>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
December 29, 2004

Dear Nicole,

Do you ever expect to get people to take your advice seriously after the kind of bullshit answers you post to the questions some people actually do have about everyday life?

-Diego

Dear Diego,

How dare you! I don't post bullshit answers, I merely write them. COURT is the one who has wronged you, it's HIS blood you want.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

If someone smells do you tell him? Or would you just let him find out on his own?

-Chinaman

Dear Chinaman,

Telling him would just be awkward. If I were you, I'd just cough up the $1.50 and shove his ass in a washing machine. I'd say maybe 15 to 20 minutes on warm, then tumble dry low. Season to taste and serve with a chilled chardonnay.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

I just got divorced after 17 years of marriage and this guy is heavily pursuing me. Is it now acceptable to have sex on the first date or some form of?

-WhartonR

Dear WR,

Things have changed a lot since last time you were on the dating scene. Nowadays, it's considered extremely impolite to not get pregnant on the first date. If you don't want to be ostracized from society, I'd get with the times, slut.

Sincerely,
Nicole


Dear Nicole,

I'm from Australia. We've got universities ‘n such, but its not quite like the sororities I see in teen movies. Is TV lying to me?

-Coor

Dear Coor,

No!! No, no, no. NO. ….Well, yes. But just because college girls aren't having drunken lesbian orgies doesn't mean we aren't crawling with disease. Give us a little credit.

Sincerely,
Nicole


The Second City 10% off discount for comedy classes is back! Enter code "PIC" at checkout online for any multi-week or drop-in class.
Interested in earning a living in comedy? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion, created Comedy Business School to teach you how to do it.