>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
January 23, 2005

“The Heaviest Text in the West”

Now Playing: “Satisfaction” by Benny Benassi

Campus election season is just around the corner in colleges across Canada, and students are practically crapping their collective pants from not caring at all. Maybe it's because no student ever elected to a university government position has ever accomplished anything greater than getting a third coke machine installed in the cafeteria, but I think it's high time we took a closer look at the young men and women who make up the diverse body known as campus politicians. That way you can identify them from a safe distance and avoid eye contact before their gaze turns you into a gorgon-style stone statue, kind of like in Mario 3 when you put on the Tanooki suit, only less fun. Here's what happened.

-The Hippie Elitist: This refreshing spin on the hippie movement takes the misguided “free love” concept and combines it with Abercrombie & Fitch Birkenstocks and a $300 haircut designed to make it appear as though the person hasn't gotten a haircut in months. If elected, the hippie elitist promises to ban all non-organic coffee from campus, thus increasing the price of a cup-a-joe to just under the cost of his bad haircut. The hippie elitist promises to legalize marijuana on campus, which sounds like a pretty hot selling point if it were true. You'll see me breastfeeding the Loch Ness monster before pot is made legal.

-The Stubborn Misinformed: This peculiar fellow runs for office without ever having picked up a newspaper or tuned in to a news show that doesn't begin with the word “Sports” and end with the word “Center.” Instead, the Stubborn Misinformed prefers to obtain all his information regarding world events from the hilarious and deeply unbiased Daily Show. The Stubborn Misinformed's platform consists entirely of two planks: “George Bush is a Jerk” and “Holy God Is George Bush Ever a Jerk.” If elected, the Stubborn Misinformed intends to form a cabinet comprised entirely of his close friends and his Dachshund “Inky,” who will be campus treasurer.

-The Artsy Recluse: This candidate stands out primarily because she has a name like “Bettina” or “Ethel,” and also because her posters are the only ones on campus that don't look like the result of an unfortunate accident involving brown paper and raccoon vomit. The Artsy Recluse promises that, if elected, she will ensure that artists on campus are no longer marginalized as the scum of the earth everybody secretly knows they are. Being a recluse, the Artsy Recluse does not make speeches nor does she aggressively court voters. Instead, she relies on her intricate campaign posters (“Vote for Me – I Can Draw Better Than You”) to pull her through the home stretch. Good luck with that, Ethel.

-The Conservative Zealot: This comforting alternative to the hippie elitist promises to ban all on-campus abortions, gay marriages and Islamic holy wars. Unlike most other candidates, the Conservative Zealot dresses in a full suit and tie even when he's not campaigning. Do not anger the Conservative Zealot, as he has the power to foreclose your home at will. Do not be threatened by this seemingly omnipotent being, as he probably has some drug and molestation charges in his past that he'd prefer to keep buried. Use this to your advantage.

-The Editor-in-Chief: As per tradition, the campus newspaper's Editor-in-Chief will be running on the tried and tested platform of “I Write for the Campus Newspaper – Somebody Pay Attention to Me.” With such hard-hitting journalistic gems as “Oliver Stone's Alexander a Dud” and “Cafeteria to Serve Green Tea on St. Patrick's Day” under his belt, the Editor-in-Chief will inevitably lose the election in a landslide and write countless editorials about how the system is rigged by bureaucratic Nazis that nobody will read because it's in a fucking campus newspaper. Heck I only read it for comedy ideas.

-The Token Minority: Originally a spot reserved solely for African-Canadians (it sounds funny to me, too), this member now varies by university because some campuses do not have an abundance of, as retired Senator Trent Lott calls them, “coloreds.” Be it a Negro, an Asian or (improbably) an East-Indian, there is always one minority who thinks he can compete with the white majority and intends to prove it by throwing his turban into the ring. And if you think that was a completely racist and inappropriate thing to say you obviously haven't read enough of this column. Praise Allah!

-The Libertarian Douchebag: There's more to being a Libertarian than not wearing your seatbelt and owning a gun even if you don't know how to use one. The Libertarian Douchebag brilliantly illustrates the “live and let live” attitude of his political philosophy by cramming it in your face at every possible opportunity. Basically, the Libertarian Douchebag believes that all drugs should be legalized, except hard drugs…or maybe those too, I forget. He will disseminate this uber-important campaign platform by getting stoned and handing out approximately 18 jillion black-and-white pamphlets to anybody foolish enough to get within his throwing range (6.2 feet). If you in any way imply that you disagree with even a small portion of what the Libertarian Douchebag has to say he will call you a fascist and print out a bunch more pamphlets with a photoshopped picture of you standing beside Adolf Hitler. What can you do? He's a free spirit.

-The Student Athlete: For some reason, there's always a student athlete who runs a moderately successful, yet losing campaign. You'd think he'd be too busy studenting and athleting to have time to run for elected office, but that's because I just put those words in your mouth to illustrate my point. Because the Student Athlete tends to have the popular “six-pack” abs, he is tremendously popular with the female voters (not to mention the majority of male theater majors). The Student Athlete is also rich in charisma, defined as “lack of cerebral function.” While this may prove an asset out in the real world, where intelligence is considered a liability, the Student Athlete's political career falls short in a college environment, where the majority of his following is too busy masturbating to his picture on the pamphlet to rock the vote.

-The Wannabe Anarchist: I don't know if the best way to promote anarchy is through organized political campaigning, but there you go. This candidate downloaded “The Anarchist's Cookbook” off a BBS when he was 12 years old but didn't have the gonads to actually make a Molotov cocktail out of a tennis ball. His pent-up sexual frustration has remained bottled up inside, and the only way he can express himself is by associating himself with the goths, who treat him like a king because he talks about one day overthrowing the government. The Wannabe Anarchist will drop out of the race as soon as he gets drunk and nails a fat chick. Sorry but it's true.

-The Law School Hopeful: This person does not care about politics, government or people in general. He is merely trying to pad his law school application and provide empirical evidence for his leadership (also defined as “lack of cerebral function”). If elected, he will accomplish nothing and somehow drive tuition fees up in the process. Ladies and gentlemen: Your next class president.