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By staff writer Nicole McKaig
December 8, 2004

Dear Nicole,

Why is it that all the hot ones are Jewish?


Dear Cassandra,

What a fitting tribute to Hanukah! Well Cassandra, I can only assume that their irresistible good looks are part of some vast Zionist conspiracy designed to take
down Western society, or control the weather or something. But one thing is certain: Whether they're acting in Hollywood, singing on Broadway, or filming themselves taking a crap in Berkeley, these studs are always



Dear Nicole,

Why do girls like to tell guys about how other guys hit on them? Is it supposed to be a way to get our attention?


Dear Peter,

No, that's what the kazoos are for.



Dear Nicole,

Good work honey. I know someday you're going places. Maybe even Pasadena, lol.


Dear James,

Thanks. You know, there have been plenty of talent scouts begging me to take their team to the Rose Bowl, 'cause I know a guy who'll let me use his van. Lately,
though, I've been thinking about going to South America. Souther than Pasadena, even.

Which reminds me…this week there was a baffling report released, naming
Brazil as one of the world's top polluters. This claim has left many of us scratching our heads, and perhaps flailing our arms in confusion. So how can a country
into which the Salad Shooter has been only recently introduced produce that much pollution? As it turns out, they've been burning down the Amazon, home to nearly
a third of known plant and animal species. In the last century, half of the tropical forest has been destroyed. Frankly, I'm shocked. It shouldn't take that long
to burn down a forest. It makes one wonder if they really have their hearts in it.