>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
July 28, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Filmmaker Moore, Talker O'Reilly Spar in Boston

Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore's already sizzling presence at the Democratic convention reached the boiling point Tuesday when he appeared on the Fox News cable network in a spirited debate with host Bill O'Reilly.

Well he wouldn't be a “controversial” filmmaker if only blind and deaf people saw his movies! I'M JUST SAYING!!!

Moore also came under fresh attack from Republican Party officials, who fired off a series of press releases in an effort to make Sen. John Kerry answer for some of Moore's most controversial opinions.

Mainly his stance on pepperoni pizza: Far too salty? Or just right?

Taped the day before, the Fox encounter was a verbal slugfest between the left-wing Moore and the right-wing O'Reilly. The two took shots at each other – passionately but not rudely – for 12 minutes on The O'Reilly Factor. It was perhaps the hottest face-off so far at a largely news-free and debate-free convention.

Ah yes, a hot passionate 12-minute face off where two sides take cumshots at each other. Sounds like a porno to me! (I know I added the word “cum” before shots, but work with me assholes.)

At one point O'Reilly accused Moore, director of the anti-Bush film Fahrenheit 9/11, of being Saddam Hussein “biggest defender in the media.”

Michael Moore is the biggest EVERYTHING in the media.

“That's insulting,” Moore said.

As he shoved a cream pie under his bearded chin fat.

O'Reilly repeatedly pressed Moore to apologize to the president for saying Bush lied to the nation about whether there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq before American troops entered that country.

When O'Reilly didn't respond to pressing, Moore went back to the passionate—but not rude—gentle stroking that seemed to work so well earlier, urging him to apologize for the inability of his anal cavity to provide enough pressure for O'Reilly's throbbing cock to excrete. (Jizm that is.) (White gold.) (Texas tea.)

“Actually it's President Bush that needs to apologize to the nation,” Moore said.

I'm sorry where were we, I'm still a little hot and bothered from the last paragraph.

After O'Reilly said the Bush administration made a mistake when it based the rationale for war in part on weapons of mass destruction, Moore got the host to agree that parents of American soldiers killed in Iraq shouldn't be satisfied with the explanation “we're sorry.”

Okay so they agreed to disagree, AND they agreed that they shouldn't be satisfied with the explanation “we're sorry”? If I wanted to hear two people agree I'd watch KUDLOW and KRAMER thank you very little.

The lightest moment of the exchange, ironically, came after Moore asked O'Reilly three times whether he would be willing to “sacrifice his child” to fight with U.S. forces in Iraq.

On the flip side, the heaviest moment came when Moore rode off on his patented elephant.

“I would sacrifice myself,” O'Reilly said.

As he unsheathed his sword and drew it towards his abdomen. “NO WAIT!” Moore cried, “I was totally kidding! Stop!”

“Can we sign him up? Can we sign him up right now?” Moore shouted with glee. “Where's the recruiter?”

O'Reilly then answered his three questions in rapid succession “Yes, no, there.”

“You'd love to get rid of me,” said O'Reilly.

“Wouldn't you fatty. Wouldn't you!” O'Reilly muttered playfully, slapping Moore across the head.

“No,” Moore said, his voice softening. “I want you to live. I want you to live.”

Moore then leaned in, closing his eyes and puckering his lips. Inches away from O'Reilly's head he instantly regained consciousness and seemed bewildered to say the least.

Moore, who had appeared on The O'Reilly Factor twice before, and the host have been sparring from afar for months. O'Reilly had accused Moore of “ducking me” by refusing to appear on the show after the host started to hammer Fahrenheit 9/11.

According the urban dictionary “ducking” also means “shitting on one's chest and rubbing it all around like Vick's VapoRub. See also: Cleveland Steamer, Turkish Jacuzzi Suit.”

Moore said he wouldn't appear until O'Reilly saw the whole film. O'Reilly left a preview of the movie halfway through. He said the movie started late and he had to get to another commitment.

Unfortunately, O'Reilly still ended up missing the previews for Shrek 2, causing him to have to cancel his show with Mike Myers. According to his wife, O'Reilly has “never been very good at finishing….Shrek 2.”

O'Reilly said Tuesday that he saw the movie soon after it arrived in theatres last month.

He said it wasn't as good as “Saving Private Ryan,” to which Moore replied, “Well if it wasn't for President Bush, maybe Private Ryan would've been at home eating chips and dip and ice cream by himself like the rest of us.”

The Moore appearance on the show happened because the host saw the filmmaker walking down a Boston street. “We were driving by and I said ‘stop the car,'” O'Reilly said Tuesday. “I jump out and go cantering across the street shouting at him. It was all arranged in an hour.”

“Our children were to be wed by the FIFTH FULL MOON OF THE NEW YEAR!” O'Reilly said, shrieking an traditional Native American tribal chant.

Moore said when he saw O'Reilly on Monday he asked the host three questions about the second half of Fahrenheit 9/11. “He flunked all three,” Moore said Tuesday. “Then he said he went to the movie with his wife, who loved it. When he brought in his wife, I said, ‘OK, that's enough.' So I did the show.”

Firstly, you can't flunk individual questions Michael Moore, you can only flunk tests as a whole. Secondly, where did you get that Big Grab bag of Funions?

Also Tuesday, the Republican National Committee put out five press releases under the headline “Moore questions about the heart and soul of Senator Kerry's campaign.” On the GOP's Web site, the releases were packaged with a photo of Moore at the Democratic convention Monday night, sitting with former president Carter. The aim: to embarrass the Kerry campaign by spotlighting some of Moore's more controversial opinions.

When that failed, they just tagged Kerry's car. *Shot of Kerry walking up to his Rav4, giant spray-painted letters “H O M O”. Kerry just looks dejected and says “Okay, who did this?!”*

One quoted Moore writing that “‘The Iraqis who have risen up against the occupation are not “insurgents” or “terrorists” or “The Enemy.” They are the REVOLUTION, the Minutemen, and their numbers will grow – and they will win.”

Can you imagine the schoolhouse rock video about THAT revolution. I think it would go a little something…like this. *Puts on tophat, takes harmonica out of pocket, plays one note, harmonica breaks, walks off screen defeated.*

A Kerry spokesman, Chad Clanton, said in an e-mail statement that “We're bogged down in Iraq, health care costshave gone sky high and people's paychecks are shrinking. And the Bush campaign wants to talk about movies? No wonder Bush and Cheney have lost credibility with the American people.”

Chad Clanton sounds like the name Bill Clinton uses when he's making prank calls. “That's right, 12 LARGE ANCHOVY PIZZAS to the White House *Muffled giggles* My name? Oh ummm… its… Chad… umm… Clanton. That's right, CHAD CLANTON!”

Moore said “the more they do those things the larger the turnout will be for Kerry in November.”

Well sometimes less is Moore! (I know that doesn't make sense, but it's a fine, fine pun.)

Today, Moore will go to Crawford, Texas, where Bush has his ranch. He has invited the president to a screening of Fahrenheit 9/11.

Tomorrow, Moore will visit an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet and ask for his omelet “egg whites only” because he believes his cholesterol level to be in the Orange Alert level.