"Dying's not so bad. It's just nature's way of telling you that you're not alive anymore."
-Bull Shannon
The older I get, the more I really appreciate food. And there's something about a nice, scalding, 2000 degree, wet-ass Florida summer to make a man really appreciate a slice of watermelon with his barbecued chicken. There's just something about summer that gets the mouth watering. Maybe it's all the half-naked chicks. Maybe it's one of those genetic things that ties to my agrarian roots. Maybe it's ‘cause in the summer I drink more than usual in an effort to keep my mind from thinking about exactly how sweaty my ball sack is here in this chunk of swampland-meets-the-sea I call home. At any rate, the ice cream truck driver in my neighborhood knows my name and, as he says, "Everyone likes ice cream. It don't mean you're weird."
The Billy Club is a club sandwich made with items you find around your kitchen, which damn well better be OxiClean.And this summer, well it's been a little strange. Lots of celebrities have died. Hell, so many have passed away in the last week that I'm pretty sure death is now the trendy thing to do in LA. Oh Paris Hilton, please don't ever stop being trendy.
So in the interest of justifying another piece of writing, I decided to make some foods that were inspired by recent celebrities and their deaths. I know what you're thinking: "How does a guy that good looking have this kind of free time?" And the truth is that if you've got time to get a blowjob, you've got time to think up foods that emulate dead people. In fact, I don't think I've ever typed truer words.
On to the foods, party people.
The Ed McMahonwich
In honor of a true patriot, a wartime pilot, a lifelong entertainer, and the chubbiest second fiddle in the history of kicking sides, I offer the world the McMahonwich, which is a very unique and hearty sandwich. The McMahonwich is basically a sandwich dessert. You take a slice of apple pie (he really was a great American) and you cut up bananas and cover both sides of the pie (‘cause he was a second banana—I'm so fucking witty), then you cover both sides with chocolate syrup, use glazed donuts as the bread and voila, you have one of the more fattening and unnecessary concoctions ever.
The McMahonwich is just like the man for whom it is named: it is fat, unnecessary, and just totally freaking awesome.
Charlie's Angel Food Cake
In honor of one smoking hot sister, Farrah Fawcett, I offer the world an angel food cake unlike any other angel food cake. Because, you see, this angel food cake, instead of requiring orange extract, actually requires orange liqueur—and a shitload of it. Also, this cake comes with a chocolate cake and a carrot cake, you know, in case you don't feel like settling for one cake flavor. Man, that cake had great legs…
Seed-In Brownies
Lost in all the hoopla about all these dead celebrities was the death of lesser known celebrity: Sky Saxon. Sky Saxon was the lead singer of The Seeds, which was a band I heard one of my buddies' dads play on a phonograph when I was growing up in St. Louis. In honor of Sky, we're baking pot brownies and you know we'll be grinding up all the seeds and putting them to use.
Neverham Salad
In honor of the abused singer who grew up to be one of the richest and weirdest pop stars in history, I offer up the Neverham Salad, which is actually easier to make than you might think. First, you take half a pound of ham and beat the ever loving crap out of it, then you mix romaine lettuce with fresh spinach, add peppers, and use a very creamy, very white ranch dressing to top it all off.
(Note: I obviously don't have the energy to regurgitate another joke about 12-year-old meat on 50-year-old buns—you're welcome.)
When completed, the smooth white dressing should cover almost every inch of color in your salad bowl.
The Billy Club
In honor of pitchman Billy Mays, I offer up The Billy Club, which is essentially a club sandwich made with items that you find around your kitchen, which damn well better be OxiClean.
Air Ribs
In honor of one of the tougher quarterbacks in recent memory, Steve McNair, y'all can get ready to sink your teeth into the Air Ribs. Basically, the Air Ribs are baby back ribs marinated in that special Memphis BBQ Sauce (heavy on the molasses, thank you very much). During the barbecuing process, you must poke five or six holes into each slab of ribs, then cook them until they're almost burnt (these ribs are tough, dammit).
Food is awesome. I don't think I could say enough about it. And no one can say enough about dead celebrities. That's why I combined the two.
So the next time you feel like honoring a dead celebrity by cooking a chunk of food in their memory, please remember: you're probably pretty fucking strange.
And we should probably hang out.