What is Ramone doing at 1:30 in the morning? He's getting laid, of course. I wonder what type of lady he's taking for a ride on the Latin rollercoaster tonight.

Pushing myself up in bed, I plant my ear against the wall. It takes me all of five seconds to acquire enough information to make my sexual assessment. Sounds to me from her moans that she's five foot five; blonde. She has an ass that won't quit and lips that a man's hips could bounce off of. Some people doubt my ability to accurately predict the ass that walks out of Ramone's apartment, but believe you me, after two years of repeatedly listening to Ramone pound endless female ass, my ability is highly trained. Man, I'm a circus freak, and holy shit do I need to get laid.

Sleeping in a state of cat-like readiness, I await the sound of Ramone's apartment door opening so I can witness the inevitable discharge of his latest sexual conquest. I must see if my assessment is correct. If I am right on all accounts I will have finally broken my running world record. My record will be 24 for24, an untouchable record. I'm sure no one could give a rat's ass about my sexual guessing game but I sure as hell do. I need this; I really need this.

So the guy looks like a Latin version of Magnum PI. I have positive qualities, too.Ramone's apartment door finally opens and I race to my peep hole to witness the goodbye. Out of the doorway backs a blonde with one of the most amazingly formed asses I have ever laid eyes on. Ramone is one lucky bastard. I squint to focus on the mirror I have cleverly placed on the wall across from my peep hole. Since Ramone lives next door to me I was forced to hang a mirror on the wall across the hall from us so I could have a clear and unobstructed view of the notches I secretly placed on Ramones door frame. I use them to assist me with height measurements. To my satisfaction she is exactly five foot five. I am almost there. All I require now is for her to turn around so I can see if she has the big juicy lips I predicted her to have. After a four minute groping session this vixen gives Ramone his final wet and sloppy kiss for the morning and turns to walk away.

Holy shit, I can't believe it. It's…it's…Mary. That bastard just hammered my lady.

As I realize that my goddess has just become another notch on the bed post of Ramone the Lady Pleaser, I am left with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. This grim sensation overpowers my ability to stand and I fall to the floor. I can't believe it. How could this happen? Why would she rather sleep with a guy like Ramone and not me? What does he have that I don't? So the guy is six foot two and chiselled like a Roman god. So he looks like a Latin version of Magnum PI. I have positive qualities, too. I don't know exactly what they are right now, but I'm sure I have some.

As I lay on the floor in front of my apartment door wallowing in a pool of self pity and loathing there is a knock at my door. Who the hell could it be? I carefully rise to my feet. I cannot make a sound. I don't want anyone to know that I am home just in case it is my rent rapist of a land lady, Miss Rottencrotch. Cautiously, I peer through the peep hole and find, to my amazement, it's Ramone. Why the hell would he be knocking on my door? Ramone has never knocked on my door before. What the hell could he possibly want? I slowly open my door and say, "Hey, how's it going? What can I do for you?" Ramone stares at me for a moment, then asks if I have any triple-A batteries.

I ask him how many he needs, and he tells me to hold on for a second, then returns to his apartment. He quickly reappears holding a huge dildo. He hands it to me and I actually accept it. Standing there holding Ramone's massive lady pleaser renders me completely speechless. He tells me the story of how it ran out of batteries while he was using it on last night's conquest and how embarrassed he was. He then tells me that he is expecting a couple of airline stewardesses in about fifteen minutes and he needs to make sure it's in working order before they arrive.

I'm in total shock. This is the first time anyone in the building has invited me to a party. With the tips of my fingers I open the dildo up and find that it takes four triple-A batteries. I hand the dildo back to Ramone and let him know that I will check my apartment to see if I have any batteries lying around. Frantically I search my apartment from top to bottom, but sadly I have none. Not wanting to go to my door empty-handed, I decide to do the next best thing; I give Ramone my one and only unopened, still-in-the-box dildo. I have had this sexual tool lying around for almost a year now and for some reason I don't think I am ever going to be able to use it on a lady, so he may as well have it.

Ramone graciously accepts my gift and turns to walk back to his apartment. He stops halfway then turns around. "Thanks man. You're a pretty cool guy. I'm having a few people over this weekend for a special party. Why don't you come by? It starts around 11 a clock Saturday night."

What can I say? I'm in total shock. This is the first time anyone in the building has invited me to a party. I try to make it appear like I am a busy man and that I would to check my calendar to see if I could make it.  I stick my arm into my apartment and pull my calendar off of the wall. I stare at its glaring blankness before answering. "Looks like I'm free Saturday night, so yeah I can make it." Ramone answers with, "Good. I'll see you there then. And before I forget, my friend Toni is bringing his sister over and I think you two would be perfect for each other. She is mentally retarded so you guys will get along great. See you then." Ramone disappears back into his love den and closes the door.

I back into my apartment and slam the door in front of me. "Not only did you plow my lady but you think you can verbally bitch slap me by trying to set me up with your friend's retarded sister. You stinking bastard. You just fucked yourself, man. You just made an enemy for life. My vengeance will be swift, you can be sure of that." I spend the next four hours contemplating different and surprisingly devilish forms of revenge before it hits me: "Where the fuck are my Yellow Pages? That bastard is going to pay. He's going to pay with his ass."