>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
December 7, 2003

“There is a love that transcends time and age.
An ageless fantasy of passion and change.
The epic struggle of one man's obsession and one woman's beauty.

From the Director of REMAINS OF THE DAY…

BANGING HILARY DUFF: THE MOVIE!
Opens this spring at a theater near you.”

I love Hilary Duff, with all of my heart. I first saw Hilary in a commercial while I was watching my favorite show—BOY MEETS WORLD. It was a good episode, Cory and Shawn were locked in a homosexual embrace, and Mr. Feeny solved their romantic woes, then sodomized them. I think it was a two-parter.

For those who don't know-Hilary is the star of Lizzie Maguire, one of those shows that spawn hot pink Trapper Keepers bearing Ms. Duff's likeness. When I first saw her, I couldn't believe it, such beauty. Those eyes, those lips, that chest just waiting to be urinated on by R. Kelly.

It was then that I realized that Hilary, my goddess, was 16. Now, I am very much against May-December romances like a 20 yr old and a 16 yr old, but surely Hilary was the exception to the rule. Right? RIGHT?!

How much do I love Hilary Duff? I've watched the Lizzie Maguire Movie on stolen PayPerView 3 times, and I'm considering buying the DVD on the off-chance there's an explicit deleted scene involving Hilary, a bubble bath, and the Divinyls.

I actually get turned on by her music. Just to clarify, Hilary Duff's music makes Aaron Carter sound like Bruce Springsteen. It's awful, imagine they recorded Britney Spears at the gyno when the forceps were a mite cold—that's what it sounds like. I don't care. If my roommates are reading this, and ever hear “SO YESTERDAY” emanating from my walls, I am whacking off. Just trying to save you money on that blacklight, I know how inquisitive you guys can be.

So Hilary Duff is 16, I am 20. It doesn't seem like much of a divide. When I'm receiving my first AARP newsletter, she'll be hittin' menopause like a freight train into a boulder. But I love her, doesn't that count for something? Anything?

I just want to punch Freddie Muniz for not only getting the chance to make out with Hilary at the end of Agent Cody Banks (which also included Angie Harmon, setting up a 3 way of epic proportions), but screwing it up. Watch the movie. Doesn't the guy know how to kiss? Doesn't he have a dog to practice on? I mean—er—let's move on.

Please, Hilary, don't write me off as just another dirty old man who wants you—or because I haven't shaved in a week, smell like a Cape Verdean stripper, and prefer Disney Channel to Playboy Channel. I love you, and if there's a chance, just a chance, that beneath that gentle facade you feel some semblance of love for me, cherish it, open it up to me, because you will never know another love like this, at least not until you can get into R-rated movies.

Disclaimer: By reading the above, authorities have waived the right to arrest JD Rebello for his unholy, illegal fantasizing of a minor.

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