Every now and again, I receive emails requesting romantic advice. I have written previously (and I've been on this site long enough to have written just about everything previously) that asking me for romantic advice is akin to asking a terrorist sniper how to shoot a gun. Sure, I can give the advice to you, but you'll probably get a little more than you asked for.

Man blowing cigarette smoke into a woman's face
Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere.
Anyway, some dude who calls himself Dave asked me how he can avoid falling into the dreaded "friend zone" with chicks. I have no female friends (excepting those who serve me drinks or those few wives/girlfriends of my male friends who don't hate every fiber of my being) so I had no idea what Dave was typing about. I replied to his email with my question, "The fuck is the friend zone?"

His response: "One enters the friend zone when one works on a girl too long and doesn't actually close the deal in a timely fashion. The woman comes to see the man as a friend and then claims that the two are too good of friends to date."

Hmm… never been there.

Be totally impassioned about your opinions and chicks won't have much use for you beyond your penis.So, as is my custom, I thought both long and hard about this topic, couldn't figure a damn thing out, then called an ex-girlfriend to figure out why I've never entered the friend zone. And so, without any more of that painful ado, I offer you four examples of my behavior that have kept me out of the dreaded friend zone according to one of my exes, who asked to be called Leticia for the purpose of this article (don't ask me why).

Everything is a Joke to Me

According to Leticia, girls want to confide in their friends, to be able to share their pain and suffering without being judged and receive sympathy or empathy for their troubled situations. I don't do any of that.

"You make jokes about any problems that aren't yours. It's like the whole damn world is just some comedy sketch you get to critique. And when not joking, it's obvious you aren't even listening."

So Dave, there's the first thing you need to do: stop giving a shit and start making jokes. Women may laugh, but they certainly will not come to you for advice.

I Get Way Too Worked Up

According to Leticia, one of the reasons that women even want male friends is because their female friends tend to get too dramatic about everything. Women want a male friend so they can gain rational perspective.

"You have tons of perspective," said Leticia. "And it's often interesting and sometimes well thought out, but your intensity about everything you say and do makes you scarier than a crazy chick sometimes."

(Wow, the things we learn about ourselves when talking to exes, eh?)

So Dave, there you go. Make sure that you are completely and totally impassioned about every one of your opinions and chicks won't have much use for you beyond your penis, which is really all they should be worrying about anyway, unless of course, they're cooking.

I Am Too Comfortable with Chick Nicknames

Leticia told me that most of the men who chicks consider friends refer to said chicks either by their names or, in the rare cases they use phrases like "babe," "baby," "sexy," "beautiful," and "cum dumpster" (to name a few), the male friends sound awkward.

"You will refer to a girl you met five minutes previously as ‘babe' and somehow manage to get her to like it. You're just too comfortable hitting on chicks to the point where you always seem like you're hitting on chicks even when you're not. That's why you scare off fat women, too, by the way. They recognize that you aren't using your stupid flirt language."

Dave, get comfortable sounding like a sexist pig. Apparently, it pays dividends. Who knew?

I Take Hotness for Granted

For this one, I'm going directly to Leticia:

"A lot of guys, well we can just tell that they're nervous and they want to fuck us but they just don't know how to approach us. It's cute kind of how little kids are cute but it is hardly a turn-on. When you see a cute girl, you look like a starving man who just saw a steak… but you definitely look like a man who knows how to order. You wear your intentions on your face and in your body language."

Huh? Well, I'll be damned.

In conclusion, if you want to avoid the friend zone, you need to be free of nervousness, comfortable calling chicks "babe," a little bit freaking crazy-intense and so self-involved that everyone else's problems are a comedy from which you are easily detached.

No need to thank me for this, I'm here to help.

Leticia, however, would like a few bucks.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.