.
TheOrangutan: Unless it's one of those funny ones about ninjas.
Alex: Right. You hear that Dano? Only if it has ninjas.
-Beep-

6. Attempting to make (un)wise investments:

Alex's Dad: Hello?
Alex: Hi Dad; could you buy me some stock in Anheuser-Busch?
Alex's Dad: The markets are closed.
Alex: I'll pay you back.
Alex's Dad: No, Alex, listen, the—wait, why do you want to buy Anheuser-Busch stock?
Alex: Well, judging by the size of my friends' and my bar tabs, you're going to want to buy some too.
Alex's Dad: (sighs)
Alex: Do you think shareholders can opt to receive dividends in the form of Bud Light?

7. Calling my old Atmospheric Sciences 101 Teacher's Assistant:

Alex: Yo Jonesy how's it goin' bro?
Jonesy: It's going well man, just printing out tomorrow's quizzes.
Alex: Really now…that's funny, because I was just studying for tomorrow's quiz and was wondering if you could help me, um, focus my studies?
Jonesy: Do you always study with Ludacris in the background?
Alex: Creates a nice aura of confidence.
Jonesy: Yeah, you could really use more of that….
ObnoxiousGirl: What's up Weather TA?! Holla! I make it rain! Haha.
Jonesy: Drunk girls?
Alex: Just adding to the Ludacris concept.
Jonesy: Are you going to come to class hungover again and sprint to the bathroom halfway through the quiz to puke?
Alex: For you Jonesy, I'll puke before I get to class.
Jonesy: Thanks, Bash.
(Long silence)
Alex: Sooo…how about them quiz questions?
Jonesy: Bye Alex.
-Click-
Alex: Oh well, there's always cheating to fall back on.

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or weekly newsletter.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.