>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
October 13, 2004

Dear Nicole,

Who are you dating right now? You have many solutions to many situations presented to you…I'm just wondering who gets the luxury of satisfying you in every way possible, taking care of all your needs?

-Celsiusssdpg

Dear Celsius,

Well, I'm thinking of investing in some mutual funds, if that's what you mean.

Sincerely,
Nicole



Dear Nicole,

What's the best way to stop my genital herpes from flashing up? Oh, and how did I get it, too….

-Al

Dear Al,

Most likely, you got it by having sexual contact with someone else who has herpes. The most common drugs to help prevent outbreaks are Zovirax, Famvir and Valtrex. I researched the efficacy of these products by watching some drug commercials, and am pleased to report that my findings were very encouraging. I have concluded that people taking these drugs are much happier than the average consumer. It seems that people with genital herpes are beautiful, stylish, and love to sail. They also have impromptu dance parties around the campfire, and pull all sorts of zany (yet inoffensive) shenanigans while enjoying the company of others who share a common goal: to avoid outbreaks of itchy, burning blisters on their collective genitals.

Sincerely,
Nicole



Dear Nicole,

I woke up this morning nearing 6 a.m., but not in my bed. I had walked to my garage and reversed the car into the wall. Can you fathom that sleep-walking has evolved into sleep-driving? And no I wasn't lit up more than my normal weeknights.

-Blaine

Dear Blaine,

Actually it's not as uncommon as you may think… some sleepwalkers have actually driven several miles before waking up. Other notable activities people have engaged in while asleep include fixing the refrigerator, eating a cat food sandwich, having sex, buttering cigarettes, riding horses, and killing people.

For example, in 1999, a guy accused of murdering his wife insisted that he was sleepwalking during the killing and had no idea what he was doing. He claimed he was trying to fix the pool pump in his sleep, and got a little carried away. The jury heard testimony about how he'd stabbed her, drug her to the swimming pool, held her head underwater, washed his hands, bandaged a small cut, changed his clothes, and hidden his bloody clothing and the murder weapon in a Tupperware container, which he'd stashed in the wheel well of his car. After considering all of the evidence, the jury ordered several family-sized pizzas. When they were full, they threw his pump-fixing ass in jail.

Sincerely,
Nicole


Dear Nicole,

I have been friends with this girl for over ten years, very good friends at that. I am happily married for over six years with kid. I have recently had feelings for this friend of mine and told her about it. No strings attached sex that's all. Since we are both extremely analytical about everything, we both decided that it would be a lot of fun and exciting, but the consequences would be terrible if found out. We are still great friends. My question to you is this, do you think that our friendship can be hurt because we talked about something like that? I really hope not.

-Corbex

Dear Corbex,

So let me get this straight…. You're contemplating adultery, and your biggest concern is how it might affect your “friendship” with your would-be lover? Oh, please, please tell me you're kidding. The real question is, will your wife realize she's married to a narcissistic jackass before or after you're arrested for public intoxication, insurance fraud, and impersonating a zookeeper? Tune in next week to find out!

Sincerely,
Nicole

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.