>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
May 3, 2006

You all know THAT COUPLE. If they haven’t already moved in together, you’re pretty sure they’re planning to—actually you know they are because they’ve been talking about that “cute, one bedroom downtown with a back porch and a welcome mat” since their freshman year in college. They may have mentioned more about the apartment, but you couldn’t understand them because you were too busy trying not to vomit while they were mid-sentence. They are “Married” on Facebook, and you’re not sure if he even knows because she manages his Facebook profile, screening who he can and can’t be friends with, and monitoring carefully for any stray pokes.

Now I’m not saying that being in a serious relationship in college is a bad idea. But there is a thin line between a serious relationship in college and a seriously fucked up relationship in college. If you don’t want to be picking out baby names before you’re picking out your cap and gown, you may want to heed to my advice.

THAT COUPLE usually meets their freshman year in college. So freshman, listen up. I know it’s tough being in a place where you don’t know anyone, where your closest friend so far is that cafeteria woman with a mole on her neck that has not one but two hairs coming out of it (actually, in a way they kind of remind you of misplaced pubes), but beware: this is a dangerous time. This is when Barbie and Ken meet. This is when Barbie and Ken are both lonely and in need of a friend. They make friends with each other, yet forget to make their own friends. Before they know it, they are buying the dream house…and we all know how easily that shit fell apart.

“Why not spend every night together? I’ll tell you why not: while spooning and cuddling are great, so is personal space.”

First, while at least one of you is going to make friends, it is very important that you each have your own group. When a couple starts off hanging out with the same group of people and then that couple breaks up, there is a custody type of battle over friends. Believe me, you do not want to be on the losing end of that battle. And if for some reason you both stay with the crew, you can’t talk shit about your ex to them because they are friends with him or her too.

Then comes sophomore year. You’ve read this far, so if you’re picking up here a year later, you at least know that you and your boyfriend each need your own set of friends. Mission accomplished. However, you now have a completely different problem: your significant other’s roommate FUCKING hates you. Not just hates you but fucking hates you—and hate is a pretty strong fucking word.

At first he thought you were all right…that was, until the fifth time he had to listen to you have sex. Not only is he grossed out by the fact that you call your boyfriend “daddy” right before you orgasm, but he is also starting a personal collection of your thongs, which generally drop right onto his face once your boyfriend has wriggled them off of you. No one likes to feel like they are not at home in their home, and when you live in a jail cell-sized room with a cellmate who is constantly putting it up his bitch’s ass it is pretty easy to forget you are in college and feel like you are actually in jail. You don’t have to sleep with each other every night; you have your own dorm room and cellmate for a reason.

It is now junior year, and you are sleeping with each other every night. Not just that, you even nap together regularly. I won’t completely blame you for this; it is easy to fall into this sneaky trap of doom. You no longer have to sign each other in, sneak through windows, and piss off your roommate to spend the night together. Living off campus is so much easier; with your own room and your own set of rules, why not spend every night together? I’ll tell you why not: while spooning and cuddling and finding the nook on your man’s shoulder and melting into it are great, so is personal space.

I know, it is hard NOT to spend the night with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Not only because you now have your own room in a house that doesn’t have your parents in it, but also because you actually want to spend the night with your other half. But distance makes the heart grow fonder and a night apart could seriously do you some good. Remember how nice it was to stretch out and take up your entire bed? Let your farts rip, scratch your butt if you need to, and pop that pimple that’s been bugging you all day? One night of this won’t kill anyone. Just don’t go crazy on your face, it’s better to leave the zits alone.

Finally, it’s senior year and you no longer have your own group of friends. Come to think of it, you don’t really have any friends at all. You spent your entire junior year cooped up in your room with so-and-so, and the friends that you did have don’t really give a shit about the unborn child you are planning on having with him or her in five years, let alone where you are planning on raising them and what pre-schools they probably won’t get into. You were going to have a graduation party but decide to just go out to dinner with your future spouse because let’s be honest, you wouldn’t have anyone to invite anyway.

This is pretty sad.

At this point, please don’t freak out and call your boyfriend or girlfriend to tell them Ali Wisch thinks you are “THAT COUPLE,” and you’re afraid you won’t have anyone to party with at graduation. But do be careful that you are not falling into something that could be detrimental to your current friendships and your future children.

And for the love of god, you don’t have to get “Married” on Facebook. “In a Relationship” should cover it.

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