Occasionally, mundane things happen that captivate our gecko-like attention for what seems like an eternity in this fast-paced society, and we then overlook other news stories altogether. For instance, by now everyone knows that Micheal Jackson died, but frankly it isn't all that surprising if you give it a moment's thought. Amidst the MJ media storm though, you may not have noticed that Farrah Fawcett died as well, following a heroic battle with cancer. While some of you may not know who she was, I would argue that if you knew who Micheal Jackson was but didn't know who the number one pinup model of all time was, then your sexual confusion has finally been elucidated for you.
Walter Cronkite also died recently. What we all missed there was that with his passing, all relevant news apparently kicked the bucket for good as well. The news these days is saturated with things like Jon and Kate plus HATE, Barack Obama's choice of baseball jeans, Governor Sanford's adulterous lunatic ramblings, and whatever Sarah Palin is doing at any given moment of her life. People, correct me if I am wrong, but this shit isn't news, this is what Twatter was invented for…er, Twitter.
When was the last time you were beaned in the head with a tadpole from the goddamn sky? Never, that's when!But what I REALLY want to talk about now is something truly fascinating that you all may have missed over the last two months in the "important news blackout."
Did you know that our planet has finally had enough of the craziness surrounding Japan and decided to eject the entire country from our current paradigm altogether?
Now first let me state outright that I have nothing against Japanese people; in fact I find them to be quite fascinating on many different levels. I thoroughly enjoy many different aspects of their country and culture,including, but not limited to sushi, video games, anime, tiny trees, and their horror movies (which are simply great). However, the globe that we call home in this universe has decided that it simply can't keep up with Japan's rapidly evolving insanity, so in response, it has thrown every random thing it's got at it, literally.
Over the last two months Japan has been pelted from above by tadpoles, fish, frogs, dragonfly nymphs…even a mummified snake. I know you're all thinking that this must be some elaborate joke dreamed up by the demented mind of a PIC columnist, but I assure you this is no joke.
Back on June 4th (yeah this is actually old news) in the town of Nanao, part of the Ishikawa prefecture, witnesses heard a strange sound outside and then discovered approximately 100 dead tadpoles that fell from the sky in and around the parking lot outside the Nakajima Civic Center. Almost every day since then, reports came flooding in of similar downpours of an inconceivable nature happening all over Japan. Sometimes it was tadpoles or fully developed frogs, other times it was carp or catfish. Then things just got weirder when one day dragonfly nymphs and even a mummified snake fell from the sky. Usually the animals were dead by the time they hit the ground (especially the mummified snake), but a few were found still breathing and moving slightly. "I've never seen anything like this before," said one meteorologist. "We have no idea what caused it."
Okay so let me be the first to say, "THAT IS FUCKING NEWS, PEOPLE!!!" I mean, everyone is going to die, and you're likely going to die sooner if you try to replace your entire face with silicone and Botox, so MJ wasn't a huge shocker. Divorce and adultery happen every day whether you have one kid or your vagina suddenly turned into the international arrival gate for sweat shop labor children at LAX. But when was the last time you were beaned in the head with a tadpole from the goddamn sky? Never, that's when! So can we perhaps throw a little attention toward the truly unbelievable, fascinating, mind-blowing events that have been going on for months and leave the utterly mundane alone for a while?
I had something very different in mind when the experts cited "changes in weather patterns" due to global warming.The first logical question, other than why the hell no one really reported this in the news, is what could possibly cause this bizarre animal rain? Some people believe the wacky showers may be the result of weather disturbances like waterspouts picking up things and ejecting them into the atmosphere, only to rain down elsewhere. However, no meteorological agencies have reported strong winds or unstable weather conditions of any kind in the areas where the rain has occurred, which pretty much scratches that theory.
Others believe random birds may be vomiting up large quantities of undigested food, although ornithologists dispute this claim due to the distribution of the animal rain and the complete lack of birds sighted when it occurs. A few people even suggested that it's the work of aliens, but what kind of psychotropic drugs are these aliens on that they decided to randomly chuck various different animals on the inhabitants of the planet they visited?
Then of course there are those who suspect an actual smiting by God, which, given some of the region's game show content, might actually be the most plausible explanation. If you ask me, though, that's a pretty weak ass smiting for a supreme being, unless he doesn't have cable or the internet up there to catch the demented programming being pumped out of that country. But perhaps, given his rumored forgiving nature, this is just a warning shot—first tadpoles, then a giant hellfire meteor.
Whatever the cause of the bizarre weather, one thing is clear: our attention is focused entirely in the wrong direction!! The planet is raining tadpoles and other oddities on an entire country and the cover of every magazine in the grocery store is about who Jon Gosselin might or might not be getting blowjobs from?? Seriously people, there is some other stuff going on in the world that might actually require a little more of our spastic attention. Let's direct a little thought toward the fact that Japan has now become the target of either a Biblical event, attack by totally high aliens, or an environmental clusterfuck.
If you need to make it about something trivial before you actually put any consideration into it, then reflect on this: With Japan under attack from God, the planet, aliens or whatever, who is going to make the next Nintendo game system for us? If you want a more noble cause to get behind, then how about climate change? I don't know about you but I had something very different in mind when the experts cited "changes in weather patterns" due to global warming. I didn't think the planet would start raining fish on us, otherwise I might have put a little more effort into being environmentally responsible.
Whatever reason you require to direct your attention away from Micheal Jackson's corpse, by all means please use it, because I for one don't want to give up sushi anytime soon. Even if it is now falling from the sky, I still need someone to roll it for me, cut it up, and then charge me an exorbitant amount for it, all the while giggling like a schoolgirl.