Drunken Personality Study, finding #1: "I Am Not Drunk" Guy

Certain people apparently do not get drunk.  Sure, they may puke and cry and get medical tubes shoved down their throats, but rest assured they are not even the least bit drunk.

How will they show you this?

With cliché drunk tests that most cops don't actually use:

  1. Walk in a more or less straight line while everyone else is drunk and can't really see your feet anyway?  Slow down there, chap!  You're making us look like Helen Keller over here! 
  2. Extend his arms and touch his nose?  Damn, he really must be sober! 
  3. Say the alphabet backwards?  Well, considering no one else here can do it, I guess you could just ramble out an incomprehensible slur of the latter letters!  Fuck me—you are sober!

The "are-you-drunk" tests that cops actually* use:

  1. The breathalyzer, which, unless you fumigate your body, is impossible to "fake," regardless of what that one guy told you that one time at that one party. And then…
  2. The "follow my finger with your eyes" test.  This one is unbeatable because when you ingest alcohol your pupils have a natural tendency to move in "tracer vision."  There is nothing you can do to avoid this.  Why do cops use these tests instead of I Am Not Drunk Guy's?  Because lots of drunk idiots can still walk in a straight line…especially this guy!  He is so not drunk!

I Am Not Drunk Guy's Favorite Lines:

Police officer administering field sobriety finger test
"Look deeeeep into my eyes. You are getting veeerry sleeeepy…"
"Give me my keys.  Seriously.  I'm not kidding.  I can fucking drive you douchebags! Hand over the keys, now." (long pause) "Fine; fuck you guys, I'll walk." (longer pause) "Seriously, give me my fucking keys! Watch me walk this straight line!  I am so fucking sober!"

"Ask me something and I'll tell you what it was in the morning.  Seriously.  Anything. Watch, I'll say something fucking random…Giraffe poop.  See that? Not even writing it down. Tomorrow morning I'm gonna roll into your fucking room and shout GIRAFFE POOP!  So not drunk…"

"Dude, this one time I was [insert something he never actually did] and I scored [a score far higher than anyone could ever achieve] but I totally could have [achieved something far higher than that which no human could ever achieve] if I had been wearing my lucky boxers."

Official Motto:

"He is a douchebag, she is a whore." 

Because he will not be able to make friends with fellow males due to his "complete soberness," they will become douchebags.  He will cling to the one friend that has not abandoned him and who is only sticking around because he's doing a social science project on "How the fuck is the human race—with people like him in it—still the dominant species on the planet?" 

He will also have a vagina-free bubble around him of no less than twenty feet.  This will turn every girl at the club, bar or party into whores.  Whores who obviously don't notice the attractiveness of the completely sober guy passed out under the bar.

Favorite Drinks:

Anything with alcohol, so he can pound it back, make sarcastic comments about how "incredibly shit-faced" he is, laugh at his own joke, and then fall off the bar stool.

Favorite Game:

Speed-drinking.  No rules, first one to finish wins.  He always wins.  He has also nearly gone bankrupt paying health insurance premiums.  But hey—nothing a little whiskey won't heal, right?

How It Will End:

Keys, wine glass and danger tapeThis drunken personality, thankfully, is not terminal.  All it takes is one really fucked-up event to make him realize that he is, in fact, an anal wart that has taken on human form.  The problem is that he may not notice this until he is old and dies because he had no friends to take his keys from him.  Therefore, as a friend who cares dearly about his life, there is only one thing you can do: push him out a window.

It doesn't have to be a very high window; just high enough to fracture a minor bone.  Windows are good because it would be easy for him to do himself (thus giving you an alibi) and all you have to do is "squeeze by him" at the opportune moment—no finger prints necessary!  When he wakes up in the hospital he'll be a born-again, admittedly drunk and desperately horny guy like the rest of us.