>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
February 22, 2006

Disclaimer: The following “Idiot’s Guide to Woman Management” is a sarcastic anecdote intended solely for enjoyment purposes. The author of this essay, while having slanderous intentions, must remind you that by abiding by the rules in the following article, men may be subject to any of the following: injury to the groin area, restriction orders, towing at the owner’s expense, sudden loss of clothing/hair, ostracism, lack of sexual activity, nose bleeds, violent diarrhea, legal indictment, death by impalement or le guillotine, or at minimum, divorce.

Before you begin reading, notify your local law enforcement agency, grab a beer, and tell your girlfriend, wife or concubine to get the fuck outta the room.

You’re doing man stuff now.

Haiku for the Ladies

If I may say so
You're all insane and lucky
that you have a twat

An Idiot’s Guide to Woman Management

“Before the end of the date, you must create dowry arrangements. Her attractiveness is in indirect proportion to the amount of cows or pigs you receive.”

Throughout all of his existence, man has longed to understand the ways of the universe. Out of all of the time and energy spent trying to unlock mysteries of God and universe, it was not until recently that I have been able to figure out an especially intricate riddle: the woman. Why are you so fortunate, you ask? Good question.

It was not by divine intervention or some fancy hypnosis. No, I have devoted the last twenty years of my life to studying the woman. I have poured over magazine articles, slept with many women, and even observed them in their natural habitat: the shopping mall. Through a rigorous trial-and-error process, I studied many a woman and came to find how their mind works (or doesn’t work). By understanding a woman’s psyche, I now have the ability to know what they want, something previously deemed impossible. As a result of these years of study and perseverance, I devised the following detailed strategy of attracting, capturing, handling, and taming the elusive beast…ahem, woman.

Part I: What Women Really Want is Money and a Big Dick

If you go to any public event, you’ll see an unattractive man with a beautiful woman just about everywhere you look. Why does this happen? Do these men know something all men don’t? No, you see, there is only one reason: these men have a great deal of money. Parallel your finances with an artery. In this metaphor, then, women are comparable to blood-sucking vampire bats that can never have enough blood until your vein is dry, your heart stopped, your body rotted and decayed, and your agony has seeped into every crevice of your soul.

Well, back to the point. The men that best make it known that they have money are the most successful with women. The optimum way to do that is to grab a hundred-dollar billand wipe it over your suit. The bill produces an irresistible scent that will attract even married women.

Besides money, the most influential elements in enticing a female are a big dick and hygiene. You either have a big dick or you don’t. If you don’t, I don’t know what to tell you. Make more money, I guess? Hygiene, however, you can control. It encompasses everything from the way your hair looks, down to your toenails; remember that all aspects are important. Although your hair and your toenails may be of different colors and shapes, there is a constant you can use while grooming your appearance: Be. Masculine. Approaches to appearance include the lumberjack, the pirate (yar!), and the retired rock star look. These appeal to most females because, generally, women prefer hairy, unorganized men. A neat, well-shaven man looks exceedingly feminine and essentially the woman thinks that he is unable to control her.

Important: Do not spend more than two minutes a day on your physical appearance; after all, it is a woman’s moral obligation (as the Bible states) to look good for you. If you are unable to abide by the two-minute rule, buy a fucking stopwatch. As long as you abide by this rule, urinate on trees, or have an abundant amount of money, you should attract any woman within a 5-mile radius, even with a small penis.

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a tad. Money, a big donkey dick, and hygiene can only get you so far. There are, of course, several other aspects you must perfect in order to attract a woman. Your vocabulary is important. For instance, a proper greeting for a woman would be: “Hey bitch, let’s go back to my pad and I’ll oil you up while I procreate all over your face?” Notice the word “procreate.” That’s a twenty-five cent word! And guess what. Women are impressed with anything over a nickel. Bear in mind that different women expect different amounts of intelligence. Generally, however, impressing a woman is as easy as talking about lawn care, things you find wrong with her appearance, or a golf match.

Part II: Let’s Get You a Date, Ugly

Now that you have a woman-pleasing appearance, money in your pocket, and the correct aura about yourself, it’s time to ask that special lady on a date. I suggest “stalking” your prey for several nights to find out her routine. You see, you’re essentially trying to find a time that makes it seem like serendipity. Women have been brainwashed from the womb by Disney, Shakespeare, and Sex in the City, you see, and if you go up asking “What’s your sign?” she’ll kick you right in the Scorpio.

In the process of “stalking” her, I recommend that you look for a few things before you ask. The premium time to ask a woman is when she is surrounded in a public place and a rejection would embarrass her more than you. Another excellent time would be if she were emotionally distraught. You’re probably asking, “When is that, Nick?”

To which I would say, “Hahahaha. Motherfucker, don’t be stupid. This happens several times throughout a normal day and should not be too hard to spot.” It is important to notice running mascara, rosy cheeks, a temper tantrum, or sand falling from the vagina like an hour glass. DO NOT proceed until at least two of these signs are indicated. The woman could simply be menstruating.

So you successfully backed her into a corner or appeared “magically” like Prince Charming, Romeo, or John Travolta, and got yourself a date. Now, on this first date, you must set the tone of your relationship. A woman can be fierce, manipulative game, and you must know a few facts to subdue one. First, you must understand that by agreeing to a date with you, she’s given you legal consent of ownership. She’s yours buddy. For the rest of her life. Your will is her way. Yes, it may seem harsh, but women need discipline in order to be happy. And, really, think about it: If you were a woman, how could you be happy without a stern, arbitrary man to woo you?

And this brings me to my next point. You see, my lucky friend, there are two different approaches when one wants to woo a woman. One, you must talk about yourself as much as possible. Most women love to be humored by a man; after all, men live much more exciting lives than women do. Honestly, would you like to listen to a woman talk about cooking, cleaning, or other womanly duties? Of course not! Women are only interested in the ways of men. Also, on the other end of the spectrum, women love to sit and eat in silence as well. You must act as introverted as possible. This technique works well because it allows the woman to confuse herself by trying to conceive what you, a more advanced, intelligent being is thinking. Are you developing a scheme to seduce her or to cure cancer? Are you thinking about what color panties she’s wearing or if the au gratin potatoes are good? Why are you knitting your brow? Do you think she’s fat? She’ll never know. And because of this, you’ll have stunned her just long enough to fuck her. Though, I have to warn you, this approach is somewhat risky because women must be entertained, like…a small child, or…a puppy. For the same reason, you must spank your woman if she becomes disorderly for the purpose of sufficient training. Such offenses warranting spanking include speaking without permission, not cleaning up after you, and yawning. (Remember, it’s legal if there are no witnesses.)

There are a few things that I require before the end of the date. First, you must speak with her father and create dowry arrangements. Be sure to remember that the attractiveness of the woman is in indirect proportion to the amount of cows or pigs you receive. For example, if the woman is a “4 out of 10” you should require six cows and six pigs, and if she is a “9 out of 10” you should only ask for a cow and pig. Also, be sure to introduce the woman to your stove and washing machine. Think of it as an introduction to her new friends. Friends that she’ll have for the rest of her life. This can be done before you sign the dowry agreement with her father. After all, you want to know the variety of meals she can cook and her ability to operate your washing machine.

Part III: Keep that Bitch Around, Son

After the first date, you are now ready for marriage. During this time it is essential that you treat your woman like you would deal with an unwanted house pest. Just as you would use various tactics and appliances to remove a mouse, you must use an assortment of devices to keep your woman around. Your dominance must not be compromised.

However, there is an unavoidable situation, when a man’s dominance is challenged. This happens twelve times a year for about a week. Scientists term this period, “Menstruation.” Yes, it’s an odd term. At first, I had no idea what it meant. But if we separate the parts of the word we see “Men-” (English for “men”) and “-struation” (Latin for “must die”). It can’t get much more blatant than that, folks.

I suggest keeping a bottle of Midol, flame retardant wear, a flask of chloroform, grenades, kitty litter, batteries, duct tape, and a suicide pill in the back of your car for this time. You may want to visit friends or family during this period, or sleep in your car. Building a Menstruation Shelter is also recommended.

Throughout your marriage, encourage your wife to participate in Tupperware parties. It allows her time to roam about the neighborhood and is a great way to keep your food crisp and fresh. Remember that women are like Saran Wrap: useful, but clingy; and men are like Tupperware: strong, but belching. Be sure to discourage a Tupperware party at your house—one woman is tough enough to monitor. Even if your wife really desires this, bear in mind that sometimes it is best that you do not fulfill a woman’s desires and instead push her away emotionally. This may seem incorrect, but generally, a woman enjoys being mistreated. Slanderous insults should be your main conversational pieces. Examples include “worthless slut,” “complete failure,” or even, “I could do so much better than you.” Never say anything polite, pleasant, or sympathetic, for these words may be mistaken by the woman. She may think you are treating her as though she is your equal—an even more humorous notion.