>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
August 8, 2007

Act I, Scene 1:

[enter First Citizen, as King Xavier sits on throne]

King Xavier: My servant, bring you good word?

First Citizen: Yes, my lord.

King Xavier: Do you speak it freely?

First Citizen: Yes, my lord. [To audience:] I fail in the straight-faced arts. Hysterics consume mine innards now yet for my life I mustn't dispose of such hilarity to a fool such! A fear, I have, to live!

King Xavier: Dost thou call me a fool, boy? Answerth or be posed like the hound that hunts, bended over in lay, that I may insert myself into thou good hole that I so desireth!

First Citizen: My lord, the Archduke of Sodomy hast arrived.

King Xavier: Ah! Yes! How didst we become so very fortunate?!

First Citizen: …upon thou cry of last night, my lord.

King Xavier: Twas this very nigh?

First Citizen: The night of last, my lord?

“Rest assur'd that mine negro prostate go not unswell'd whilst you seek the end of mine intestinal track!”

King Xavier: Yes, servant! Answer!

First Citizen: No, my lord, twas a fortnight pause Sabbath… duh.

King Xavier: Ah, if ever I say such, I doth remember not. Still, mine asshole tingles in anticipatory thoughts of such a strapping man.

First Citizen: I taketh it that he shallst enterth thou quarters promptly then?

King Xavier: Forthright!

First Citizen: Yes, yes, my lord, I shalt bringth him forthright, as you say.

[exit First Citizen]

King Xavier: So! Yes! I moveth to thy full-length mirror to admire it, myself. I winketh at mine grin and grineth at mine wink! I thinketh “I dost sexy for a black beast, a monkey of sorts. I speaketh well for a black man too!” This, I say to mineself and mineself be false, yet I fakethit! Still! I decideth that a few dozen overly-complicated high-fives are best for such occasions of delight!

[enter Hamster]

Hamster: Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

King Xavier: Ah, yes! No animal as masterly as he! As well of glib and slippery creatures that enter mine asshole of lube! I shall callest you “Freddy Mercury” and command that you tread upon mine insides.

Hamster: Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

King Xavier: Say you no more than “Chirp?!”


King Xavier: Fie! Enter mine body with fullest of force dear creature! I have not long to wait until the archduke presents himself to slew mine anal elasticity! Thou will be a most great surprise for such a heinous, smelly deed!

Hamster: Chirp.

[Hamster enters King Xavier's anal cavity]

King Xavier: O!

Hamster: Mumble. Mumble. Chirp.

King Xavier: O! Sir Freddie Mercury! A right fair mark that! Move to left! Yes! O! Another tickle in this vast and gloomy forest the people callest mine buttocks!

Hamster: Mumble. Chirp. Mumble.

King Xavier: Thou are talent in form of hair and claw and scurry! I rest assur'd that mine negro prostate go not unswell'd whilst you seek the end of mine intestinal track! O! But this? A sound from mine entrance?

[enter First Citizen, followed by Archduke of Sodomy]

First Citizen: My lord, I presenth the Archduke of Sodomy: Lord of his country's bowels out. He do break the souls of the men youngest and rimjob as a crastsman excels in steel!

Hamster: Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

Archduke: Poor prattler. What majesty is such sound?

King Xavier: …uh… naught.

Archduke: This instance, I forget. For you, dear king, hast in his duty and obedience, summoned me to some business?

King Xavier: Allow me duly to confort thy “business.” As such “business” is… [laugh]

First Citizen: [to audience] Such innuendo sickens even most fond of issue. [gags]

Archduke: Breed you with me? Hah!

King Xavier: What mean you, sir?

Archduke: Clever and witty not. Ugly and colored of purple, indeed!

King Xavier: I fear that am I never such good! [swoons]

First Citizen: Dearest king, take not such foul sentiment! Pride and stress shallt kill you, given. You, sex shall be had! [To audience] Which first, perchance, it should be well-favour'd to any man to flee from these chambers before such an act place takes. [begins to exit]

King Xavier: Citizen! Halt! Before thou exit… summon mine bravest guard, twenty minutes to this instance!

First Citizen: Yes, my lord.

[Exit First Citizen]

Hamster: Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

Archduke: To the point, then, King! This sound of Chirp seizes mine fearless body and cleaves an urge to be sudden in exiting!

King Xavier: Come, then, let's away!

Act I, Scene 2:

[Enter Guard and Second Citizen]

Second Citizen: Guard! For what carry you at such hour?!

Guard: Give ear, sir.

Second Citizen: At your choice, I shall.

Guard: The king–

Second Citizen: The king?! Dead is he? Great life, a kingdom free of bitter homosexual slavery!

Guard: No, thou impertinent snipe!

Second Citizen: Then what?

Guard: The king marketh this poor soul with violence.

Second Citizen: His name?

Guard: Trogdore. Michael.

Second Citizen: And his title?

Guard: The Archduke of Sodomy!

Second Citizen: O!

Guard: Now, it is I who requir'd be to drag such a seeming knave to the moors for disposal!

Second Citizen: I cannot speak enough of this sadness…heh.

Guard: ‘Tis truly “sad.” Hah-ha!

Second Citizen: No blame be to you, sir. Move along then.

Guard: He well may be a stranger to the court's unseemly ways.

Second Citizen: Doubtful am I of this.

Guard: True. Thrice the young king hath finger this body of death.

Second Citizen: Greatly disturbing.

Guard: Hah! Twas specificity of such fingering-place mine ally in mine description?

Second Citizen: This I care not to know!

[the body of The Archduke falls out onto the street]

Guard: Blood! O!

Second Citizen: Kill us this horrid king, too!

Guard: Agree are most of his kingdom!

Act II, Scene 1:

[Enter Courtus, King Xavier sitting on his throne]

Courtus: Mine lord, thou hast summoned me?

King Xavier: Tis true, old Courtus.

Courtus: I beseech, then, to grace thy air with thou qualms and put end to the weeping of such fool's folly. [To the audience:] Whatever removeth this putrid smell from thy air!

King Xavier: Heard you of the Archduke of Sodomy, Courtus?

Courtus: But of course, my young king. All browned tongues of the kingdom speak of him.

King Xavier: What say mine kingdom?

Courtus: His love is unmatched to the kind of yours.

King Xavier: Mean you the “kind” of “kind kings?”

Courtus: …uh… yes. [To the audience:] Truly, I speak of the habit of monstrous villainy: a sly dotage upon, not the brain, but upon the ass's frail tissue!

King Xavier: Alas! This “kind king” hast not loved such man for so long that he be so short in his loving!

Courtus: Happened the archduke to pump only thrice?

King Xavier: Once, only. [swoons]

Courtus: This grave rashness, for reasons what? [To the audience:] My ears shall be struck off, that I may hear this rant never again!

King Xavier: No reason that I familiar be.

Courtus: My lord, ne'er feel you this way before about a man…aside from the poet Gaudios, who rejected you… as he was not… of your…ilk.

King Xavier: True you are, my dear, old Courtus! I have not loved a man since!

Courtus: You are eaten up with passion once more, tis all!

King Xavier: No! This time, no!

Courtus: Then what be it! Poison or fire or… uh… the truest love?

King Xavier: Something.

Courtus: Something, my king?

King Xavier: Something is rotten in the state of mine ass.

Courtus: Indeed this is true, my lord. Noticed I this odor upon entering your chamber.

King Xavier: [swoons] Ah! My kingdom! My kingdom for a douche!

[enter Sir Nathan]

Sir Nathan: A smell. Weary, stale… pull curtains aside for we soon suffocated be!

King Xavier: A hamster hast caused such odor, dear Sir Nathan.

Sir Nathan: [to Courtus] A hamster?

Courtus: A hamster, my lord?

King Xavier: Surnamed Mercury.

Courtus and Sir Nathan: We understand not, my lord.

King Xavier: O heavy day!

Sir Nathan: Explain, my lord, we implore!

King Xavier: Never shall I! [kills himself]

Courtus: O! Nothing in love!

Sir Nathan: [grabbing the head of the king] Goodnight, sweet king, and may flocks of fried chicken cluck thee to thy eternal welfare office.

[enter Second Citizen and Guard, armed]

Second Citizen: Wait you both! Mourn not!

Guard: Indeed! This “noble” king, before such self-reproach hast slay the Archduke of Sodomy!

Courtus: Then… Faith! All things good! Both soulless creatures dead be!

Second Citizen: Yes! O! Yes!

Sir Nathan: Free are we of such constant, horrid smell!

Guard: Free are we of such negroid tyranny! Let us kill them all!

Act II, Scene 2:

[After a long battle against Blacks, the Whites are victorious]

Second Citizen: Free are we of black people!

All: Hah!

Courtus: Let us enjoy the alley darkest! Let us enjoy the empty buffet! Let us enjoy transportation of public with little fear of death! Let us enjoy radio free of rap!

Sir Nathan: But wait! …Fie! Fie!

All: Melancholy, thou are, sir Nathan?

Sir Nathan: Yes! Mine bet of last was placed on the Knicks!

All: Hahahaha!

Act II, Scene 3:

[enter Chris Phelan]

Chris Phelan: Now where did my fucking hamster go?!


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