>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 84 – June 6, 2004

“A Division of White Castle”

Now Playing: “Holding Out for a Hero” by Frou Frou

Welcome to Beavers, where the food is always fresh and the people are always friendly. And by friendly we of course mean “scantily clad.” Beavers is a family restaurant, and while to some we may appear to be nothing more than a cheap Canadian “Hooters” knockoff, we assure you that we are really oh so much more. At Beavers we believe the customer always comes first, and we would be more than happy to show you what we mean in the privacy of our back rooms, provided you have a hard time understanding bad puns and haven't seen Austin Powers. So bring the kids (but leave the wife at home) (just kidding, wives) for a fun-filled, whirlwind adventure to Beavers. Stay away from Table 7, which we at Beavers affectionately refer to as “the herpes table.” Here's what happened:

-At Beavers, we only employ the finest wait-staff, as determined by the internationally recognized “name-gender-confusion” meter for determining wait-staff finery. As you all know, the most attractive and capable women in the world have names that, only a few years ago, belonged exclusively to guys of the male persuasion. Our intense hiring process (“Beaverhunt”) is designed to find only girls named “Charlie,” “Bobbie,” “Jamie,” “Tonie,” etc. When parents give their baby girl a name like that, you just know they're setting the kid up for a successful career at Beavers. Under no circumstances will we hire anybody named “Laquanda.”

-All successful Beavers employees are required to demonstrate the Beavers spirit. Selected candidates will vie for a position through a series of spirit-testing exercises such as limbo, trampoline, hula-hoop and oil painting. This screening process assures You, the customer, of quality Beaver regardless of which one of our 307 locations you visit. To ensure consistency, prior to their first shift, all Beavers girls must submit to 500 minutes of indoor tanning or melanoma, whichever comes first.

-Beavers is, above all, a family establishment, which is why we have included a number of activities tailored specifically for children. These include, but are not limited to, The Big Screen TV That's Always Playing SportsCenter, The Urine-Soaked Corner, and BrickLand. (Brickland to be replaced by Playland summer 2008 pending removal of 20,000 bricks and mysterious hypodermic needles.) Beavers also boasts an impressive Kid's Meal, which includes a grilled cheese sandwich and a Bud Light.

-At Beavers we cater to the fast-paced, on-the-go lifestyle of the modern businessman. Stop by for one of our “Express Lunches” and see what we mean. We guarantee your order will be ready in ten minutes or less. We'll do whatever it takes to make sure you're not late getting back to work. We'll undercook your burger if we have to. We'll take food off someone else's plate and serve it to you. We'll call your boss and tell him you were in a horribly disfiguring car accident and will therefore be taking the rest of the day off to recover and/or die. Beavers is not responsible for job termination resulting in prank telephone call to boss. One prank telephone call per person, per visit. Some restrictions apply. Like if you work for the mob and you want us to prank call a guy named Guido who's waiting for a cash drop in a phone booth in Montana, we probably won't.

-Another one of the great reasons to come to Beavers is the enormous amount of charity and community service work we are involved in. For instance, every year we host the annual Miss Beavers beauty pageant, where our beautiful servers compete for the title of Miss Beavers while we attempt to avoid litigation from the Miss Universe pageant people on the grounds of blatant copyright infringement. It's a good time for all those involved, and the winner even gets a glazed ham (while supplies last). After the competition, all bikinis worn by the contestants are auctioned off to various perverts on Ebay, with proceeds going towards charities like “The Boys and Girls Club,” “Big Brothers and Big Sisters” and “Miss Universe vs. Beavers Inc. Settlement Fund.”

-Beavers is committed to maintaining it's status as an equal-opportunity employer. This is why we welcome all persons over the age of 15 to apply, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or ethnicity (no fatties please). A lot of people feel that it is wrong to exploit 15-year-old girls by parading them around a bunch of drunk, ogling single dads. But just remember: If we didn't hire these girls to work for us, they'd just hang around in the park doing drugs all day. And then the single dads would have to go there under some false pretenses, like walking their dogs, to ogle. Is that really good for society?

-Much like other food-service establishments, Beavers relies on your tipping generosity to help put our servers through nursing school. We're not sure why every single Beavers employee attends nursing school. Quite frankly we have never seen a nurse as beautiful as our waitresses. Maybe it's that grotesque, key-lime outfit they make nurses wear these days, because nobody would go so far as to wear something that hideous just to impersonate a nurse. Or maybe it's that our waitresses never graduate from nursing school because your tips just aren't generous enough. Come on, people! Loosen up those wallets! You don't want to see what happens when a Beavers waitress reaches retirement age (24). All that indoor tanning really starts to take its toll.

-Have you ever seen those Beavers waitresses that are too old to be Beavers waitresses? You know, the ones who have stretch marks from numerous childbirths, and their buttocks aren't as taut as all the other Beavers girls? The ones who you just KNOW are wearing Depends- brand adult diapers underneath their bikini briefs? The ones whom you're afraid might forget to unhook their colostomy bag when they get off break? No? That's because at Beavers, we only hire buxom, nubile girls and when they start to get ugly we fire them or have them eaten by wombats. It's the Canadian way.

-At the end of the day, Beavers is all about the food. And to help you select from our award-winning cuisine, we created the Beavers menu. Our menu, which to the untrained eye appears to be a cocktail napkin smeared with ketchup stains, also appears that way to the well-trained eye. Don't miss one of our many belly-laugh-inducing “joke” menu items, like “50 Chicken Wings and a Bottle of Chardonnay for $299.” Ha ha ha! How's that for some gut-wrenching hilarity? Nobody would order that item because it's really expensive. Get it? And our menu has DOZENS of zingers, just like that one, mixed in with the real items. Because at Beavers we truly believe that laughter is the best medicine, and you're all very very sick.

-Quote of the Moment: The sound of a thousand readers collectively wondering: “Is this for real?”

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