>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 107 – November 14, 2004

“Now With Even Less Feedback”

Now Playing: “Toxic” by Local H

It has been brought to my attention that many of you have dreamed of having that classic college party, as demonstrated in classic college movies like “Animal House,” “American Pie 2,” and at least three episodes of “Undergrads.” I understand many of you do not know how to go about hosting a party of this caliber in your own home and/or parents' basement. Well, fear not! As a veteran college student with many years of proverbial partying under my belt (the belt is what's proverbial, the parties were very real) I have prepared this guide to help you on your way, like that P-Wing Princess Toadstool gives you at the end of the first world of Mario 3. I always wasted that P-Wing, and it haunts me to this day. Here's what happened:

Pick a Night: The first step in planning a party is also one of the most challenging. Be sure to pick a night you know all your friends will be available. Since every college student in history is the busiest person in the universe all the fucking time, you'll probably want to wait until people aren't so burdened by classes, such as the weekend or, preferably, late August. Alternately, you can choose an “off-beat” time for your party, such as Tuesday morning, so you don't have to compete with all the other college parties that are oh so much better than your pathetic get-together. Hey, nobody said it would be easy.

“When properly positioned, the blacklight will show the exact locations you've been having sex.”

Send Invitations: Gone are the days when people had to send out formal invitations with RSVP written in calligraphy on them that were delivered by lone horse-riding rogues living in huts in the wilderness, not unlike Kevin Costner in “The Postman.” God I hated that movie. Anyway, these days people “in the know” send out E-vites. Basically what you do is you change your IM screen name to “KEG PARTY AT MY HOUSE THIS FRIDAY COME YOU ASSHOLES!!!!11” for the week before the party. Don't worry, you can change back to your original name, “BURN IN HELL DUBYA YOU ELECTION RIGGING FUCKER” as soon as the party's done.

Get a Keg: Since your IM name promised a keg, it's time for you to make good on that promise and get one. You wouldn't want people to think you're a dirty liar, would you? You don't want another incident like that time you were 13 and your mom caught you at the computer with your pants down and you had to tell her it was because a bully stole your belt and also gave you an erection…DO YOU? Didn't think so. Unfortunately, nobody really knows how to go about obtaining a keg. They don't just sell them at the local liquor and baby needs store. This is why you must learn to do the keg dance, as well as make a symbolic offering to the keg fairy, so that on the day of the party she will bless you with a keg of beer and a bill for a keg of beer.

Install Wheelchair Ramps: Due to the result of several costly lawsuits, it is now considered politically incorrect to host a party without appropriate accessibility features. You never know who might show up to your kegger. Heck, it could be some old war veterans with no feet or, worse, Asians. Bow-legged Asians with rickets, even. You're going to want to implement some massive home renovations before your guests arrive, a la “Extreme Makeover – Home Edition.” If your landlords give you any guff about installing wheelchair ramps on their property, just break their legs and wait for the thank-you's to start rolling in.

Prepare Music: So you thought you'd get away with merely popping in a CD from your collection? Shame on you. Next to a bountiful supply of free alcohol and loose women, the music you select will be THE deciding factor on whether your party is a success or whether people run out screaming, cupping their ears, and desperately trying to forget the words to Bonnie Tyler's “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Luckily for you, you can create your very own party mix by browsing through past issues of Text-Heavy and downloading all the “Now Playing” selections. Your party's sure to be a hit with all the ladies and you can send me a note later saying “Text-Heavy got me laid.” I'd like that.

Alert your Neighbors: This step is particularly important if you live in my neighborhood, which has an unusually large population of children and the elderly, both of whom go to sleep no later than 6:30pm on any given night. By giving your neighbors a polite “heads-up” that you're having a party this weekend, the entire community can get a jump start on drafting that proposal for eviction. Be aware that, if you are having a college party and the decibel level even APPROACHES “Baby Crying” or “Squeaky Toy Held Close to Ear,” the neighbors will notify the police. This is why it may also be a good idea to remove the dead prostitutes from your hall closet, although since you're expecting company that may be a good idea anyhow, now that I think about it.

Coat All Valuables with Harsh Chemical Corrosive: Let's face facts: you're going to have strangers in your house as a result of this party. Oh, sure, you'd LIKE to tell yourself that it will just be a small group of your close friends getting together for some classic Dungeons and Dragons fun, but we both know better. Yes, there will be strangers in your house, and they will attempt to steal your stuff. There's no way to avoid it, but there is a way to make the shitheads pay for their thieving ways, and that involves coating all your valuables in harsh, permanently skin damaging chemicals. Remember, nothing says “I'm sorry” like forcing someone to have a body part amputated. Damn you Christine I want my watch back. You don't even need it now that you ain't got no arms.

Create a Female-Friendly Atmosphere: While the guy persons at your party will be perfectly satisfied with the traditional party activities like drinking beer, chugging beer, funneling beer, and playing Halo 2, you have to remember it's not a party without girls. That's why you need to come up with some activities that girls like to do. For starters, I recommend: “Sip on Vodka and Diet 7-Up Contests,” “Talk About Shoes For Way Longer Than Necessary,” and “Topless Pillow Fights.” Actually that last one is really for me.

Purchase Mood Lighting: Many novice party hosts underestimate the importance of proper mood lighting towards their party's success. Many a shindig, and even several hootenanies, have been ruined due to inappropriate light. Thanks a LOT, Thomas Alva Edison! Life was so much simpler BEFORE you invented the lightbulb. Now I've got something ELSE to think about! I hate you. You're not my real dad! Whew, sorry. Suppressed memory kind of slipped out. Anyway, the backbone of any college lighting scheme is the blacklight, which, properly positioned, shows off the exact location where you've been having sex. And don't even TRY saying you just washed your sheets and those stains must be fabric softener and not ejaculatory fluids. Nobody's buying it for a second.

Punch the Monkey: You can't have a party without Banana Bucks. Trust me on this one.