>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
January 23, 2005

After analyzing the target audience for The Hard Way, Court and I realized that it had an inherent weakness with the 18-24 male demographic. After sitting me on his knee, Court explained that we only had a few options. A. Start emulating one of the more masculine writers such as Justin, Beech, or Nicole, or B. Give the readers some nice ass shots. It will soon be apparent as to which choice I made (although I can't say I concur with the assumption that it will attract more men to my column).

However, I now present to you the most masculine column about clothes ever written. Don't let the title confuse you, this guide is not about how sometimes you put your head in the arm hole or nonsense like that. I'm constantly getting dressed in the wee hours before class (the wee hours being the eternity spent pissing when I get up, because I drank a whole liter of Dr. Pepper). With that in mind, I'm surprised I don't run into even more clothing calamities. Namely, mismatched colors, too few or too many layers, and accidentally wearing girls' panties…

Because they're strewn about the floor in my dorm…

Because I stole them.

But here's where it all went wrong.

Coming Out of the Closet

Let's face it, anytime a guy spends more than 30 seconds picking his wardrobe, he begins to doubt his sexuality. That's a lot of pressure. Sometimes it can be very frustrating. On one hand you've got to conform to some sense of style, on the other you've got to leave at least one flaw in your wardrobe or risk losing your manhood—kinda ironic considering all this getting dressed business was meant to hide your manhood in the first place. Some famous cases of intentional flaws include tilting the cap backwards, flipping the collar up, and holing up the knees. Some famous unintentional flaws include overalls, wearing the exact same shirt as that guy over there, and unbuckling your pants in front of a lady…or at least you'll tell the police as much. Now and then there will be a BIG FAD that everyone goes nuts over, such as shirts that make innuendo based on state names. I say just wait it out a little bit. Because if you really think about it, Big Fad is only one letter away from BIG FAG, and that letter is D, as in Dad Disowns you for dressing like a Fairy. However if you're like me you'll ignore all that pansy crap and wear nothing but animal skins, fresh ones. All I have to worry about is not wearing polar bear after Labor Day and being careful when I wash my vintage Moose skin ringer.

And watching out for the claws when covering my junk.

Aww Man…nequin

Another hitch in my clothing situation is ensuring that the same clothes I have in the dressing room never leave my sight until the day I eventually wear them. This is necessary or else some mischievous pants elf will swap them out with a bastardized deformity of what I really wanted. How else do you explain the discrepancy between how you look in the dressing room and how you look right now…slob? Or perhaps it's just the lighting and mirrors that make you appear sexier. In that 4′ X 4′ cell, you are a sexual god. Get a girl in there and you'll have one insanely cramped love session made slightly less pleasurable by the fact that those tags are so damn itchy. Okay I lied, the only action that goes on in there is lonely people posing and practicing pick-up lines on themselves. But those rooms ARE magical. Every time I try on a pair of pants in there they fit perfectly, but later at home they're falling down to my ankles…

Because some girl is yanking them down…

Because I stole them along with her panties.

Hunting for clothes is much like hunting for animals…in fact, sometimes those animals become your clothes.

Pick your Clique

Another pitfall of choosing a style of clothing is the impression it leaves on others. Experimenting with your wardrobe is fun, just ask any teen girl magazine, but don't be surprised when you get some ugly names thrown at you merely because you changed your sock color. The worst of these is of course “Poser.” I kept correcting them saying I preferred “Nude Model” but that art class wouldn't listen. What a bunch of Goths! Anyways here's some outfits and some possible slurs.

Polo tucked into faded wash jeans – Prep! Frat Bitch!
Long sleeves under short sleeves, baggy pants – Sk8er! Punkass Liberal!
Highwaters, spectacles – NERD ALERT!
Flannel – Lesbian Lumberjack!

Anyways, I can't continue, it's the getting too painful remembering everyone yelling nerd alert at me…everyone in my family anyway. But I guess it was only on my birthdays so I should be grateful. Just be careful with your clothes people, and try to end these pointless fights:

(Nerdy Intellectual Girl and Party Frat Boy bump into each other)

Nerd Girl and Frat Boy (simultaneously): Watch it, Douchebag!
Nerd Girl: You can't use that word, that's what we call you thick-skulled Neanderthals.
Frat Boy: Whatever, we use it all the time to make fun of buzz-kill bookworms like you.
Nerd Girl: Well this is awkward. In all my social experiences I've never encountered this before.
Frat Boy: Wanna get wasted and make out?
Nerd Girl: You want to be my first?!

And now a quick joke...

“You’re the one,” he always said to his wife. “You’re the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn’t very good.