Technology continues to amaze me. Every year, our society is introduced to a new device capable of "accidentally" taking another compromising picture. In fact, the technology has gotten so good that you don't even need to send the picture for it to end up online anymore! Celebrities have demonstrated, some on a weekly basis, that dozens of private, spread-eagle portraits can be exposed by shady "hackers." In times like these, even people like Scarlet Johansson can't count on the help of the FBI to catch these predators, so what are common peasants like you and I supposed to do to keep our genital gems guarded?

Camoflouge penis disguise knittingYour first line of defense is to disguise your unmentionables so that they can never be tied back to you. A short trip to the stag shop or your overly-friendly neighbor's garage will reveal a wide array of berets and ascots that can adorn your member and hide any telltale moles or battle scars. It's hard enough to identify a woman based on her beaver, doubly so if it's literally made to look like a beaver (complete with googly eyes, buck teeth, and a thick pelt).

Paint is a popular choice for masquerading your manhood, but it should be given the proper attention. Forget every rule you've heard about putting something on your wiener and stay away from latex. Your goal is to be flirty, and it's hard to do that when your urethra looks like Nikki Minaj's lips, so opt for body paint. You can even have fun with it using a theme: a Dragon Ball Z motif is popular with the fellas (dragon around the shaft, balls at the base), while females can opt for a drawing of the Taylor Swift concert experience (complete with an airbrushed stage on the pelvis and a metric ton of glitter).

Penis drawing of a dick
Okay, no need to draw the mirror too. But A for effort and D for dick (why is it dripping cum??).
But sometimes a clever costume or a fresh coat of paint isn't enough to keep your identity a secret. It's times like these when you need to get creative with your presentation, and more importantly, your transmittal. Take up a course in learning how to draw, preferably with charcoal, and then craft a replica of your lower half with the help of a hand mirror. This way, if it succeeds, your partner will have some 18th century masturbatory aid, but even if it gets intercepted you can bet that it will get lost among the hundreds of other charcoal dick-drawings that are sent out in the mail every week. By me.

Another alternative is ASCII art, since it can still be transmitted via modern means, albeit with a slight loss in detail. However, if your partner's imagination is vivid enough, there's no limit to the fun you two could have with a simple 8==-) , ( . ) ( . ) or maybe even a (()).

However, the most effective way of keeping your titillating pictures off the web is to simply not send them to anyone who you may piss off in the future. This generally means that you'll want to avoid people you have sex with, people who could one day become your "ex," or anyone who could otherwise hold a grudge. So keep it a secret and send it to only your close friends and family. Your bro already saw your whacker that one time he walked in on you peeing, so obviously he wants a picture of it to carry around with him, and your mom already holds on to your passport for safe keeping, how is a picture of your front-tail any different?

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