>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
December 21, 2003

History has been filled with great villains. Judas, Napoleon, Benedict Arnold, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Fran Drescher (those Old Navy commercials should be enough for an Orange Alert). But there is an evil out there still that must be dealt with, must be destroyed. One that has embattled the American psyche and all the morals and ideals we hold dear. Of course, I am talking about the New York Yankees.

How do I hate the Yankees? Let me count the ways.

1. I hate Steinbrenner, the Darth Vader of sports, who endlessly pours money into his team if god forbid they don't win the World Series every year. People love to credit the Yankees for filling their team with homegrown players from the farm team. And while that's true, let us not forget that most teams have decent farm systems, but the Yankees can afford to keep all of them even when they get really great. Steinbrenner has essentially destroyed baseball. That's all there is to it. He sees what he wants, pays a shitload, raises the prices of all the players, which in turn costs owners more, which in turn raises ticket prices, which in turn hurts the fan base, which in turn causes me to write rambling, run-on sentences.

2. I hate Derek Jeter. People like to call him the best shortstop who isn't name Alex. Cut the shit. Nomar is infinitely better than Jeter, OK? And Jeter is one of the biggest fags in the history of sport. He makes Kordell Stewart look like Jimmy Kimmel.

3. I hate Yankee fans…and their lame ass posturing. After September 11, I actually pissed Yankee fans off because I said I still didn't want the Yankees to win the World Series (and they didn't…God bless brand new Red Sox Curt Schilling). They called me unpatriotic and an asshole. Gimme a fuckin break, would ya please? I was as sympathetic toward the families and victims of Sept 11 as anyone else, but I find it hard to believe that a baseball game is going to justify anything for anyone. “Say honey, our son was needlessly murdered by a bunch of
fuckin' dimwits from the Middle East, but the Yankees won so I guess everything is OK.”

Now, I don't have a problem with all Yankees fans. If you were born in New York, fine, and by New York I mean around the Bronx area. Ok, fine, you can root for the Yankees. But if you were born in Massachusetts, don't give me this shit that you were always a big Don Mattingly fan and so you root for the Yankees. 90% of Yankees fans are full of shit, bandwagon douchebags. Same with Red Wings, Cowboys, Steelers, Raiders, and Lakers fans who aren't from that city or area.

Now, I know a thing or two about bandwagons. During the recent Red Sox playoff run, which ended brutally thanks to a conspiracy conjured up by Fox Sports (they got Bret Boone to be a broadcast analyst, and his little brother Aaron hit the series-ending home run, come on now), a lot of people in the greater Boston area adapted the “COWBOY UP” mantra made famous by Kevin Millar, a player I like, but who is not going to be confused with Jim Rice anytime soon. It comes down to this, if you say COWBOY UP, you're a bandwagon retard, and obviously hardly know that the Red Sox are a baseball team.

I'm also getting sick of people telling me Fenway Park sucks. Yes, it's small. Yes, it's uncomfortable. But if you give a rat's ass about history, then you gotta love it. Unlike other ballparks with jacuzzis near the bullpen and tennis courts out past the foul pole, Fenway is one of the true baseball stadiums to capably maintain the history it has encapsulated. Unlike Yankee Stadium, which felt the need to erect a veritable museum in its outfield to show people how many good players have come and gone. Apparently a giant statue of Steinbrenner masturbating is in the works for the 2004 season.

The only way to stop the Yankees is simple: write your local Senator of baseball club owner and demand a salary cap in baseball. Force the Yankees to play on the same level as everyone else and sodomizing the sport. Rich people ruin everything and devalue the sport and its fans. That's what the Yankees are doing, buying championships, giving photo-ops for Nicole Kidman to plug a movie by sitting in the stands, and making every other team in baseball have to take it up the ass to sign a free agent because the Yankees jack up the cost. With a salary cap, the Yankees couldn't do that, Steinbrenner wouldn't be such a tool, and we wouldn't have to listen to all that talk about how great the Yankees look.

And for all the Red Sox fans reading this who are sick of hearing “1918” thrown about, throw this back at them: Josh Beckett. Shuts 'em up awfully quick.

Peevin' Over Pinstripes, Part Deux >>