>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
November 21, 2003

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Jackson Booked in Child Molestation Case

By JEFF WILSON, Associated Press Writer

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. – Trailed by a phalanx of TV cameras, a handcuffed Michael Jackson ( news ) was booked on suspicion of child molestation Thursday after arriving by private jet to face charges that could finish off his already declining career and send him to prison for years.

I don’t know what a phalanx is, but it sounds mythological and scary!

The self-styled “King of Pop” immediately posted $3 million bail and waved to reporters and flashed a V-sign before leaving the Santa Barbara County jail in a black Suburban escorted by three sheriff's motorcycle officers.

Oh my god, he’s in a gang! The V is for, “Virgin 10 year old boys? No. not anymore.” It’s a tad bit long, but the point gets across baby.

“He's come back specifically to confront these chargeshead-on,” defense attorney Mark Geragos said. “He is greatly outraged by the bringing of these charges. He considers this to be a big lie.”

A bigger lie then the War in Iraq! Ohhhhh. Disssssss. Take that President Bush!

“Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons,” Jackson added in a statement issued by a spokesman. “The truth will win this marathon in court.”

Fucking poetic. Jackson later added, “I was right when I told you Billy Jean was not my lover and I am right again now!

With Jackson's riches and global fame, the advent of 24-hour cable news channels, and the rise of TV cameras in the courtroom, the allegations set the stage for what would be one of the most sensational celebrity court cases the world has ever seen.

Umm hello! Little boys got molested here and all you care about is TV Ratings? By the way, the over/under on the Nielson ratings is a 10 share, take your bets now.

Authorities released no details of the case beyond a warrant accusing the 45-year-old Jackson of multiple counts of lewd or lascivious acts with a child under 14, an offense punishable by three to eight years in prison.

Wow, what if after all these years Michael Jackson really did molest little boys. Boy wouldn’t his face be red… and still creepy-lookin.

But news reports have said the child was a 12- or 13-year-old boy who visited Jackson at his Neverland Ranch, a storybook playland where the singer was known to hold sleepovers for children and share his bed with youngsters.

Three words: L – O – L ! ! !!

Jackson's leased jet landed at Santa Barbara Municipal Airport and rolled its nose into a hangar before those aboard stepped out. A law enforcement convoy took him to the main county jail, where the handcuffed singer, wearing a black coat and pants with a white shirt and white tie, was escorted inside and booked for investigation of child molestation.

White shirt and a white tie? After labor day!? I smell a fashion faux pas mister! Oh wait no that’s just dried adolescent semen on your blazer.

Reporters swarmed the airport, the jail and sheriff's headquarters, awaiting Jackson's return.

Wait a minute, reporters aren’t thirteen year old German girls who sweat and faint. Reporters aren’t thirteen year old German girls… at all!

A demonstrator outside the jail, college student Cesar Mendoza, held a homemade sign reading “Moonwalk 2 jail.”


“I love his music, but I don't know if I can support him now. This is his second time. I can't believe him anymore,” said Mendoza, 22, of Isla Vista.

“So I made this sign to show him how much I want him to moonwalk to jail. I used the number two instead of the word because I ran out of space. Yah see? Right here?
No space.” Mendoza continued.

Jackson's brother Jermaine denounced the allegations in a CNN interview as “nothing but a modern-day lynching.”

Yah, and Mervy’s week before Christmas sale is a modern day Hanging. YOUR METAPHORS DON’T ADD UP JERMAINE!

The district attorney has said the youngster in the latest case is cooperating with investigators and has no plans to sue. He also said prosecutors could be helped by a law, passed since the earlier Jackson investigation, that was designed to keep civil suits from interfering with criminal cases.

They should have realized something was amiss when they saw the sign that said “Your parents must be THIS negligible to enter” With a cartoon giraffe indicating a point 40 feet high.

Even beyond the earlier molestation allegation, Jackson's unusual lifestyle has often drawn ridicule, occasionally outrage.


He has slept in a hyperbaric chamber, tried to buy the Elephant Man's bones, gone through a pair of quickie marriages that befuddled many, and utterly transformed his face through plastic surgery.

Yes, but who among us hasn’t tried to do the exact same thing! Open your eyes people!

His skin tone has changed from dark to a pale white, a change Jackson blames on vitiligo, a disorder marked by pigment loss.

Okay, that’s just made up.