>>> Points in Case
By staff writer Court Sullivan
Issue #3 – January 2000
-Have you noticed how everything they sell these days is millennium-this or millennium-that? Supposedly it's the easiest way to increase sales for a product. It's also the easiest way to be fucking annoying and unoriginal. They've taken this whole celebrate-2000 thing way too far. Yesterday, I saw a gallon of milk that said “commemorating the millennium” on it. Personally I'd prefer not to have to cut my milk with a knife. Oh well, on with this “Millennium Edition.”
-I think the best thing about being home from college has been the toilet paper here. Goddamn! it feels like I'm wipin' my ass with pieces of a mink scarf. Hell, all we get in our dorm is a stack of printer paper. Usually it's just a box of recycled paper. I always said that the only thing my research paper was good for was to wipe my ass, but I never realized I’d actually be using my old rough draft to do it.
-I saw an infomercial the other day for an herbal sex drive enhancer in caplet form. I think men of all ages would be better off using the much cheaper, not to mention safe and effective alternative used by thousands of college kids every day: beer. Who needs herbs from a fucking 800 line when you have half-cases littering gas stations across America?! Frats are a working example of the strength of this alternative. Beer companies should adopt this as a new marketing strategy targeting middle age men.
-Speaking of hidden testosterone, I think I now know where they got the name “draft” for beer. It's meaning is derived from similar tactics used by our country in wartime. First, we send our troops that are trained and ready to fight. If we need more manpower, we have a draft. Same with hooking up with someone. First, you use what you've got to charm her and such, but you're army quickly runs out of “manpower.” So you have a “draft.” Only it comes in the form of beer, which frees up reserve units of testosterone to win girls. Hmmm…I guess that would make non-drinkers draft dodgers. Damn unpatriotic bastards.
-Have you ever tried to rent a movie with a group of friends? It's like launching the fucking space shuttle. Everyone's gotta problem with something and you get delayed for hours. But you end up holding out for the “perfect movie” instead of aborting entirely. And then there's always one guy who refuses to rent anything but a new release. Ok, every movie in here was a new release at some point and even the ones that are on the shelf now have been in and out of the theater. The point is THEY'RE ALL FUCKING OLD! Most dooming of all is the guy who every movie you show him he says, “Oh yeah I've seen it…it wasn't that good.” Why the hell would you watch so many movies if every one is a disappointment? The biggest gamble of all though is being the person who eventually convinces everyone to watch a movie you've never seen yourself. It basically becomes “your” movie. First, you have to pay for it; then if it sucks you'll probably never get to pick a movie again besides being blamed all night.
-Have you ever had someone ask you for the time and then tell you that that's not what your watch says? It's fucking ridiculous.
-Why is it that the most important buttons on an alarm clock are always the smallest and hardest to read? When it's 4 in the morning and I’ve just finished a paper, I’m tired as a drunk and it's dark in my room. The last thing I need is to find a magnifying glass and a Mag-Lite to figure out which is AM & PM, alarm 1 and alarm 2 and all that shit. And then on top of that, there's this gigantic snooze button so that it's even easier to turn off the alarm without even opening your eyes let alone waking up. I think they should change the “snooze” button to the “5 more minutes late” button. Then nobody would have excuses anymore. “I'm so sorry I'm late, I must have hit the ‘5 more minutes late' button a few times too many.”
-They should also make a special college alarm clock. It would have two alarms: alarm 1-the “I-technically-have-class-so-I'll-set-it” alarm that you secretly have every intention of ignoring; and alarm 2-the “test or paper due” alarm that renders all buttons inactive so that you actually have to unplug the alarm clock to turn it off, thus ensuring you're out of bed.