>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
May 16, 2004

If you know me, then you know what a raging success I am. Seriously, Donald Trump ain't got shit on me. I do everything right. Nothing I do is ever wrong. I am a jack of all trades, a Renaissance man, a master of my domain. And best of all, I'm humble. Now, I shall impart some of my wisdom to you.

In fewer than five steps, here's how to:

Be good at basketball:
1. Be black.

Get rich quick:
1. Have consensual, legal sex with an NBA player.
2. Sue him for rape.
3. Become a Spurs fan.

Get into any bar or club:
1. Be 21.
2. Have huge tits.

Get rid of a stain:
1. Club soda, unless it's jizz. If it's jizz, don't get rid of it. That's a trophy!

Be funny:
1. Read my column.

Speak French:
1. Be born in France.

Speak Italian:
1. Be born in Italy.

Speak Spanish:
1. Be born in Spain.

Run a joke into the ground:
1. See above.

Get any girl you want:
1. Have money.
2. Be a raging asshole.

Kill yourself:
1. Find a tall building.
2. Jump.
3. Don't sue me because this column is strictly for comic purposes and is not a serious how-to guide, and thus, should not be held legally responsible for your suggestive nature.

Castrate yourself:
1. Rent Grease.
2. Watch Grease.
3. Rinse and repeat, until it works.

Kick anyone's ass:
1. Buy a gun.
2. Shoot it. You can't lose!

Play the guitar:
1. Buy a guitar.
2. Watch the instructional DVD.
3. Break the guitar because you have no musical talent.
4. Tell everyone you know how to play, because, seriously, how are they gonna know?

Get on TV:
1. Get a lobotomy.
2. Call FOX.

Get people to notice you:
1. Set yourself on fire. (Sheeeit, I'd pay attention to that.)

Have a great self esteem:
1. Buy 24 beers.
2. Drink them all.

1. Don't be a girl.
2. Ummm, that's about it.

Appear really smart:
1. Read the Good Will Hunting screenplay.
2. Plagiarize away!

Pee standing up:
1. Why bother? Sitting's much easier.

Perform surgery:
1. Buy the OPERATION board game.
2. Practice. Really, the human body's a lot like that. Buzzing nose and all.

Combat writer's block:
1. Think up the stupidest, easiest-to-write idea you can.
2. Run the joke into the ground hardcore.
3. Smile contently.
4. Go take a shit. Well done!