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By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
March 2, 2005

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Jackson's Lawyer Says Pop Star to Tell Own Story

SANTA MARIA, Calif. (Reuters) – Michael Jackson's lawyer said on Tuesday the pop star would tell the jury in his child molestation case how his teenage accuser had run wild at his Neverland Valley ranch, drinking wine and looking at porn, while his mother hatched a scheme to extort money.

His lawyer added “Oh oh! And umm…tell the one, tell the one about how you dared that 12-year-old chick to rub her vagina on your llama! Oh man…good times. Why am I a fucking lawyer?!”

Concluding his opening statements, attorney Tom Mesereau said his client was the naive victim of a scheming family and that there was no DNA evidence of the sexual abuse charged by the prosecution.

This writer sure loves saying the word “scheme.” But can you blame him?!

Although Mesereau stopped short of saying Jackson would take the witness stand in his own defense, he indicated at least three times that jurors would hear from Jackson directly during the trial, which could last up to six months.

I hope the third time is just a concert. “Hey pretty baby with the high heels on! HEEE!” Hmm…that lyric now sounds dirty. I'm going to shower. In a river of boy juice.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be a long trial and you are going to hear lots of evidence,” Mesereau said. “We are extremely confident that when you do, you are going to find Michael Jackson absolutely not guilty of any of this.”

Murmurs of “Oh…oh okay, we're convinced…yup, can we make our decision now? Or…how's it work? He's definitely not guilty,” were heard amongst the jurors.

Jackson, 46, is charged with molesting a then 13-year-old boy at his Neverland estate in February and March of 2003, not long after a controversial documentary aired showing Jackson holding hands with his accuser and saying that he shared his bed with boys.

Sharing is Caring. But Fucking is… God I wish ILLEGAL rhymed with fucking.

Prosecutors called their first witness on Tuesday, Martin Bashir, the British journalist whose controversial documentary “Living with Michael Jackson” is at the center of the case.

However, his cell phone was off. LOL! Just kidding dudes, a little courtroom humor never hurt anybody. Right Ally Mcbeal?! *Shot of skeleton head rolling off dusty bones*

Jurors were shown the hour-and-45 minute-long documentary. Jackson, who sat in court wearing a dark suit with a gold armband, could be seen nodding his head to the beat as some of his past hits, including “Thriller,” were played in the video.

Then the prosecutor played Jackson's “Moonwalker” Sega Genesis game for five hours, often asking Michael where the secret key's were. Jackson continued nodding his head to the beat of Thriller.

Mesereau told jurors that Jackson was not home on some of the days that prosecutors charge he molested the boy. “A lot of the dates you heard the prosecutor identify, he wasn't even near the place,” he said.

“So you can see how big [Jackson's] dick is. I mean I don't wanna say it's LONG, but when I say THREE INCHES, I mean FROM THE FLOOR! WHO'S WITH ME!”

JACKSON TO TAKE THE STAND?

The lawyer said Jackson would detail his growing suspicions about his accuser's family and tell how the boy and his younger brother broke into his wine cellar and got drunk during a stay at Neverland. They also rifled through a briefcase containing pornography.

Yes, pumping discretely through the pages then ultimately slowing down as the pages stuck together in what could only be described as “Exhibit: OHHhhhh!!!”

“Michael Jackson will tell you one time at Neverland he got a very bad feeling about these people,” Mesereau said as he recounted an incident during which the boy's mother had her children hold hands with the pop star and urged them to kneel and pray “with our daddy, Michael.”

“Actually how about just you kids kneel… Heheh heh…. Don't pray with your mouths full children.

In that environment, he said Jackson brought the boy into his bedroom. He gave the boy — a cancer survivor with just one kidney — wine, vodka and bourbon, showed him pornography and then molested him, Sneddon said.

“So WHAT!” thought the 12 child-molesting jurors. “SO FUCKING WHAT.”

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